Saturday, January 29, 2011

Craigslist Personals, Where Love Is Made

Craigslist personals are an endless source of enjoyment for me. Until now, I've never thrown my hat into the ring. Here's the ad I posted:

Ever Heard Of Retard Strength? - 31
I don’t really know what that means, but if it has to do with strength, I’ve got it. I’m strong. I love pushups. I love bench press. I can curl you by your head. Think about that for a minute. That’s biceps strength coupled with amazing grip power and impossibly powerful spinal erectors. Like Christmas? The defininition in my lower back looks like a Christmas tree. BOOM! Lats all over the place. I’ll do pushups right on your face. We could go out sometime and you could just stare at my body while I watch a movie. I don’t really care. I’m 6’3 and 280lbs of pure male. Fully buffed out. POW. Some women like guys who are confident. I’m confident that you won’t find someone that can do as many pushups as I can. Go ahead and try.



So I got a number of interesting responses. Quite a few were simply angry insults, which is to be expected when you've got a body like I have, but I decided to post the email conversation I had with Erica. Erica strikes me as a girl with low self esteem and possibly multiple personalities.

ERICA:
I do not normally answer these kind of things, but something about your ad made me want to. I've got brunette curls and blue eyes. My hair is really short, but I still look like a lady. If you have ever played WoW, my build is female draenei. Except for the horns. .... most of the time. ;) The thing I've missed about being in any kind of a relationship is cuddling. GOOD LORD, I miss that. :( Most any night after 7:00 works for me. Jsut let me know what works for you. Cya!

ME:
Sorry to take so long to get back to you. I was working out. I work out a lot. I've never played WoW. I'm curious how you can have curls if your hair is really short. That seems to be a contradiction. I like to work out muscle groups that contradict, like back and chest, to get a great push-pull pump workout. Awesome. Anyway, I think cuddling if fucking gay. I'd rather talk for a while, maybe about my workouts or something. What's your input?

ERICA:
LOL! I'm trembling, I'm so set to get together. Nothing can beat a couple of months of erotic repression in order to kick me in to overdrive. If you think you need to gawk at some pix first, I have some on the web but shit; really? Does anybody even look like themselves when they are in the middle of a really good screw? Have you ever gotten into tantric sex? It can be pretty ... I don't have words for what it can be. Later days, babe!

ME:
You sound like a fucking idiot.

ERICA:
Wut up, home slice? Thank you for hitting me up. Now I have a big case of the warm fuzzies. *grin* I want you to see me in the nude, and know you can have me. I want to put on some soft music, pour us some drinks, and see where the evening takes us. Later, tater.

ME:
How about I take a fucking shit on your chest instead?

ERICA:
Heya, baby! God, heck of a day. I am in desperate need of a massage. Why aren't you here?? Take care, Sug.

Guess Who Doesn't Give A Shit What Percentile Your Kid Is In?


Height, length, weight, intelligence, skull size... I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. You are probably an idiot and therefore your kid will be too. How about this for a percentage; 98% of people fucking suck. That means the odds are against you being part of that passable remainder. Your kid won't most likely won't be either. Someone I know actually mentioned that their kid's head was in the 97-98th percentile for size. Why the fuck would they know this? Why the fuck would they tell me unless they wanted me to laugh? FYI- I don't fucking give a shit about your stupid kid. Unless we're related somehow, keep these pearls of pointless information to yourselves.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Out Of Shape? Get A ROOF RACK!



I grew up a stone's throw from a woman who attached a $500 bicycle rack to the roof of her 1992 Cherokee. In the 12 years I saw that roof rack traveling about town there was never so much as a child's scooter strapped into its industrial strength steel frame. This woman didn't even own a bicycle. This struck me as curious, so I finally asked her about it, about the necessity of a roof rack for bicycles when none were owned. She told me the rack made the Cherokee look "sporty". This was a revelation to me. In that moment I realized that a simple purchase really could change your image. I no longer thought of her as a slobby, fat troll who only left her house to go to Costco, but someone who was living a 'sporty' lifestyle. Obviously, I began to treat her as such. So if your fat ass is hidden behind the wheel of a car where no one can see you, throw a sports rack on the top of your vehicle so everyone knows that you grab life by the horns.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

More Things I Hate

1. Population growth. We're due to reach 9 billion pointless assholes on this planet by the time I should have been able to retire.
2. Leaning over to pick something up, burping, and then puking into my mouth.
3. The "man" who had a baby.
4. People who think dying their hair weird colors is even remotely unique.
5. Subway, especially that one in Tacoma
6. That hunk of shit tv show Two and a Half Men
7. EVERYONE who shits on the wall in a public bathroom, I mean, what gives?
8. The fucking idiots who are going to publish edited versions of Huck Finn due to its racist language. Fuck you.
9. Progressive Insurance
10. The people you see hiking with two $150 walking sticks for a trail loop that's four miles round trip.
11. Anyone who can't take a punch.
12. Rubbers. Yeah, I know this kind of flies in the face of #1.