Tuesday, November 29, 2005

I'm The Tan Guy In The Middle

i enjoy tanning
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
All I have to say is thank god for Jamaican Bronze tanning gel! I have been tanning for weeks to build the complete solid tan base that I have been wanting for so long and Jamaican Bronze is the ONLY tanning gel that has helped me achieve this goal. I tried activators, moisturizers, sunless tanning lotion (wasn’t that a cruel joke) and all for nothing. All my troubles changed when I walked into Totally Fucking Tan, a new salon by my apartment, and saw a bottle of this stuff sitting on one of the cute wicker stands beside the counter. On a whim I bought three bottles and figured they would join the three or four dozen largely unused bottles under my sink. Never could I have been more wrong. Almost instantly after applying the sweet smelling gel did I actually FEEL my skin becoming tanner. I swear I could hear it crackle! Now I have that ‘all-over’ tan that makes me look like I just spent six months sunbathing nude at St. Barts. I have to use quarts of Curel to keep my skin from cracking apart, but believe me, it is worth every application. Now when I go into a room, I know everyone loves my tan, especially now that it’s winter! I bought two cases of Jamaican Bronze from Costco because it’s being discontinued for some reason. I think I’m going to buy more tomorrow because I truly have found my wonder gel.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Sunsets Remind Me of Old Men Sexing Each Other

new mexico sunset
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
There is something about sunsets that moves me to experience feelings that I am not usually interested in. Hate, fear and distrust are all staples of my daily emotional output and stretching myself beyond these creates quite the predicament within my psyche. I avoid all things that might sow the seeds of sentiment in myself; happy movies like Platoon, ice cream cones, and the real killer-sunsets. Despite my best efforts I find it impossible to avoid all influences that might instill in me a momentary flash of joy or love. It is in the moments immediately following these situations that I fall back upon a very useful tool, a photograph I habitually carry in my wallet. The photo, a well loved and creased snapshot of two old men passionately making love, which I found as a fresh, young and impressionable child, brings me back into control. It is important to have balance in life and often it is something as simple as a photograph that brings things back into focus. Too many of us fluctuate between the polar extremes of emotion and suffer because of it. This doesn't have to be so. Find your photograph and be free.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Eleven Years Later, "Surviving the Game" Still Terrifies Homeless Community

Homeless and Hunted
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Deep mistrust of homeless people with the general public was dramatically worsened by 1994 thriller "Surviving the Game," scientists determined yesterday.

A ten-year study of homeless psychology by the University of Pennsylvania found that the movie was the principal reason for a dropoff in shelter attendance, and was cited by homeless as the main reason they've avoided leaving urban environments.

"In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shown that movie at the shelter's movie night last week," local shelter owner Brent Cline said. "I just figured they would enjoy seeing Charles S. Dutton on the big screen."

The longstanding demand of the International Homeless Association that Ice-T and Gary Busey issue a joint apology has gone unanswered. Ironically, Gary Busey was voted most likely to be homeless in 40 years in his high school yearbook. Their foresight was astounding.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Jesse Jackson Charges Biff Was Black Stereotype; Zemeckis Racist

Slaving away
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Back in 1992, following the completion of the Back to the Future trilogy, Jesse Jackson had plans for a radical social interpretation of the movies that would expose the racial divide in America much better than that worthless Travolta vehicle "White Man's Burden." His thesis was never made public. Until now.

One problem with the movies, Jackson argued, was their interpretation of blacks: the main black characters being pot-smoking rock and rollers at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance. And as an additional slap in the face, writer/director Robert Zemeckis implies that black rock legend Chuck Berry in fact copied his revolutionary style from a 5'4" white 17-year old from the future. For shame, Robert.

Also in question is what should be derived from the character of Biff. Isn't Biff, argued Jackson, a metaphor for the white Southerner's black stereotype? Power-hungry, moronic, poor English skills, greedy, athletic, misogynic, poor family structure. Alternate reality Biffs are no better: he is a corrupt gangster and gambler in the hellish 1985 portrayed in BTTF II, and in the "everything is fixed" 1985 at the end of BTTF I and III, Biff is a fucking slave!

"It may be difficult for white people to understand given Biff's fair complexion, but is there any doubt of the symbolism portrayed in suggesting the best place for Biff was in slavery?" thundered Jackson in an unpublished copy of his draft obtained by The Ancient Axe. "I mean Jesus Christ, can anyone seriously question the fact that Biff is a slave in the optimal 1985 Marty creates? What the hell is he doing at their house washing and waxing Marty's truck for free wearing that ridiculous sweatsuit? Are we to feel good about George McFly's new role as a slave owner? I say we are not, and I hereby declare this movie racist and unsavory."

Actor Thomas F. Wilson, who portrayed Biff in the films, did not return my constant phone calls for comment.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I Enjoy Love-Making and Danielle Steel Novels

a handsome woman
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
There are few things on this Earth that have given me as much pleasure in my life as an afternoon with Alphonse, the gardener, followed by an evening soak in my tub with a Danielle Steel paperback. The hot bath is necessary to loosen those muscles that might have been strained or pulled during my afternoon 'workout.' The book puts into another world of romance and fantasy. Miss Steel is such an amazing author, the way she weaves deep, powerful stories that engaged the mind and tax the mental faculties of the reader. I know I'm smarter for having read them! I own all 60+ books she's written, but I think my favorites have to be Toxic Bachelors and Season of Passion. I do envy her for being able to write this many wonderful novels and still look under forty. She always has such wonderful furs and diamonds in her dust jacket photos. I take pictures like that too, but I'm no Danielle Steel! I bought a framed AUTOGRAPHED photo of her off Ebay and it's sitting on my mantle at this very moment, in a place of honor. With my dust jacket photos ready for print, I'm going to being writing my own novels about love, lust and breathtaking action so the photo's have a home. I do love Danielle Steel and I love fur and diamonds. Oh I almost forgot, I like dick too. Big ones.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Nothing's Changed; Merinda is Still Ugly

Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
Time is amazing in its ability to mend old wounds, soften sharp jawlines and even improve some looks. Everyone knows the story of the ugly duckling and some may have run into an old classmate who actually looks better than they did the day they left high school. For some, things just don't work out that well. Merinda is one of those unfortunate souls who was fucked at birth and kicked squarely in the crotch by that bastard time. Speech impediment aside, forget about the coke bottle glasses, this girl was plagued by a moustache, a wierd odor and an oddly humanoid body sheathed in poorly selected garmets. I guess I should justify that comment, you could put a great looking girl in a gunny sack and she could still get laid but Merinda was a fucking nightmare wrapped in used toilet paper. I thought she might 'blossom' after high school (not really) things just went further downhill. She doesn't ski, she's going downhill fast enough- a favorite line of Joe Cerne (call him at 360-825-2210 for other pearls of wisdom.)But in the end, the wafting stench might have been just the thing a certain sailor was looking for. The kind of girl easily found in the dark. She is now happily married and remains faithfully ugly.

You Can't Resist Me

Big Red and His Beard
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Come to me and kiss my beautiful red beard. You've never seen a blood-red beard like this at the trailer park where you come from. My flowing, beautiful magenta locks are matched only by my colorful tattoos, fashionable style of dress and stank beer breath. So come to me my love; kiss the fucking beard.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Black Men Need to Keep Their Hands OFF

nice couple
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
I know that I'm not alone in my complete frustration with the current trends in interracial relationships. Though black men constitute some 5% of the US population they seem to have their grubby black fingers all over the asses of at least HALF of all huge, shitty looking WHITE girls. Listen up, there are a whole lot of fat, shitty looking white dudes that are getting left in the dust. Black girls don't go for them, in fact, black girls are getting the shaft too and not in a good way. Black men stick to big white bitches like stink on shit. So where does that leave everyone else? Up shit creek and the black girls are sitting on the paddle. What are these black men thinking? Do they really want to have 'mixed' kids? We all know how that turns out, Mariah Carey layed it all out in that interview. Even beautiful tan looking white girls like her are horrifically excluded from both races! I put this to all black men out there: Is that rolling pile of white shit really worth it? As a side note, all black men should be shirtless at all times...because, you know...they have nice bodies.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Local Barbers are Starving and the Thrift Store is Sold Out of Black

Sooo much hair
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
These guys are like locusts, they go from town to town setting trends and putting hard-working Americans out of business. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BUY ANY MUSIC MADE OR PEDDLED BY THEM. Once your 7-year old gets one look at the lead singer, suddenly he doesn't want to visit the barbershop and he starts listening to Creed's earlier work. These guys have never seen a Mach 3 in their life.

I wonder if they get into arguments on who started growing out their hair first, or if they ever both show up at the drag races wearing the same black shirt. God, how embarrassing! When they took this photo of their band they certainly wanted to look hard, but the white minivan on the left tells me different. It's probably the drummer's sister's car. She needed to go to the laundromat and asked if the band could watch little Jesse while they do their photo shoot thing.

But still they go on tour and hope that their big break is just around the bend, next to the White Castle. Keep wearing that black, fellas. That shit ain't never going out of style.

My Humps

holy shit
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There's a whole lot I could say, but why make a poor attempt when the Black Eyed Peas already said it better? Check it out...

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon’ do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Send Help!

cat window
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It's been three days now and my owner doesn't seem to be able to stop jacking off. He's been at it for more than 70 hours straight and I haven't been fed that whole time. Neither has he for that matter. All I hear from the bedroom is the click-click of that stupid mouse and the occasional moan when he finds a good 15 second porn clip. I guess I'm not being totally truthful, he took a break about six hours ago to grab another bottle of lotion from the cupboard over the wash machine and drink straight from the tap for a while. Wish I could do that, the toilet water is getting low. He doesn't seem to need to pee at all as he's losing enough fluid in other ways. The smell in that room is pretty bad by now and every time I go in there to bug him for food he throws oddly stiff socks at me. I'm not sure how much longer this can go on because he's got to go to work tomorrow so I guess there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's always like this around here. Fucking three day weekend.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Take It To The Base You Coward!

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There's something that everyone out there needs to understand; if you aren't prepared to take it to the base you shouldn't even bother being alive. Without going 'all the way down' you are cheating yourself and everyone else involved. I think you know what I mean. Time and time again I've come across people who just don't put in the extra effort and it disgusts me. If you're going to do it, go balls deep baby.

Fuck This Guy

Anyone who runs across this fucking guy should flip him off immediately. He's what I like to call 'a handjob.' The other day I was watching The Neverending Story and the doorbell rings just as Bastian is about to yell the Childlike Empress' new name out the window during the storm. Opening the front door reveals this dipshit standing on my doormat. As if the flatbilled hat wasn't enough, he was wearing incredibly snug jeans that hugged every curve in ways that made me feel wierd in my stomach. He wanted to hang out and invited himself in, but I better idea; I flipped him off. If you see him, do the same damn thing, it's the only way to get him to fuck off.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Owning Anal Jelly Does Not Ensure Anal

anal jelly
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Having purchased a case of Golden Girl Anal Jelly last summer I was fairly confident that the amount of anal sex I was having would increase. How could I have been so wrong? As it turns out the Anal Jelly is actually that, a gooey sludge made from the liquefied anus and nasal cartilage of equatorial African children. If this factoid is not disturbing enough, the smell makes anything found in a living persons rectum a wonderfully perfumed material in comparison. Perhaps that is on purpose, you know, to mask odors from the rear entry intercourse. I still have twelve of these jars lying around my place because the few occasions I actually talked someone into anal, one whiff of this shit ended everything. I think I'm just going to spit on it from now on.

Veiny Forearms Get Girls Wet

veiny forearms get girls
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
This much is a well known fact to Italian men around the world. Why is it that the Anglo men of the world are so blind to such an obvious bait for attracting women? Probably because they are so busy being white they don't notice the subtle cues from women. A healthy and active sex life requires three ingredients; wifebeater tank tops, bulging and veiny forearms and plenty of women to pork. Got forearms with veins thicker than your fingers? Get a wifebeater and get to screwing. A favorite of women across the globe is licking hungrily at the veins as a man PENETRATES her. That's right PENETRATES. There is no soft gentle lovemaking with a veiny forearmed man. It's about the grudge-fuck. I suggest doing at least three hours of wrist curls and hand-grippers each day to ensure a nice selection of women to bed. Every town needs its Popeye, why shouldn't it be you?

Study Exposes Benefits of Couples Emptying Bowels Together

bathroom fun
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Yes, thats BOWELS and not BOWLS. According to groundbreaking reasearch conducted at the University of Washington, healthful side-effects of eliminating in the presence of a loved one have been conclusively proven. Lower blood pressure, elevated mood and well maintained digestive tracts are just some of the many benefits of 'taking the plunge' as research analysts often refer to the novel arrangement. Having the love of your life enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of a bodily function normally deemed 'alone time' is meeting stiff resistance in some circles. Further studies show that couples most resistant to this change also have sex with the lights off and are generally unappealing to begin with. Dr. Ronthonaldo Peritonitis, a rising star in the field of gastroenterology and occasional professor, designed and ran the entire study from his home office on Mercer Island. Peritonitis strongly supports the introduction of co-mingling restroom activities with other household chores to slowly introduce a more open and interactive approach to bowel movements. "Make it a fun game!" Peritonitis suggested cheerily from his seat on a custom-made toilet in his campus office. The good doctor insisted upon being reclined on the toilet while being interviewed and did not so much as blush as camera's whirred and staff photographers snapped away. "This thing is really catching on," Peritonitis grunted and gestured at a wall festooned with framed photographs. Brief examination showed the photographs to share a common theme; twenty-somethings (undoubtedly students) enjoying a bathroom break in the company of a peer. Whether or not the group approach to going 'number 2' will ever catch on in a significant way can only be proven with time, but a surplus of used bathroom doors has yet to flood the market.