Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Peekaboo!


Stop your peeking
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I see you over there looking at me, trying to sneak a picture of my cherub cheeks. Most people pretend to be shooting the scenery behind me but I know they just want to get a quick snapshot of me to go back and show their friends. They might even BLOG about me. It doesn't matter too much to me though, since I live in China and as far as I know the Internet only extends as far as Tibet and maybe Bhutan, so it's not like any Europeans or South Africans will have a chance to laugh at me. So go ahead and snap a picture of my rotund figure, I can take it. China food forever.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fighting The Odds; A Black Man's Discovery Of Humor

Delapitated tenement housing, run-down schools, teachers and parents that didn't care. There were gangs running the streets and drug dealers working the corners. Through it all Alphose Qwombi stayed a strong black man. He fought the system, the man, the gangs, the cops, the pusher man, and crabs all by himself. A one man war, a beacon of light and strength in a time of darkness. He struck out against those who hurt him the most, leaving both his aggressors and his soul bleeding and broken. It was around 1974 when Qwombi began to wonder if there was more to the world than his own fight for black power. These feelings of curiousity came upon him gradually, the way genital herpes appears as just one insignificant bump, its simplicity masking the undeniable outcome. The true defining moment of discover and breakthrough for Qwombi occurred at the most unique place. It was during an evening visit to his sister's home. Shamika had married a white man, clearly the devil, and had been living in the suburbs for several years. Everything about the home screamed 'white people' and 'keep the black man down' and the African art placed around the living room by his sister only seemed to accentuate this glaring reality. Scanning the bookshelves for anti-black literature while his sister and brother (yeah right)-in-law were preparing appetizers, Qwombi was struck by the apparent lack of racist pamphlets. Upon the couple's return to the room, Qwombi snatched a book from the shelf at random, hoping to deflect any attention to himself that his search may have caused. That far into whiteman territory he could be lynched at any time. Only later did Qwombi discover the book he had selected was a book entitled Jokes and contained nothing but that. Jokes. Not even racist jokes. Turning to the first page he expected to see something like "Why do niggers stink? So blind people can hate them too!" written across the pages in glaring anti-black letters. Instead the jokes were pleasant, childish even, and he found himself chuckling in spite of the presence of a white man. Qwombi did not change the routine of his life at the discovery of humor and jokes, but he worked hard to include them into his daily life. He began making his own racist jokes and they were very popular with his friends. His best joke he delivered in March 1981, which was, "How long does it take for a white women to take a crap? 9 months!" He contracted a strange new disease later that year, which was called GRIDS by the doctors, and died three months later. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't laugh his way out of that one.

The Anguish Of J Rugged


The inner struggle of J Rugged is a story that needs to be told. Those lucky enough to have been born outside of the increasingly dangerous and threatening suburbs of Santa Cruz don't have an inkling of the literal battle for survival that faces the youth of that area. J Rugged, the 19-year-old son of an investment banker was afraid to even leave the safety of his own backyard growing up in the multi-million dollar neighborhood of Whispering Crevasse. With gang members running turf just fifty miles away set the young man on edge and made a normal upbringing virtually impossible. Tired of being victimized, J Rugged lost his sleeves, as well as his hair, and tattooed his well known nickname across his forearm. "They called me J Rugged because my first name is Jason and my back was always covered with zits. You know... rugged?" J Rugged explained in recent telephone interview. "My dad was pretty angry but he didn't take away my car or anything. He did point out that by swinging around the second 'R' on rugged made it look like 'RUGPED,' which clearly makes no sense. Thing is, he saw how things were in our neighborhood. Mexicans were clearly taking over! Everywhere we looked we saw Mexicans raking lawns, sweeping sidewalks, collecting garbage, etc. It was only a matter of time before they actually bought houses and started gangland turf wars. I knew the time to prepare was at hand and with the tattoo I really became 'down.' I bought a shotgun, you can see it in the lower right corner of the photo I provided to the reporter. It's a 'sawed-off' gun that shoots a wide spray of buckshot at my enemies. I haven't needed it for any 'wet work' but that's just a matter of time. In the photo I'm seen praying to God to guide me through the difficult years ahead. I'm going to have to go to community college or get a job now but that doesn't really fit in with my gang mentality. Thing is, how can I expect to adapt to anything like a normal society after what I've seen and lived through? I figured I might become a business man like most of the rappers talk about so I started making my own jerseys, they say J Rugged, I'm wearing one in the photo. I couldn't get anything cool at the silk screen shop but they had a bunch of these mesh tank tops so I got those. I'm going to sell them for like $300 a piece and by some gold."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Boy Makes Dog's Ass SWOLLEN SORE


SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA (FOX Carolina News) - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.
After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."
The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.
Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."
Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.
"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."
The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."
Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."
Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.
Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."
The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.

All I can say about this is that the guy's mustache is pretty fucking badass.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

God Loves Me Just as Much as You


Mohawk + Buck Teeth = Sex
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I bet you're looking at me right now wondering whether I'm a real person or a Halloween mask. I get that all the time. I'm actually an administrative assistant at a local real estate firm. Before going to bed one night I decided it would be fun to get a little wacky with the hairspray and see what I would look like with a rock n roll hairdo. Look honey, now I know how we can pay to get my teeth fixed! I'll join a rock n roll band! The hardest part is already taken care of!

But seriously, here's today's to do list:

1. Find an upper lip.
2. Trim my sexy beard.
3. Botox injection.
4. Submit rock n roll hairdo photo to Jay Leno show.
5. Find orthodontist.

THIS BABY HATES NIGGERS!

Racist babies? What seems like an inappropriate joke is a phenomena that is sweeping across the Bible-belt states like a firestorm. The mystery of how this hatred began to flourish so rapidly is being pondered at the most exclusive learning centers around the globe. As yet the only reasonable explanation put forth is it being an inherent trait the child develops in utero. This baby, bathed in the amniotic fluids of its well-intending mother, developed a hatred of blacks so strong it refused to stop crying in the presence of black babies in the hospital nursery. The child tore its swaddling clothes from it's body and fashioned a crude likeness of a Klu Klux Klan robe for itself from a pillowcase. The child went literally berserk at the site of a African American nursing assistant and repeatedly thrust its forked fingers towards the woman in an earnest warding off gesture. Child psychologist Dr. Earl "The Thong" Nighswonger of Bob Jones University stated that 'the boy is making his feelings known at an early age and this important stage of development should not be curbed.' The bewildered parents, whose names are being withheld at their request, are shocked and outraged by their child's actions but are following the doctor's orders to the letter. 'We gave him a small cross to burn in his playpen, though for the life of me I can see as how this is a healthy thing to do,' the child's Caucasian-African American mixed father said during a telephone interview. 'What's he going to do when my [black] dad comes to take him fishing? Try to lynch him?'

Friday, December 02, 2005

What? You Forget How To Suck A Dick?


stupid fucking bitch
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I hate these fucking lowlifes that write some dumbass joke on a chunk of cardboard and expect you to cough up a couple of greenbacks for their pathetic effort. This bitch is so hard up she was only able to dye some of her hair red. Times sure are tough when you have to cut back on trendy hair products the way she clearly has. What happened to the days when a dumb fucker like this used to actually DO something to get a dollar? How about PUT YOUR BALLS IN MY ASS SO I CAN EAT TODAY. It doesn't mean you really have to put your balls in her ass its just the desperation a statement like that puts across. I see a girl with a sign like that and I think 'shit, this girl is in real trouble- lets see just how deeply she'll degrade herself for ten dollars!'

Fuck Applebees


fuck you dude
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I want everyone out there to understand that a shithole dump like Applebees deserves nothing but a big jet of puke across its stupid fucking sign. From the gay ass tv commercials to the bottomless fucking french bread they can suck my fucking ass. Every time I drive by one of those fucking places I chunder all over myself just knowing they are in there serving stupid fucking food with gay ass grins on their faces. Bunch of fucks.

I'm A Fucking Hipster

Okay, so I've had a few drinks...big fucking deal. I'm a goddamn hipster. See this trucker hat? Got it at PacSun, your local hipster headquarters. I'm 33 but I'm holding it down. Can't quite drink like I did, maybe it was the fucking MGD's I was drinking. Dunno. Feel real shitty and my mouth is watering real bad. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but that IS a bottle of Hennessy sitting right up there in front. I had some. Tasted like shit too but black people drink it and that means it's cool right now. Kinda wish it wasn't because the taste it left in my mouth is like I already threw up a little. You know...like how you throw up into your mouth a little when you lean down too quick and burp at the same time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get laid tonight by this cute new guy at work. He's in the garage right now smoking weed. Chances are good he'll notice me because my tits look real big and slack in this tank top. Like two big tubes of meat. Guys like that shit. If he's being a prude I might just blow someone. If that's what ends up happening I'll have to go make myself puke first so I don't gag like last weekend. EMBARRASSING! I kinda need to shit too. I think that's why my stomach looks kinda big right now. I keep leaned over like this so no one notices. I think I've got them fooled, plus my boobs look real nice this way. Anyway, turn on some rap or maybe the new Green Day cd. It's really popular right now too.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I'm The Tan Guy In The Middle


i enjoy tanning
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
All I have to say is thank god for Jamaican Bronze tanning gel! I have been tanning for weeks to build the complete solid tan base that I have been wanting for so long and Jamaican Bronze is the ONLY tanning gel that has helped me achieve this goal. I tried activators, moisturizers, sunless tanning lotion (wasn’t that a cruel joke) and all for nothing. All my troubles changed when I walked into Totally Fucking Tan, a new salon by my apartment, and saw a bottle of this stuff sitting on one of the cute wicker stands beside the counter. On a whim I bought three bottles and figured they would join the three or four dozen largely unused bottles under my sink. Never could I have been more wrong. Almost instantly after applying the sweet smelling gel did I actually FEEL my skin becoming tanner. I swear I could hear it crackle! Now I have that ‘all-over’ tan that makes me look like I just spent six months sunbathing nude at St. Barts. I have to use quarts of Curel to keep my skin from cracking apart, but believe me, it is worth every application. Now when I go into a room, I know everyone loves my tan, especially now that it’s winter! I bought two cases of Jamaican Bronze from Costco because it’s being discontinued for some reason. I think I’m going to buy more tomorrow because I truly have found my wonder gel.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Sunsets Remind Me of Old Men Sexing Each Other


new mexico sunset
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
There is something about sunsets that moves me to experience feelings that I am not usually interested in. Hate, fear and distrust are all staples of my daily emotional output and stretching myself beyond these creates quite the predicament within my psyche. I avoid all things that might sow the seeds of sentiment in myself; happy movies like Platoon, ice cream cones, and the real killer-sunsets. Despite my best efforts I find it impossible to avoid all influences that might instill in me a momentary flash of joy or love. It is in the moments immediately following these situations that I fall back upon a very useful tool, a photograph I habitually carry in my wallet. The photo, a well loved and creased snapshot of two old men passionately making love, which I found as a fresh, young and impressionable child, brings me back into control. It is important to have balance in life and often it is something as simple as a photograph that brings things back into focus. Too many of us fluctuate between the polar extremes of emotion and suffer because of it. This doesn't have to be so. Find your photograph and be free.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Eleven Years Later, "Surviving the Game" Still Terrifies Homeless Community


Homeless and Hunted
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Deep mistrust of homeless people with the general public was dramatically worsened by 1994 thriller "Surviving the Game," scientists determined yesterday.

A ten-year study of homeless psychology by the University of Pennsylvania found that the movie was the principal reason for a dropoff in shelter attendance, and was cited by homeless as the main reason they've avoided leaving urban environments.

"In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shown that movie at the shelter's movie night last week," local shelter owner Brent Cline said. "I just figured they would enjoy seeing Charles S. Dutton on the big screen."

The longstanding demand of the International Homeless Association that Ice-T and Gary Busey issue a joint apology has gone unanswered. Ironically, Gary Busey was voted most likely to be homeless in 40 years in his high school yearbook. Their foresight was astounding.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Jesse Jackson Charges Biff Was Black Stereotype; Zemeckis Racist


Slaving away
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Back in 1992, following the completion of the Back to the Future trilogy, Jesse Jackson had plans for a radical social interpretation of the movies that would expose the racial divide in America much better than that worthless Travolta vehicle "White Man's Burden." His thesis was never made public. Until now.

One problem with the movies, Jackson argued, was their interpretation of blacks: the main black characters being pot-smoking rock and rollers at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. And as an additional slap in the face, writer/director Robert Zemeckis implies that black rock legend Chuck Berry in fact copied his revolutionary style from a 5'4" white 17-year old from the future. For shame, Robert.

Also in question is what should be derived from the character of Biff. Isn't Biff, argued Jackson, a metaphor for the white Southerner's black stereotype? Power-hungry, moronic, poor English skills, greedy, athletic, misogynic, poor family structure. Alternate reality Biffs are no better: he is a corrupt gangster and gambler in the hellish 1985 portrayed in BTTF II, and in the "everything is fixed" 1985 at the end of BTTF I and III, Biff is a fucking slave!

"It may be difficult for white people to understand given Biff's fair complexion, but is there any doubt of the symbolism portrayed in suggesting the best place for Biff was in slavery?" thundered Jackson in an unpublished copy of his draft obtained by The Ancient Axe. "I mean Jesus Christ, can anyone seriously question the fact that Biff is a slave in the optimal 1985 Marty creates? What the hell is he doing at their house washing and waxing Marty's truck for free wearing that ridiculous sweatsuit? Are we to feel good about George McFly's new role as a slave owner? I say we are not, and I hereby declare this movie racist and unsavory."

Actor Thomas F. Wilson, who portrayed Biff in the films, did not return my constant phone calls for comment.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I Enjoy Love-Making and Danielle Steel Novels


a handsome woman
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
There are few things on this Earth that have given me as much pleasure in my life as an afternoon with Alphonse, the gardener, followed by an evening soak in my tub with a Danielle Steel paperback. The hot bath is necessary to loosen those muscles that might have been strained or pulled during my afternoon 'workout.' The book puts into another world of romance and fantasy. Miss Steel is such an amazing author, the way she weaves deep, powerful stories that engaged the mind and tax the mental faculties of the reader. I know I'm smarter for having read them! I own all 60+ books she's written, but I think my favorites have to be Toxic Bachelors and Season of Passion. I do envy her for being able to write this many wonderful novels and still look under forty. She always has such wonderful furs and diamonds in her dust jacket photos. I take pictures like that too, but I'm no Danielle Steel! I bought a framed AUTOGRAPHED photo of her off Ebay and it's sitting on my mantle at this very moment, in a place of honor. With my dust jacket photos ready for print, I'm going to being writing my own novels about love, lust and breathtaking action so the photo's have a home. I do love Danielle Steel and I love fur and diamonds. Oh I almost forgot, I like dick too. Big ones.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Nothing's Changed; Merinda is Still Ugly


7262181
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
Time is amazing in its ability to mend old wounds, soften sharp jawlines and even improve some looks. Everyone knows the story of the ugly duckling and some may have run into an old classmate who actually looks better than they did the day they left high school. For some, things just don't work out that well. Merinda is one of those unfortunate souls who was fucked at birth and kicked squarely in the crotch by that bastard time. Speech impediment aside, forget about the coke bottle glasses, this girl was plagued by a moustache, a wierd odor and an oddly humanoid body sheathed in poorly selected garmets. I guess I should justify that comment, you could put a great looking girl in a gunny sack and she could still get laid but Merinda was a fucking nightmare wrapped in used toilet paper. I thought she might 'blossom' after high school (not really) things just went further downhill. She doesn't ski, she's going downhill fast enough- a favorite line of Joe Cerne (call him at 360-825-2210 for other pearls of wisdom.)But in the end, the wafting stench might have been just the thing a certain sailor was looking for. The kind of girl easily found in the dark. She is now happily married and remains faithfully ugly.

You Can't Resist Me


Big Red and His Beard
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Come to me and kiss my beautiful red beard. You've never seen a blood-red beard like this at the trailer park where you come from. My flowing, beautiful magenta locks are matched only by my colorful tattoos, fashionable style of dress and stank beer breath. So come to me my love; kiss the fucking beard.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Black Men Need to Keep Their Hands OFF


nice couple
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I know that I'm not alone in my complete frustration with the current trends in interracial relationships. Though black men constitute some 5% of the US population they seem to have their grubby black fingers all over the asses of at least HALF of all huge, shitty looking WHITE girls. Listen up, there are a whole lot of fat, shitty looking white dudes that are getting left in the dust. Black girls don't go for them, in fact, black girls are getting the shaft too and not in a good way. Black men stick to big white bitches like stink on shit. So where does that leave everyone else? Up shit creek and the black girls are sitting on the paddle. What are these black men thinking? Do they really want to have 'mixed' kids? We all know how that turns out, Mariah Carey layed it all out in that interview. Even beautiful tan looking white girls like her are horrifically excluded from both races! I put this to all black men out there: Is that rolling pile of white shit really worth it? As a side note, all black men should be shirtless at all times...because, you know...they have nice bodies.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Local Barbers are Starving and the Thrift Store is Sold Out of Black


Sooo much hair
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
These guys are like locusts, they go from town to town setting trends and putting hard-working Americans out of business. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUY ANY MUSIC MADE OR PEDDLED BY THEM. Once your 7-year old gets one look at the lead singer, suddenly he doesn't want to visit the barbershop and he starts listening to Creed's earlier work. These guys have never seen a Mach 3 in their life.

I wonder if they get into arguments on who started growing out their hair first, or if they ever both show up at the drag races wearing the same black shirt. God, how embarrassing! When they took this photo of their band they certainly wanted to look hard, but the white minivan on the left tells me different. It's probably the drummer's sister's car. She needed to go to the laundromat and asked if the band could watch little Jesse while they do their photo shoot thing.

But still they go on tour and hope that their big break is just around the bend, next to the White Castle. Keep wearing that black, fellas. That shit ain't never going out of style.

My Humps


holy shit
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There's a whole lot I could say, but why make a poor attempt when the Black Eyed Peas already said it better? Check it out...

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Send Help!


cat window
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It's been three days now and my owner doesn't seem to be able to stop jacking off. He's been at it for more than 70 hours straight and I haven't been fed that whole time. Neither has he for that matter. All I hear from the bedroom is the click-click of that stupid mouse and the occasional moan when he finds a good 15 second porn clip. I guess I'm not being totally truthful, he took a break about six hours ago to grab another bottle of lotion from the cupboard over the wash machine and drink straight from the tap for a while. Wish I could do that, the toilet water is getting low. He doesn't seem to need to pee at all as he's losing enough fluid in other ways. The smell in that room is pretty bad by now and every time I go in there to bug him for food he throws oddly stiff socks at me. I'm not sure how much longer this can go on because he's got to go to work tomorrow so I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's always like this around here. Fucking three day weekend.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Take It To The Base You Coward!


sexy
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There's something that everyone out there needs to understand; if you aren't prepared to take it to the base you shouldn't even bother being alive. Without going 'all the way down' you are cheating yourself and everyone else involved. I think you know what I mean. Time and time again I've come across people who just don't put in the extra effort and it disgusts me. If you're going to do it, go balls deep baby.

Fuck This Guy

Anyone who runs across this fucking guy should flip him off immediately. He's what I like to call 'a handjob.' The other day I was watching The Neverending Story and the doorbell rings just as Bastian is about to yell the Childlike Empress' new name out the window during the storm. Opening the front door reveals this dipshit standing on my doormat. As if the flatbilled hat wasn't enough, he was wearing incredibly snug jeans that hugged every curve in ways that made me feel wierd in my stomach. He wanted to hang out and invited himself in, but I better idea; I flipped him off. If you see him, do the same damn thing, it's the only way to get him to fuck off.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Owning Anal Jelly Does Not Ensure Anal


anal jelly
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Having purchased a case of Golden Girl Anal Jelly last summer I was fairly confident that the amount of anal sex I was having would increase. How could I have been so wrong? As it turns out the Anal Jelly is actually that, a gooey sludge made from the liquefied anus and nasal cartilage of equatorial African children. If this factoid is not disturbing enough, the smell makes anything found in a living persons rectum a wonderfully perfumed material in comparison. Perhaps that is on purpose, you know, to mask odors from the rear entry intercourse. I still have twelve of these jars lying around my place because the few occasions I actually talked someone into anal, one whiff of this shit ended everything. I think I'm just going to spit on it from now on.

Veiny Forearms Get Girls Wet


veiny forearms get girls
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
This much is a well known fact to Italian men around the world. Why is it that the Anglo men of the world are so blind to such an obvious bait for attracting women? Probably because they are so busy being white they don't notice the subtle cues from women. A healthy and active sex life requires three ingredients; wifebeater tank tops, bulging and veiny forearms and plenty of women to pork. Got forearms with veins thicker than your fingers? Get a wifebeater and get to screwing. A favorite of women across the globe is licking hungrily at the veins as a man PENETRATES her. That's right PENETRATES. There is no soft gentle lovemaking with a veiny forearmed man. It's about the grudge-fuck. I suggest doing at least three hours of wrist curls and hand-grippers each day to ensure a nice selection of women to bed. Every town needs its Popeye, why shouldn't it be you?

Study Exposes Benefits of Couples Emptying Bowels Together


bathroom fun
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Yes, thats BOWELS and not BOWLS. According to groundbreaking reasearch conducted at the University of Washington, healthful side-effects of eliminating in the presence of a loved one have been conclusively proven. Lower blood pressure, elevated mood and well maintained digestive tracts are just some of the many benefits of 'taking the plunge' as research analysts often refer to the novel arrangement. Having the love of your life enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of a bodily function normally deemed 'alone time' is meeting stiff resistance in some circles. Further studies show that couples most resistant to this change also have sex with the lights off and are generally unappealing to begin with. Dr. Ronthonaldo Peritonitis, a rising star in the field of gastroenterology and occasional professor, designed and ran the entire study from his home office on Mercer Island. Peritonitis strongly supports the introduction of co-mingling restroom activities with other household chores to slowly introduce a more open and interactive approach to bowel movements. "Make it a fun game!" Peritonitis suggested cheerily from his seat on a custom-made toilet in his campus office. The good doctor insisted upon being reclined on the toilet while being interviewed and did not so much as blush as camera's whirred and staff photographers snapped away. "This thing is really catching on," Peritonitis grunted and gestured at a wall festooned with framed photographs. Brief examination showed the photographs to share a common theme; twenty-somethings (undoubtedly students) enjoying a bathroom break in the company of a peer. Whether or not the group approach to going 'number 2' will ever catch on in a significant way can only be proven with time, but a surplus of used bathroom doors has yet to flood the market.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Don't Squirt Anbesol Up Your Ass


anbesol
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
This might seem like a no brainer to some, but after a few dozen beers fine print can blur and mistakes can be made. Last weekend, after I was well on my way to blacking out on the champagne of beers I found myself in a Port-O-Let trying to 'numb up' my hindquarters with a dose of anbesol. The reasons for this behavior are beside the point but I'll say that it involved two cute gay guys at the Spar Pole. Unfortunately the Anbesol was such an effective numbing agent that it relaxed my ass so completely that my ability to hold my bowels was crippled. The results were shitty to say the least. Luckily the two cute gay guys didn't mind and we still had fun, but if I had been with two less understanding gentlemen the night might have been ruined. I guess this might be the point at which I come completely clean of the thing. No men were involved, certainly no cute gay guys from the Spar Pole. I was hanging out in a Port-O-Let on a construction site after everyone left and found some Anbesol left behind in a wad of toilet paper. In retrospect I think it was largely where I was at emotionally at the time that is to blame for the whole ordeal. Self loathing, depression, curiousity and a healthy dose of boredom drove me to explore an avenue of relief the product was never intended to provide. I'm a pretty mixed up person to start with so guess it's a natural progression that when I'm in a funk something is going to end up in my backside.

Put Your Testicles On A Friend


nice teabag
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There's a great way to kill late night hours if all you've got to work with is an unconscious friend and a pair of low hanging testicles. Just drape your balls across any patch of you buddies exposed skin and a fun game has begun. Some call this 'teabagging' but a better name is 'afterhours balls on exposed skin game.' It's best to wait for your balls to be warm and kind of sweaty so they stick to your friend. Playing this game is a good reason to avoid shaving this region because the hair makes a crinkly sound if the music is off and you snuck into your friend's room. As a side note, you don't need to put your balls in the condom. Some of us learn this the hard way. Playing the afterhours balls on exposed skin game is by no means a homosexual activity because at no point to the testicles penetrate your friend's anus. That is the only off limits area of game play.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Satan's Spawn Found in Seattle


Satan
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
The world reels with the news of Satan's Spawn at long last being discovered in the flesh. Countless children have been killed by schizophrenic, crack-addled parents who have believed their own child to be the offspring of the devil but no longer will this be a legitimate excuse for infanticide. A young boy, whose name is temporarily being withheld until proper instruction from the Vatican can be obtained, is being held in a salt encrusted sea trunk at Boeing Airfield in south Seattle. The trunk is resting firmly in an inch deep puddle of holy water which is festooned with tiny, floating bibles. All are precautions against the escape of the monster. Details are sketchy as to how positive identification was reached but it is safe to guess that the child's creepy appearance and bizarre, disjointed behavior had something to do with it. You'll know more when we do.

Two Cute Gay Guys


fags
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Mission accomplished! I finally did it! 'It' of course being a hot three-way with two cute guys. I met these two big lugs at the Spar Pole in Orting, Washington and after about two dozen PBR's between us some heavy petting broke out near the dart boards. We took the lusty feelings out to parking lot and proceeded to pork in the canopied truck bed of the shorter (and cuter) guy's pickup. The sex was rough but fun and I think everyone made out well (pun intended.) LOL!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

You Can Do Sidebends or Situps, But Please Don't Lose Those Jowls


Sexy, sexy jowls
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Jowl, (joul), n.

The flesh under the lower jaw, especially when plump or flaccid.

Oh man that's so sexy. Pre-teens look up "sex" and "penis" in the dictionary to get off, and old men look up "jowls." Old men have been waiting SO LONG for Madonna to obtain what they covet - sexy jowls to fondle and rub in the sack. Madonna used to be all hot, skinny, sensual, but not an inch of jowls to be found. Now she's married, she's had kids and despite all that yoga you can't keep the jowls at bay. Her husband probably doesn't appreciate them, probably hasn't tucked his manhood between the bone and the jowls like an old man would, but in time he'll understand. Don't let the jowls go unloved gentlemen. Fuck them, suck them, tame them, make the jowls your own.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Big Low-hanging Balls Earn Extra $$$$$


heaven on earth
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Long overlooked as items lacking in sexual want and desire, the testicles have been overshadowed (no pun intended) by the veiny meat trumpet since time out of mind. So much time has been dedicated to the shaft of the penis that little thought was spared to the sweet tenderness of massive, low hanging testicles. Lately, however, some long needed attention has been doled out to these delicate egg-like globes from an unusual source. Old women, some even into their late 80’s, have taken it upon themselves to utilize a long forgotten cure for glaucoma called the Arabian Goggles. This unusual practice requires the nude, oiled and shaved body of a young male to ‘hunker’ over the reclined elderly woman and gently drape the smooth testicles over the eye sockets. Gently dragging the testicles over the eyes creates a soothing effect to both parties. “The balls have to be real warm,” Blanche (last name withheld by request) of Middlesex, Connecticut stated at a recent session in a suite at the downtown Ritz-Carlton Hotel. “That way they hang down really far and really work their way into the sockets.” Each young man seems to have their own special way to prepare for the fifteen-minute sessions, for which they are paid the princely sum of $300. Some choose to sit on heating pads, others run a heavy stream of warm water over their lap region to soften the flesh and allow the testicles to descend as far as possible. It is not proven if these sessions have any real medical value as no real reduction in glaucoma has been shown in any patients. “Feels pretty good on my balls,” one young man offered as he counted out his cash.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Enumclaw Jr. High Annual 'Stoners Versus Hicks' Fight Postponed


The Battleground
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Due to a lack of vehicle transportation and the constantly changing location of battle, the Annual 'Stoners Versus Hicks' fight held by Enumclaw Jr. High students has been put off until a later date. Though the fight has been an annual event since 1986, no immediate plans have been put in place to reconvene the battle. The history of the now infamous fight is straightforward and well known by all participants. "When fashion and muscial tastes of the mid-1980's began to polarize students, tensions soon reached the breaking point," stated Jim Krupa, Enumclaw Jr. High grad, while puffing on a cigarette at the Ski Inn Tavern. Bearing the telltale scars across his knuckles from his own experiences fighting for the 'stoners,' Krupa was reluctant to speak on the subject at first, citing 'emotional pain.' "The fight was the outlet for all that pent up aggression we were feeling towards the 'hicks.' By the end of September, we [the stoners] were so fed up with the ocean of fleece lined jean jackets and flannels we had to do something about it. The biggest problem we stoners faced was the reality that virtually everyone else in the school seemed to side with the hicks, even if they were preppy. The fights were without exception one sided and brutal." Krupa allowed himself a shiver of revulsion at the memory and turned away, back to his beer and the haunting recollections of the glory he had tried so hard to achieve. The interview is over, his body language clearly telegraphed. It is impossible to know at this early date if the fight has gone the way of Oakley Blades but it is conceivable that when it does resurface it will have morphed into a more modern version of the original. Possible incarnations of the original 'Stoners Versus Hicks' clash might be 'Snowboarders Versus Band Kids,' 'Quiet Anti-Social Kids Versus the Track Team,' or 'Kids in Sweatpants Versus Everyone.'

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Head Continues Rapping After Being Severed


tanning
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
According to eyewitness accounts the head, without the benefit of vocal cords or lungs to power speech managed to voice the following cryptic message:

Yo. Yo. Yo!
Just a fuckin' head-
My body's lyin' dead-
No axe left to grind, my life all behind-
Two mothafuckas playing with my face-
No one stops this disgrace-
Why was I beheaded today-
The shit is fucking gay-
Speaking of gay I think these guys are going to fuck my windpipe-
Ah Shit!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Don't Let the Face Fool You


fuckable
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
This kid fucking rules. One liners, cutting wit, unstoppable punching power and extremely tan legs make this kid the latest wunderkind to come out of the Sheyboygan, Wisconsin area in over fifteen years. Working the playground with a veracity that has stunned students and teachers alike, Acker Bilk is a force that only the foolhardy would fail to acknowledge. Not only does Bilk maintain an unbroken winning streak at two square for 83 games running, he has 3 confirmed kills at dodgeball. Unfortunately the final head shot that resulted in massive brain hemorrhaging and death in a fourth grader named Stanley Crotch ended Bilks 23 game stetch without a point scored against him. Bilk is known to hang boat anchors from his penis and perform one arm chinups with two cases of Otter Pops strapped to his legs. Expect great things from Bilk as he approaches junior high.

Van Damme Bags a Hotty


van dammage
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
So his career is in the lower end of a downward spiral and the lump on his forehead is growing steadily. Things are not looking good in Jean-Claude Van Damme's life right? WRONG! Stopping by longtime friend Ralph Macchio's trailer on the set of Beer League, Van Damme thought he was in for a few laughs and maybe a few insider tips on the latest martial arts techniques from the Crane Kick Man himself. Instead the Muscles from Brussels found himself in the arms of lighting tech Janece Handle a 46-year-old divorcee from Hoboken, New Jersey. Hitting things off in a big way, the two became fast friends and even faster lovers. They now take romps at least six times daily with 'lots of oral' according to Handle. Nuptuals are not in the works just yet, but 'you never know' Van Damme said with a wink and a flash of that heart-stopping smile.

I Fucking Hate Hoggle


hoggle
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

I hate this fucking guy so much it is truly epic. This dipshit haunted my fraternity for two years as he grew cornrows, quoted Tupac and made every attempt to hang out with wholly uninterested black people. He wants to be black. 'I am black,' he actually said at one time. 'Everyone in my high school in Boise thought of me as black. I was THE black kid at my school.' Yeah, he said all that. Fucking anus. We kept pissing on his bed so he wouldn't sleep on the porch with us because he would talk about Nelly and fucking Dre constantly. Oh yeah, he has a shunt too. Neck tubes. Send this guy an email if you get the time:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=8709039&Mytoken=1315CBD5-819A-11D1-3C4B91D1984BF6DC24072843

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

You Looking At Me?


the eyeball fuck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
They call me the Stare Hard Retard. You have no idea how long I can stare without blinking at all. Hours. Literally hours. No one can beat me at this because I am a competitor at heart and have found my niche. I will defend this title at all costs and have no qualms about gouging your eyes with my long black fingernails if things start to get close. I practice by staring at photos of people in magazines, challenging them to blink first. My eyes bleed sometimes. The doctors have told me I am causing irreparable damage and I stared at those bastards until they got all creeped out and left. Girls find sex with me a little weird the way I stare at them all bugeyed when I'm on them. The fact that I say 'hump' each and every stroke probably doesn't improve things. Oh well, I always find new girls. I'm the guy that can hold a gaze across a crowded dance floor like you wouldn't believe. Fucking lazer beam eyes on those girls and they fold under the intensity every time. Tonight I'm going to go practice with my neighbor, he's blind.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

This Halloween, Make it Happen with Robes


Robes Win Every Time
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Halloween is only about 2 months away, so it's important to go over the rules for costumes. The photo you see on the right is a very good illustration of the do's and don't's, let's review:

DO: If you're a chick, including sexual toys as part of your costume is always a plus. It reminds guys of sex, and sex is good.

DON'T: Try to be too clever and end up looking like a stupid piece of shit. I'm assuming the guy on the left is trying to be Wilson from Home Improvement. Unfortunately he forgot that chicks don't watch Home Improvement, chicks aren't impressed when you wear stupid shit, and chicks would never consider going down on a guy who stands with his arms hanging down like an ape. Imagine him trying to make a move on the football chick all drunk and awkward. Just awful.

DO: Wear robes that can pass for just about any religious figure or old Roman figure. The sweet honey babies you see with this man are all enamored with him. One sees him as being Jesus, another sees him as Caligula. It doesn't matter to them. He's already 10 steps ahead of Wilson over there.

All you geeks out there, take notes. Yeah I'm talking to you you fucking dork, cruising around Blogger looking for a new string of commentaries that fits your anemic view of life. I'm trying to help you. This Halloween is your chance - put down the Playstation controller and go buy some gorgeous flowing robes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Chances Are Good They Have Southern Accents


gas these people
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
People this stupid only seem to live in Virginia. One look at the shitty car and all the crap strapped to it and you have to wonder why not just walk to wherever you're moving and start over. What could possibly be in those boxes that would make them worth looking so stupid. I am willing to bet at least one Clay Aiken cd is riding high as well as an entire catalogue of Will and Grace dvds. Oh yeah, his bitch owns a dvd player. Poor people always do. She also has had her expanded cable package transferred to her new place too. Thats why she couldn't get a Uhaul. If that car is actually equipped with an airbag she is going to be decaptitated by it sitting that close to the wheel. Why so much more duct tape dedicated to holding the boxes together and not to holding them onto the car? This is the type of person that will kill you in a drunk driving accident then sue your family for damaging her green hatchback. I wonder what it smells like it that car. Can't be good.

Walken for President 2008


el presidente
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
The greatest news story to hit newstands this century has just been released. Christopher Walken will be running for president in 2008. With Walken at the helm America will officially become the creepiest nation on Earth. Delivering speeches peppered with quotes such as "I'm an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why" how can he possibly lose? Someday he will walk into the oval office and mention that he feels like a little boy who's lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. This comment alone would clear up all sorts of political issues currently under debate. Education reform would be solved by him simply saying 'study your math, kids. Key to the Universe.' He'd dress down subordinates with snide remarks such as 'you'd need three promotions to be an asshole.' Then to mix things up he might be convinced to perform a spontaneous jazz dance routine to enliven meetings with foreign leaders.

Walken on religion: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!"

Walken on sex: "Your house is burning! There's still time!"

Walken on marriage: "You've broken my mind."

Walken on the Taliban: "There's a small step from prophet to martyr. Can you take it?"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

This Is Probably The Coolest Man Alive


pre school teacher
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Anyone who actually owns a helmet like this has got to run for president. The boots alone are worth a Senate position at the very least. Imagine having a guy like this show up to argue politics and has a squire polishing his huge, thigh high boots while sharpening his broadsword. Just picture it if this style caught on and people started wearing this shit while jogging, fishing, maybe even when buying stamps. Picture the guy laying out on a beach towel and reapplying the corpse paint before playing a game of volleyball. Swinging his sword he could scream to the heavens 'fucking sideout bitch!' then slash the net into pieces. A man like this has freshly dug graves waiting to be filled in his basement. These graves are dug deep and with much patience. What I'd like to know is what events lead up to this photo shoot. Did this guy leave his house, drop of his videos at Hollywood, grab some teriyaki then drive way out into the woods to pose with a sword? Also, what kind of situation would require the use of chain mail and a big fucking helmet? The biggest problem a death metal viking warrior faces is the lack of good opponents to do battle with. The chances of running into anyone who also happens to be carrying a sword and interested in fighting must be pretty slim.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Visual Not Trying Very Hard to be Impartial


Don't Cry for Me Argentina
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
A study released today by the National Science Foundation illustrated the strong growth of legal abortions in every U.S. state over the past ten years.

The scientific community expressed surprise by the visual accompanying the study, however, which seemed to stray from the foundation's stated impartiality to the practice of abortion.

"It doesn't really seem fair to represent the number of abortions by the size of each state's frowny face," said Dr. Chim Richalds, a gynecologist at UCLA Medical Center. "Many women find abortions to be pleasurable experiences, and my wife and I have certainly enjoyed every one of ours. In fact I'm recommending that my patients should stay off birth control, which can be a large waste of money when you can just slaughter the defenseless fetus if you get pregnant anyway."

National Science Foundation spokesperson Sean Pfaff was unapologetic about their visual's negative slant.

"Ever since the Supreme Court invented abortion, this country's morals have dissipated to the point where my kids think Lord Jesus Christ was a wrestler in the WCW," Pfaff lamented.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Diane ''Dumb Ugly Bitch" Keaton


the whore
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
I fucking hate this stupid bitch. That's right, the star of Baby Boom. She is the worst piece of shit on the face of the Earth. Every fucking picture you see of the hag has her sporting some new stupid had like you won't notice how ugly the face is under it. She has big yellow teeth and a flat mannish body. I'm still wracking my brain to discover how this disgusting thing every managed to score a role in any movie. I wouldn't cast her in the most degrading porn film ever devised...wait...maybe if it involved a lot of bowel movements on her stupid grinning face. I await the day when it is discovered that she is actually a he-with a 9 inch tool to match those wide manly shoulders. There's something about this hulking she-him that makes me want to legalize mercy killing. Fuck her...him...whatever. Name a movie she's in that she doesn't look-act-dress like a fucking transvestite.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

New Approach To Midnight Snacking Is Catching On


read between the legs
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It may seem a little extreme at first, even a little silly, but the latest trend in late night eating is taking the world by storm. Strapping food directly to your head before hitting the sack is the newest way teens are beating that late night craving for yummy carbs. Instead of the weary trek to the fridge, having the food close enough to the mouth that hands are not required to consume it seems like such a simple idea inventors are kicking themselves for not having thought of it before. No one thought that the million uses of duct tape would include a way to eat more efficiently but that honor has finally been bestowed upon the already well loved invention. Tough on the sheets? Yes, but when you're young isn't everything?

Brilliant Mallard Largely Ignored


duck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Thwarted by a lack of opposable thumbs and an inability to speak, this young Mallard duck decided to end its forray into the field of quantum mechanics. Having mastered much of the mathmatics used in predicting the behaviors of microscopic particles, the Mallard realized his only path of advancement was to move into the controversial study of quantum theory. Theory means experimentation and argument, two things which are difficult to do from a patch of lily pads. Despite ground breaking new ideas that could finally meld the arguments dividing physicists on the issues of relativity versus quantum string theory as well as possessing direct mathmatical evidence that disproves Einstein's conservation of energy theory, the mallard is throwing in the towel. Seemingly content to paddle around a small pond waiting to be shot by some drunk idiot in a rowboat, the big brained duck secretly hopes that the Robin Williams of the animal kingdom will crack his tough shell and give him the kick in the ass he needs.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Faced with mounting debts, McFerrin abandons "Be Happy" philosophy


Mcferrin
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Bobby McFerrin, the artist known only for his excruciating song "Don't Worry, Be Happy," announced today that he has renounced his previous claims that despite what happens to you in life you should just be happy.

"I was young, I was impressionable, and I honestly didn't know how bad life could get," said McFerrin in a statement that looked like it was written on a typewriter with visible tear stains on the page. "I got Robin Williams to appear in my music video and I truly felt that I would use that song as a platform to bigger and better things. I was sorely mistaken."

McFerrin has since worked with various city symphonies to attempt a pathetic comedy routine mixed with classical music, a strategy that effectively alienates both comedy fans and classical music fans and resulted in no money for the dreadlocked failure.

Close friends who requested anonymity report that McFerrin has holed himself up and is listening to an inordinate amount of Ice-T music.

In a telephone interview, McFerrin acknowledged that he had been listening to the album "OG" on repeat for weeks.

"While I was singing that stupid shit about being happy no matter what, Ice-T was ten steps ahead of me by capturing the anguish of life. I am particularly taken with the lyrics 'There'll be no tears/No screams or cries/Just a laser beam between your fucking eyes' on his track Pulse of the Rhyme. He really understands what it's like to be poor and desparate."

McFerrin has asked that any remaining fans please send donations to:

The Bobby McFerrin Fund
300 De La Rosa Blvd.
Compton, CA 90021

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I Chew Daisies Through a Picket Fence!


sexy fuck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
When I wake up in the morning, my buck teeth crave nothing more than fresh daisies from my neighbors flower bed. Of course if my neighbor caught me I'd get a good spanking. Luckily for me I have these huge buck teeth and I can check those daises right through the fence. These teeth are for chewing up vegetable matter, thats for sure. Nice and square. I go through a toothbrush a week! Floss? Yeah right I use a section of rope with a few knots tied in it to catch the giant, fist-sized particles of food that get lodged between my beautiful front teeth. I am a beautiful young girl with a bright future of chewing large objects in my future.

Top Ten Reasons I'd Fuck This Old Guy


hot old man
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
1. The creaking of his bones.
2. His breath probably smells like coffee.
3. The man has the know-how of 80+ years of hot sex under his belt.
4. The musk.
5. Grey chest hair in the moonlight.
6. The possibility that he might be fucked to death.
7. It will make his heirs weep.
8. No one will notice his limp.
9. No 'oh I'm too tight for you' issues.
10. He's old.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

My Armband Tattoo Aint Shit After All


mom
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
I have to admit that the days following my barbwire tattoo around my right biceps I thought I was pretty hard. I walked around, no sleeves, just daring people to look at me wrong. I was inked, a member of the bad ass club of tattoo toughs. The tattoo clearly showed just how thuggish of an individual I really am. Or so I thought... After slamming my third Mike's Hard Lemonade I decided to kick off early from Zoe (thats the new cafe' and wine bar near my loft) and head home to catch Gilmore girls. Feeling confident in my new skin-tight black v-neck t-shirt (with the sleeves just short enough to show off the new tat)I walked down the avenue checking my totally retro Swatch to see if I needed to jog a little to make it in time. Next thing I know I've stumbled into some guys that were really less than cool. One of them shoved me an I pushed up my sleeve to show the tattoo. I guess it might have been a clue of things to come when they didn't seem to care. Things really went downhill after that. I don't remember much of anything after that except this really creepy dude with a neck tattoo that I have to admit was much tougher looking than mine. The doctor said the casts will come off soon.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Local Town Infested with Drop Dead Sexy Insects


Eight-legged sexbombs
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Area residents are becoming increasingly concerned with a rash of extremely sexually attractive insects. While insects are normally miniscule and looked upon with horror by the general populace, this infestation is full of insects that make Cameron Diaz look like Jimmy Durante. So watch your girlfriend, these fineass arachnids can pull off a new level of shocker on a ho. Some theorize that the "insects" are really just al Qaeda operatives in costumes. Either way they're damn sexy.