Friday, February 02, 2007

So Many Questions Go Unanswered

Chuck Norris has been in more than his fare share of bad movies, but even he had to know that when he paired up with a shaggy dog he might be scraping the bottom of the barrel for film roles. Of course, bottom is a relative term. Chuck has his beard, an info-mercial where he doesn't even have to wear sleeves, as well as the ability to do spin kicks in wranglers, but when did he decide it would be okay for a martial arts legend to hold hands with a police dog for a promotional photo? What police department uses shaggy dogs anyway? What kind of criminal would be scared of that stupid dog? Doesn't everyone know that dogs like that get ear infections all the time and their heads start to rot so you have to put them to sleep? Why does the dog's badge have his fucking picture on it? Is that in case someone who thinks the dog might be impersonating an officer can be reassured? Why is Chuck's hair so fucking teased? Since this movie (Top Dog for anyone out there who might want to rent it) came out in 1995, didn't anyone on the set notice that he has a goddamn mullet and even then they weren't cool? How come he had enough chest hair in 1972 that Bruce Lee could rip it out by the fistful but in 2007 he is smooth as a baby's bottom? Did they think no one would notice that this movie is a horrific attempt at outdoing K-9, starring Jim Belushi, which is a much better movie except that scene where Belushi gets out of bed in his underwear? The worst thing about this movie is the fact that someone out there owns it on DVD and actually watches it. People like that are not sent to camps for re-education and I just don't think I can take it anymore. Why the fuck doesn't Canada open up a gulag that we could send these people to? Jesus, it's not like they're doing anything useful with all that land. Why not a nice string of work camps? I know about a thousand people I think should learn what the crack of the Commandant's whip sounds like.