Thursday, December 15, 2005
The inner struggle of J Rugged is a story that needs to be told. Those lucky enough to have been born outside of the increasingly dangerous and threatening suburbs of Santa Cruz don't have an inkling of the literal battle for survival that faces the youth of that area. J Rugged, the 19-year-old son of an investment banker was afraid to even leave the safety of his own backyard growing up in the multi-million dollar neighborhood of Whispering Crevasse. With gang members running turf just fifty miles away set the young man on edge and made a normal upbringing virtually impossible. Tired of being victimized, J Rugged lost his sleeves, as well as his hair, and tattooed his well known nickname across his forearm. "They called me J Rugged because my first name is Jason and my back was always covered with zits. You know... rugged?" J Rugged explained in recent telephone interview. "My dad was pretty angry but he didn't take away my car or anything. He did point out that by swinging around the second 'R' on rugged made it look like 'RUGPED,' which clearly makes no sense. Thing is, he saw how things were in our neighborhood. Mexicans were clearly taking over! Everywhere we looked we saw Mexicans raking lawns, sweeping sidewalks, collecting garbage, etc. It was only a matter of time before they actually bought houses and started gangland turf wars. I knew the time to prepare was at hand and with the tattoo I really became 'down.' I bought a shotgun, you can see it in the lower right corner of the photo I provided to the reporter. It's a 'sawed-off' gun that shoots a wide spray of buckshot at my enemies. I haven't needed it for any 'wet work' but that's just a matter of time. In the photo I'm seen praying to God to guide me through the difficult years ahead. I'm going to have to go to community college or get a job now but that doesn't really fit in with my gang mentality. Thing is, how can I expect to adapt to anything like a normal society after what I've seen and lived through? I figured I might become a business man like most of the rappers talk about so I started making my own jerseys, they say J Rugged, I'm wearing one in the photo. I couldn't get anything cool at the silk screen shop but they had a bunch of these mesh tank tops so I got those. I'm going to sell them for like $300 a piece and by some gold."
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA (FOX Carolina News) - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.
After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."
The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.
Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."
Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.
"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."
The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."
Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."
Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.
Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."
The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.
All I can say about this is that the guy's mustache is pretty fucking badass.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
But seriously, here's today's to do list:
1. Find an upper lip.
2. Trim my sexy beard.
3. Botox injection.
4. Submit rock n roll hairdo photo to Jay Leno show.
5. Find orthodontist.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
A ten-year study of homeless psychology by the University of Pennsylvania found that the movie was the principal reason for a dropoff in shelter attendance, and was cited by homeless as the main reason they've avoided leaving urban environments.
"In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shown that movie at the shelter's movie night last week," local shelter owner Brent Cline said. "I just figured they would enjoy seeing Charles S. Dutton on the big screen."
The longstanding demand of the International Homeless Association that Ice-T and Gary Busey issue a joint apology has gone unanswered. Ironically, Gary Busey was voted most likely to be homeless in 40 years in his high school yearbook. Their foresight was astounding.
Friday, November 18, 2005
One problem with the movies, Jackson argued, was their interpretation of blacks: the main black characters being pot-smoking rock and rollers at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. And as an additional slap in the face, writer/director Robert Zemeckis implies that black rock legend Chuck Berry in fact copied his revolutionary style from a 5'4" white 17-year old from the future. For shame, Robert.
Also in question is what should be derived from the character of Biff. Isn't Biff, argued Jackson, a metaphor for the white Southerner's black stereotype? Power-hungry, moronic, poor English skills, greedy, athletic, misogynic, poor family structure. Alternate reality Biffs are no better: he is a corrupt gangster and gambler in the hellish 1985 portrayed in BTTF II, and in the "everything is fixed" 1985 at the end of BTTF I and III, Biff is a fucking slave!
"It may be difficult for white people to understand given Biff's fair complexion, but is there any doubt of the symbolism portrayed in suggesting the best place for Biff was in slavery?" thundered Jackson in an unpublished copy of his draft obtained by The Ancient Axe. "I mean Jesus Christ, can anyone seriously question the fact that Biff is a slave in the optimal 1985 Marty creates? What the hell is he doing at their house washing and waxing Marty's truck for free wearing that ridiculous sweatsuit? Are we to feel good about George McFly's new role as a slave owner? I say we are not, and I hereby declare this movie racist and unsavory."
Actor Thomas F. Wilson, who portrayed Biff in the films, did not return my constant phone calls for comment.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
I wonder if they get into arguments on who started growing out their hair first, or if they ever both show up at the drag races wearing the same black shirt. God, how embarrassing! When they took this photo of their band they certainly wanted to look hard, but the white minivan on the left tells me different. It's probably the drummer's sister's car. She needed to go to the laundromat and asked if the band could watch little Jesse while they do their photo shoot thing.
But still they go on tour and hope that their big break is just around the bend, next to the White Castle. Keep wearing that black, fellas. That shit ain't never going out of style.
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Friday, November 04, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
The flesh under the lower jaw, especially when plump or flaccid.
Oh man that's so sexy. Pre-teens look up "sex" and "penis" in the dictionary to get off, and old men look up "jowls." Old men have been waiting SO LONG for Madonna to obtain what they covet - sexy jowls to fondle and rub in the sack. Madonna used to be all hot, skinny, sensual, but not an inch of jowls to be found. Now she's married, she's had kids and despite all that yoga you can't keep the jowls at bay. Her husband probably doesn't appreciate them, probably hasn't tucked his manhood between the bone and the jowls like an old man would, but in time he'll understand. Don't let the jowls go unloved gentlemen. Fuck them, suck them, tame them, make the jowls your own.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Yo. Yo. Yo!
Just a fuckin' head-
My body's lyin' dead-
No axe left to grind, my life all behind-
Two mothafuckas playing with my face-
No one stops this disgrace-
Why was I beheaded today-
The shit is fucking gay-
Speaking of gay I think these guys are going to fuck my windpipe-
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I hate this fucking guy so much it is truly epic. This dipshit haunted my fraternity for two years as he grew cornrows, quoted Tupac and made every attempt to hang out with wholly uninterested black people. He wants to be black. 'I am black,' he actually said at one time. 'Everyone in my high school in Boise thought of me as black. I was THE black kid at my school.' Yeah, he said all that. Fucking anus. We kept pissing on his bed so he wouldn't sleep on the porch with us because he would talk about Nelly and fucking Dre constantly. Oh yeah, he has a shunt too. Neck tubes. Send this guy an email if you get the time:
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
DO: If you're a chick, including sexual toys as part of your costume is always a plus. It reminds guys of sex, and sex is good.
DON'T: Try to be too clever and end up looking like a stupid piece of shit. I'm assuming the guy on the left is trying to be Wilson from Home Improvement. Unfortunately he forgot that chicks don't watch Home Improvement, chicks aren't impressed when you wear stupid shit, and chicks would never consider going down on a guy who stands with his arms hanging down like an ape. Imagine him trying to make a move on the football chick all drunk and awkward. Just awful.
DO: Wear robes that can pass for just about any religious figure or old Roman figure. The sweet honey babies you see with this man are all enamored with him. One sees him as being Jesus, another sees him as Caligula. It doesn't matter to them. He's already 10 steps ahead of Wilson over there.
All you geeks out there, take notes. Yeah I'm talking to you you fucking dork, cruising around Blogger looking for a new string of commentaries that fits your anemic view of life. I'm trying to help you. This Halloween is your chance - put down the Playstation controller and go buy some gorgeous flowing robes.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Walken on religion: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!"
Walken on sex: "Your house is burning! There's still time!"
Walken on marriage: "You've broken my mind."
Walken on the Taliban: "There's a small step from prophet to martyr. Can you take it?"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
The scientific community expressed surprise by the visual accompanying the study, however, which seemed to stray from the foundation's stated impartiality to the practice of abortion.
"It doesn't really seem fair to represent the number of abortions by the size of each state's frowny face," said Dr. Chim Richalds, a gynecologist at UCLA Medical Center. "Many women find abortions to be pleasurable experiences, and my wife and I have certainly enjoyed every one of ours. In fact I'm recommending that my patients should stay off birth control, which can be a large waste of money when you can just slaughter the defenseless fetus if you get pregnant anyway."
National Science Foundation spokesperson Sean Pfaff was unapologetic about their visual's negative slant.
"Ever since the Supreme Court invented abortion, this country's morals have dissipated to the point where my kids think Lord Jesus Christ was a wrestler in the WCW," Pfaff lamented.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
"I was young, I was impressionable, and I honestly didn't know how bad life could get," said McFerrin in a statement that looked like it was written on a typewriter with visible tear stains on the page. "I got Robin Williams to appear in my music video and I truly felt that I would use that song as a platform to bigger and better things. I was sorely mistaken."
McFerrin has since worked with various city symphonies to attempt a pathetic comedy routine mixed with classical music, a strategy that effectively alienates both comedy fans and classical music fans and resulted in no money for the dreadlocked failure.
Close friends who requested anonymity report that McFerrin has holed himself up and is listening to an inordinate amount of Ice-T music.
In a telephone interview, McFerrin acknowledged that he had been listening to the album "OG" on repeat for weeks.
"While I was singing that stupid shit about being happy no matter what, Ice-T was ten steps ahead of me by capturing the anguish of life. I am particularly taken with the lyrics 'There'll be no tears/No screams or cries/Just a laser beam between your fucking eyes' on his track Pulse of the Rhyme. He really understands what it's like to be poor and desparate."
McFerrin has asked that any remaining fans please send donations to:
The Bobby McFerrin Fund
300 De La Rosa Blvd.
Compton, CA 90021
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
2. His breath probably smells like coffee.
3. The man has the know-how of 80+ years of hot sex under his belt.
4. The musk.
5. Grey chest hair in the moonlight.
6. The possibility that he might be fucked to death.
7. It will make his heirs weep.
8. No one will notice his limp.
9. No 'oh I'm too tight for you' issues.
10. He's old.