This might seem like a no brainer to some, but after a few dozen beers fine print can blur and mistakes can be made. Last weekend, after I was well on my way to blacking out on the champagne of beers I found myself in a Port-O-Let trying to 'numb up' my hindquarters with a dose of anbesol. The reasons for this behavior are beside the point but I'll say that it involved two cute gay guys at the Spar Pole. Unfortunately the Anbesol was such an effective numbing agent that it relaxed my ass so completely that my ability to hold my bowels was crippled. The results were shitty to say the least. Luckily the two cute gay guys didn't mind and we still had fun, but if I had been with two less understanding gentlemen the night might have been ruined. I guess this might be the point at which I come completely clean of the thing. No men were involved, certainly no cute gay guys from the Spar Pole. I was hanging out in a Port-O-Let on a construction site after everyone left and found some Anbesol left behind in a wad of toilet paper. In retrospect I think it was largely where I was at emotionally at the time that is to blame for the whole ordeal. Self loathing, depression, curiousity and a healthy dose of boredom drove me to explore an avenue of relief the product was never intended to provide. I'm a pretty mixed up person to start with so guess it's a natural progression that when I'm in a funk something is going to end up in my backside.
There's a great way to kill late night hours if all you've got to work with is an unconscious friend and a pair of low hanging testicles. Just drape your balls across any patch of you buddies exposed skin and a fun game has begun. Some call this 'teabagging' but a better name is 'afterhours balls on exposed skin game.' It's best to wait for your balls to be warm and kind of sweaty so they stick to your friend. Playing this game is a good reason to avoid shaving this region because the hair makes a crinkly sound if the music is off and you snuck into your friend's room. As a side note, you don't need to put your balls in the condom. Some of us learn this the hard way. Playing the afterhours balls on exposed skin game is by no means a homosexual activity because at no point to the testicles penetrate your friend's anus. That is the only off limits area of game play.
The world reels with the news of Satan's Spawn at long last being discovered in the flesh. Countless children have been killed by schizophrenic, crack-addled parents who have believed their own child to be the offspring of the devil but no longer will this be a legitimate excuse for infanticide. A young boy, whose name is temporarily being withheld until proper instruction from the Vatican can be obtained, is being held in a salt encrusted sea trunk at Boeing Airfield in south Seattle. The trunk is resting firmly in an inch deep puddle of holy water which is festooned with tiny, floating bibles. All are precautions against the escape of the monster. Details are sketchy as to how positive identification was reached but it is safe to guess that the child's creepy appearance and bizarre, disjointed behavior had something to do with it. You'll know more when we do.