Wednesday, September 21, 2005

You Can Do Sidebends or Situps, But Please Don't Lose Those Jowls

Sexy, sexy jowls
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Jowl, (joul), n.

The flesh under the lower jaw, especially when plump or flaccid.

Oh man that's so sexy. Pre-teens look up "sex" and "penis" in the dictionary to get off, and old men look up "jowls." Old men have been waiting SO LONG for Madonna to obtain what they covet - sexy jowls to fondle and rub in the sack. Madonna used to be all hot, skinny, sensual, but not an inch of jowls to be found. Now she's married, she's had kids and despite all that yoga you can't keep the jowls at bay. Her husband probably doesn't appreciate them, probably hasn't tucked his manhood between the bone and the jowls like an old man would, but in time he'll understand. Don't let the jowls go unloved gentlemen. Fuck them, suck them, tame them, make the jowls your own.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Big Low-hanging Balls Earn Extra $$$$$

heaven on earth
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Long overlooked as items lacking in sexual want and desire, the testicles have been overshadowed (no pun intended) by the veiny meat trumpet since time out of mind. So much time has been dedicated to the shaft of the penis that little thought was spared to the sweet tenderness of massive, low hanging testicles. Lately, however, some long needed attention has been doled out to these delicate egg-like globes from an unusual source. Old women, some even into their late 80’s, have taken it upon themselves to utilize a long forgotten cure for glaucoma called the Arabian Goggles. This unusual practice requires the nude, oiled and shaved body of a young male to ‘hunker’ over the reclined elderly woman and gently drape the smooth testicles over the eye sockets. Gently dragging the testicles over the eyes creates a soothing effect to both parties. “The balls have to be real warm,” Blanche (last name withheld by request) of Middlesex, Connecticut stated at a recent session in a suite at the downtown Ritz-Carlton Hotel. “That way they hang down really far and really work their way into the sockets.” Each young man seems to have their own special way to prepare for the fifteen-minute sessions, for which they are paid the princely sum of $300. Some choose to sit on heating pads, others run a heavy stream of warm water over their lap region to soften the flesh and allow the testicles to descend as far as possible. It is not proven if these sessions have any real medical value as no real reduction in glaucoma has been shown in any patients. “Feels pretty good on my balls,” one young man offered as he counted out his cash.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Enumclaw Jr. High Annual 'Stoners Versus Hicks' Fight Postponed

The Battleground
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Due to a lack of vehicle transportation and the constantly changing location of battle, the Annual 'Stoners Versus Hicks' fight held by Enumclaw Jr. High students has been put off until a later date. Though the fight has been an annual event since 1986, no immediate plans have been put in place to reconvene the battle. The history of the now infamous fight is straightforward and well known by all participants. "When fashion and muscial tastes of the mid-1980's began to polarize students, tensions soon reached the breaking point," stated Jim Krupa, Enumclaw Jr. High grad, while puffing on a cigarette at the Ski Inn Tavern. Bearing the telltale scars across his knuckles from his own experiences fighting for the 'stoners,' Krupa was reluctant to speak on the subject at first, citing 'emotional pain.' "The fight was the outlet for all that pent up aggression we were feeling towards the 'hicks.' By the end of September, we [the stoners] were so fed up with the ocean of fleece lined jean jackets and flannels we had to do something about it. The biggest problem we stoners faced was the reality that virtually everyone else in the school seemed to side with the hicks, even if they were preppy. The fights were without exception one sided and brutal." Krupa allowed himself a shiver of revulsion at the memory and turned away, back to his beer and the haunting recollections of the glory he had tried so hard to achieve. The interview is over, his body language clearly telegraphed. It is impossible to know at this early date if the fight has gone the way of Oakley Blades but it is conceivable that when it does resurface it will have morphed into a more modern version of the original. Possible incarnations of the original 'Stoners Versus Hicks' clash might be 'Snowboarders Versus Band Kids,' 'Quiet Anti-Social Kids Versus the Track Team,' or 'Kids in Sweatpants Versus Everyone.'

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Don't Let the Face Fool You

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
This kid fucking rules. One liners, cutting wit, unstoppable punching power and extremely tan legs make this kid the latest wunderkind to come out of the Sheyboygan, Wisconsin area in over fifteen years. Working the playground with a veracity that has stunned students and teachers alike, Acker Bilk is a force that only the foolhardy would fail to acknowledge. Not only does Bilk maintain an unbroken winning streak at two square for 83 games running, he has 3 confirmed kills at dodgeball. Unfortunately the final head shot that resulted in massive brain hemorrhaging and death in a fourth grader named Stanley Crotch ended Bilks 23 game stetch without a point scored against him. Bilk is known to hang boat anchors from his penis and perform one arm chinups with two cases of Otter Pops strapped to his legs. Expect great things from Bilk as he approaches junior high.

Van Damme Bags a Hotty

van dammage
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
So his career is in the lower end of a downward spiral and the lump on his forehead is growing steadily. Things are not looking good in Jean-Claude Van Damme's life right? WRONG! Stopping by longtime friend Ralph Macchio's trailer on the set of Beer League, Van Damme thought he was in for a few laughs and maybe a few insider tips on the latest martial arts techniques from the Crane Kick Man himself. Instead the Muscles from Brussels found himself in the arms of lighting tech Janece Handle a 46-year-old divorcee from Hoboken, New Jersey. Hitting things off in a big way, the two became fast friends and even faster lovers. They now take romps at least six times daily with 'lots of oral' according to Handle. Nuptuals are not in the works just yet, but 'you never know' Van Damme said with a wink and a flash of that heart-stopping smile.