Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Peekaboo!


Stop your peeking
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I see you over there looking at me, trying to sneak a picture of my cherub cheeks. Most people pretend to be shooting the scenery behind me but I know they just want to get a quick snapshot of me to go back and show their friends. They might even BLOG about me. It doesn't matter too much to me though, since I live in China and as far as I know the Internet only extends as far as Tibet and maybe Bhutan, so it's not like any Europeans or South Africans will have a chance to laugh at me. So go ahead and snap a picture of my rotund figure, I can take it. China food forever.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Fighting The Odds; A Black Man's Discovery Of Humor

Delapitated tenement housing, run-down schools, teachers and parents that didn't care. There were gangs running the streets and drug dealers working the corners. Through it all Alphose Qwombi stayed a strong black man. He fought the system, the man, the gangs, the cops, the pusher man, and crabs all by himself. A one man war, a beacon of light and strength in a time of darkness. He struck out against those who hurt him the most, leaving both his aggressors and his soul bleeding and broken. It was around 1974 when Qwombi began to wonder if there was more to the world than his own fight for black power. These feelings of curiousity came upon him gradually, the way genital herpes appears as just one insignificant bump, its simplicity masking the undeniable outcome. The true defining moment of discover and breakthrough for Qwombi occurred at the most unique place. It was during an evening visit to his sister's home. Shamika had married a white man, clearly the devil, and had been living in the suburbs for several years. Everything about the home screamed 'white people' and 'keep the black man down' and the African art placed around the living room by his sister only seemed to accentuate this glaring reality. Scanning the bookshelves for anti-black literature while his sister and brother (yeah right)-in-law were preparing appetizers, Qwombi was struck by the apparent lack of racist pamphlets. Upon the couple's return to the room, Qwombi snatched a book from the shelf at random, hoping to deflect any attention to himself that his search may have caused. That far into whiteman territory he could be lynched at any time. Only later did Qwombi discover the book he had selected was a book entitled Jokes and contained nothing but that. Jokes. Not even racist jokes. Turning to the first page he expected to see something like "Why do niggers stink? So blind people can hate them too!" written across the pages in glaring anti-black letters. Instead the jokes were pleasant, childish even, and he found himself chuckling in spite of the presence of a white man. Qwombi did not change the routine of his life at the discovery of humor and jokes, but he worked hard to include them into his daily life. He began making his own racist jokes and they were very popular with his friends. His best joke he delivered in March 1981, which was, "How long does it take for a white women to take a crap? 9 months!" He contracted a strange new disease later that year, which was called GRIDS by the doctors, and died three months later. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't laugh his way out of that one.

The Anguish Of J Rugged


The inner struggle of J Rugged is a story that needs to be told. Those lucky enough to have been born outside of the increasingly dangerous and threatening suburbs of Santa Cruz don't have an inkling of the literal battle for survival that faces the youth of that area. J Rugged, the 19-year-old son of an investment banker was afraid to even leave the safety of his own backyard growing up in the multi-million dollar neighborhood of Whispering Crevasse. With gang members running turf just fifty miles away set the young man on edge and made a normal upbringing virtually impossible. Tired of being victimized, J Rugged lost his sleeves, as well as his hair, and tattooed his well known nickname across his forearm. "They called me J Rugged because my first name is Jason and my back was always covered with zits. You know... rugged?" J Rugged explained in recent telephone interview. "My dad was pretty angry but he didn't take away my car or anything. He did point out that by swinging around the second 'R' on rugged made it look like 'RUGPED,' which clearly makes no sense. Thing is, he saw how things were in our neighborhood. Mexicans were clearly taking over! Everywhere we looked we saw Mexicans raking lawns, sweeping sidewalks, collecting garbage, etc. It was only a matter of time before they actually bought houses and started gangland turf wars. I knew the time to prepare was at hand and with the tattoo I really became 'down.' I bought a shotgun, you can see it in the lower right corner of the photo I provided to the reporter. It's a 'sawed-off' gun that shoots a wide spray of buckshot at my enemies. I haven't needed it for any 'wet work' but that's just a matter of time. In the photo I'm seen praying to God to guide me through the difficult years ahead. I'm going to have to go to community college or get a job now but that doesn't really fit in with my gang mentality. Thing is, how can I expect to adapt to anything like a normal society after what I've seen and lived through? I figured I might become a business man like most of the rappers talk about so I started making my own jerseys, they say J Rugged, I'm wearing one in the photo. I couldn't get anything cool at the silk screen shop but they had a bunch of these mesh tank tops so I got those. I'm going to sell them for like $300 a piece and by some gold."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Boy Makes Dog's Ass SWOLLEN SORE


SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA (FOX Carolina News) - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.
After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."
The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.
Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."
Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.
"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."
The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."
Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."
Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.
Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."
The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.

All I can say about this is that the guy's mustache is pretty fucking badass.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

God Loves Me Just as Much as You


Mohawk + Buck Teeth = Sex
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I bet you're looking at me right now wondering whether I'm a real person or a Halloween mask. I get that all the time. I'm actually an administrative assistant at a local real estate firm. Before going to bed one night I decided it would be fun to get a little wacky with the hairspray and see what I would look like with a rock n roll hairdo. Look honey, now I know how we can pay to get my teeth fixed! I'll join a rock n roll band! The hardest part is already taken care of!

But seriously, here's today's to do list:

1. Find an upper lip.
2. Trim my sexy beard.
3. Botox injection.
4. Submit rock n roll hairdo photo to Jay Leno show.
5. Find orthodontist.

THIS BABY HATES NIGGERS!

Racist babies? What seems like an inappropriate joke is a phenomena that is sweeping across the Bible-belt states like a firestorm. The mystery of how this hatred began to flourish so rapidly is being pondered at the most exclusive learning centers around the globe. As yet the only reasonable explanation put forth is it being an inherent trait the child develops in utero. This baby, bathed in the amniotic fluids of its well-intending mother, developed a hatred of blacks so strong it refused to stop crying in the presence of black babies in the hospital nursery. The child tore its swaddling clothes from it's body and fashioned a crude likeness of a Klu Klux Klan robe for itself from a pillowcase. The child went literally berserk at the site of a African American nursing assistant and repeatedly thrust its forked fingers towards the woman in an earnest warding off gesture. Child psychologist Dr. Earl "The Thong" Nighswonger of Bob Jones University stated that 'the boy is making his feelings known at an early age and this important stage of development should not be curbed.' The bewildered parents, whose names are being withheld at their request, are shocked and outraged by their child's actions but are following the doctor's orders to the letter. 'We gave him a small cross to burn in his playpen, though for the life of me I can see as how this is a healthy thing to do,' the child's Caucasian-African American mixed father said during a telephone interview. 'What's he going to do when my [black] dad comes to take him fishing? Try to lynch him?'

Friday, December 02, 2005

What? You Forget How To Suck A Dick?


stupid fucking bitch
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I hate these fucking lowlifes that write some dumbass joke on a chunk of cardboard and expect you to cough up a couple of greenbacks for their pathetic effort. This bitch is so hard up she was only able to dye some of her hair red. Times sure are tough when you have to cut back on trendy hair products the way she clearly has. What happened to the days when a dumb fucker like this used to actually DO something to get a dollar? How about PUT YOUR BALLS IN MY ASS SO I CAN EAT TODAY. It doesn't mean you really have to put your balls in her ass its just the desperation a statement like that puts across. I see a girl with a sign like that and I think 'shit, this girl is in real trouble- lets see just how deeply she'll degrade herself for ten dollars!'

Fuck Applebees


fuck you dude
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I want everyone out there to understand that a shithole dump like Applebees deserves nothing but a big jet of puke across its stupid fucking sign. From the gay ass tv commercials to the bottomless fucking french bread they can suck my fucking ass. Every time I drive by one of those fucking places I chunder all over myself just knowing they are in there serving stupid fucking food with gay ass grins on their faces. Bunch of fucks.

I'm A Fucking Hipster

Okay, so I've had a few drinks...big fucking deal. I'm a goddamn hipster. See this trucker hat? Got it at PacSun, your local hipster headquarters. I'm 33 but I'm holding it down. Can't quite drink like I did, maybe it was the fucking MGD's I was drinking. Dunno. Feel real shitty and my mouth is watering real bad. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but that IS a bottle of Hennessy sitting right up there in front. I had some. Tasted like shit too but black people drink it and that means it's cool right now. Kinda wish it wasn't because the taste it left in my mouth is like I already threw up a little. You know...like how you throw up into your mouth a little when you lean down too quick and burp at the same time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get laid tonight by this cute new guy at work. He's in the garage right now smoking weed. Chances are good he'll notice me because my tits look real big and slack in this tank top. Like two big tubes of meat. Guys like that shit. If he's being a prude I might just blow someone. If that's what ends up happening I'll have to go make myself puke first so I don't gag like last weekend. EMBARRASSING! I kinda need to shit too. I think that's why my stomach looks kinda big right now. I keep leaned over like this so no one notices. I think I've got them fooled, plus my boobs look real nice this way. Anyway, turn on some rap or maybe the new Green Day cd. It's really popular right now too.