Thursday, February 05, 2015

It Sure Does Get Hot Under This BIG FUCKING HAT

That's why you see me drinking Coors. It's the Banquet Beer, made from pure Rocky Mountain water. It cools you down when the sun is beating down. Even a big huge hat like mine can't keep your whole body cool. You need a frosty beer to do that. I love Coors. Colorado Kool-Aide. And I love this hat.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Like Irish Dim Sum?

Then go to O'Asian! The best traditional Irish Chinese food you'll ever find, served right in downtown Seattle. Like green beer? Try their green tea instead! Eat an entire fucking plate of shrimp-cabbage-rolls served just the way the asians in Ireland used to; with chopsticks! The legendary cooking traditions of the Irish Chinamen are no secret, but wait until you have a big steaming bowl of egg-drop soup. It is sure to transport you straight back to the emerale isle. Seriously, the shit is fucking amazing. Why wouldn't it be? Could anyone who dreamt up a truly wondrous name like O'Asian not make a delicious Irish Chinese meal? I doubt it. So go check this place out, or just get drug there by someone else like I did and spend an hour and a half absolutely furious that your money is going to some fucking retard that named a goddamn restaurant O'Asian and that somehow that person has miraculously avoided walking in front of a speeding bus. Where are all the stray bullets when you need them?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Timestalkers: When Bassmouths Collide

Whoever was in charge of casting for this movie must have been into fishing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Question That Five Film's And 27 Years Has Yet To Answer

How did Daniel Laruso beat Dutch? My answer; he didn't. That's why they didn't even bother to show the actual fight in the movie. It was just too ridiculous for anyone to swallow, even people that bought Billy Zabka being foolish enough to walk blindly into the most telegraphed Crane Kick in history.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Who Is The Real Mark Abernathy?

I think he worked for the city back in the '80s, but I don't really know for sure. He wore flannels, or not. And he might have had a beard. I can't really remember. He was this guy my parents knew and I think I saw a picture of him once. I can't be sure though.

Friday, April 08, 2011

Jonathan Sharkey, Gubernatorial Vampire

Sharkey wants his sixteen year old bride and he's not going to let her mother keep her without a fight. Fight, Jon Sharkey. Fight.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Sherds or Shards? An Archaeologist's Dilemma

Preeminent archeaologist Dr. Walter G. Lungwarts is currently facing what is gaining attention as the Sherd/Shard Discontinuity. "What the fuck am I supposed to call these little chunks?" The Princeton educated doctor asked, holding up a wedge of terra cotta clay. "How can I publish if I can't even get that much right?" I had no easy answer to give the man. "Fuck it," Dr. Lungwarts said at the conclusion of our meeting as he tossed what could have been a valuable artifact back into the pit at the digsite. "If I can't name it, what's the point?"

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Richie "I'm Wealthy" Rich

Who needs character development or plot when your protagonist is THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD? What do for book 34 when you're running low on ideas? Just have THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD shovel money into a night deposit box at the bank! No need for a deposit slip, no one else has THAT much money!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Craigslist Personals, Where Love Is Made

Craigslist personals are an endless source of enjoyment for me. Until now, I've never thrown my hat into the ring. Here's the ad I posted:

Ever Heard Of Retard Strength? - 31
I don’t really know what that means, but if it has to do with strength, I’ve got it. I’m strong. I love pushups. I love bench press. I can curl you by your head. Think about that for a minute. That’s biceps strength coupled with amazing grip power and impossibly powerful spinal erectors. Like Christmas? The defininition in my lower back looks like a Christmas tree. BOOM! Lats all over the place. I’ll do pushups right on your face. We could go out sometime and you could just stare at my body while I watch a movie. I don’t really care. I’m 6’3 and 280lbs of pure male. Fully buffed out. POW. Some women like guys who are confident. I’m confident that you won’t find someone that can do as many pushups as I can. Go ahead and try.

So I got a number of interesting responses. Quite a few were simply angry insults, which is to be expected when you've got a body like I have, but I decided to post the email conversation I had with Erica. Erica strikes me as a girl with low self esteem and possibly multiple personalities.

I do not normally answer these kind of things, but something about your ad made me want to. I've got brunette curls and blue eyes. My hair is really short, but I still look like a lady. If you have ever played WoW, my build is female draenei. Except for the horns. .... most of the time. ;) The thing I've missed about being in any kind of a relationship is cuddling. GOOD LORD, I miss that. :( Most any night after 7:00 works for me. Jsut let me know what works for you. Cya!

Sorry to take so long to get back to you. I was working out. I work out a lot. I've never played WoW. I'm curious how you can have curls if your hair is really short. That seems to be a contradiction. I like to work out muscle groups that contradict, like back and chest, to get a great push-pull pump workout. Awesome. Anyway, I think cuddling if fucking gay. I'd rather talk for a while, maybe about my workouts or something. What's your input?

LOL! I'm trembling, I'm so set to get together. Nothing can beat a couple of months of erotic repression in order to kick me in to overdrive. If you think you need to gawk at some pix first, I have some on the web but shit; really? Does anybody even look like themselves when they are in the middle of a really good screw? Have you ever gotten into tantric sex? It can be pretty ... I don't have words for what it can be. Later days, babe!

You sound like a fucking idiot.

Wut up, home slice? Thank you for hitting me up. Now I have a big case of the warm fuzzies. *grin* I want you to see me in the nude, and know you can have me. I want to put on some soft music, pour us some drinks, and see where the evening takes us. Later, tater.

How about I take a fucking shit on your chest instead?

Heya, baby! God, heck of a day. I am in desperate need of a massage. Why aren't you here?? Take care, Sug.

Guess Who Doesn't Give A Shit What Percentile Your Kid Is In?

Height, length, weight, intelligence, skull size... I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. You are probably an idiot and therefore your kid will be too. How about this for a percentage; 98% of people fucking suck. That means the odds are against you being part of that passable remainder. Your kid won't most likely won't be either. Someone I know actually mentioned that their kid's head was in the 97-98th percentile for size. Why the fuck would they know this? Why the fuck would they tell me unless they wanted me to laugh? FYI- I don't fucking give a shit about your stupid kid. Unless we're related somehow, keep these pearls of pointless information to yourselves.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Out Of Shape? Get A ROOF RACK!

I grew up a stone's throw from a woman who attached a $500 bicycle rack to the roof of her 1992 Cherokee. In the 12 years I saw that roof rack traveling about town there was never so much as a child's scooter strapped into its industrial strength steel frame. This woman didn't even own a bicycle. This struck me as curious, so I finally asked her about it, about the necessity of a roof rack for bicycles when none were owned. She told me the rack made the Cherokee look "sporty". This was a revelation to me. In that moment I realized that a simple purchase really could change your image. I no longer thought of her as a slobby, fat troll who only left her house to go to Costco, but someone who was living a 'sporty' lifestyle. Obviously, I began to treat her as such. So if your fat ass is hidden behind the wheel of a car where no one can see you, throw a sports rack on the top of your vehicle so everyone knows that you grab life by the horns.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

More Things I Hate

1. Population growth. We're due to reach 9 billion pointless assholes on this planet by the time I should have been able to retire.
2. Leaning over to pick something up, burping, and then puking into my mouth.
3. The "man" who had a baby.
4. People who think dying their hair weird colors is even remotely unique.
5. Subway, especially that one in Tacoma
6. That hunk of shit tv show Two and a Half Men
7. EVERYONE who shits on the wall in a public bathroom, I mean, what gives?
8. The fucking idiots who are going to publish edited versions of Huck Finn due to its racist language. Fuck you.
9. Progressive Insurance
10. The people you see hiking with two $150 walking sticks for a trail loop that's four miles round trip.
11. Anyone who can't take a punch.
12. Rubbers. Yeah, I know this kind of flies in the face of #1.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


Also, you dickheads that say shed-ule instead of schedule can all die slowly. Do you think that makes you sound smart? Even if that is really the way it's supposed to be pronounced, stop trying to be the sole voice of reason.
'Why don't you shed-ule me in for an eight o'clock tee time.'
'Well, your Mother didn't her birth control as per the shed-ule.'
'Yeah... well, do you think I can shed-ule that gastrointestinal bleed for next week? I'm not interesting in crapping blood right now.'
Okay, moving fo'ward, I think it's important to know that simple things like this will someday separate you from being in the wrong line after getting out of the cattle car. So... any mispronunciations out there that bug the rest of you?

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Hey, Wang! It's a Parking Lot!

They may have arrived together, but they had such different experiences on that beautiful Kona beach. Good thing they didn't let a single fucking second escape their cameras. This was the amazing sunset view I had one wonderful evening while these two fucking morons captured the water breaking on the rocks for at least an hour. They were at it so long I started to wonder if they were frozen like Robert Deniro from Awakenings.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Gabes Are Ugly People

Have you ever attached irrational emotions or imagery to a person's name? Well, I sure as hell have. When I was in 4th grade I met a kid from another school named Gabe. The kid was horrific. His face was simian, ape-like, with a narrow skull and protruding jaws and teeth. He belched purply-grape flavored something that stank. Ever since that nightmarish day when I hear the name Gabe I think of big ape mouths that stink of grape. Fuck you Gabe. Fuck all of you.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Fuck Christian Lander

This guy is a fucking gem. Is he really getting semi-famous for writing a book listing things that white people enjoy? Why not read a fucking list of someone's favorite colors? Are people out there really that stupid? Wait... I know they are. It is just a little hard to wrap my head around sometimes. But really? What a cheeky fucker this Lander bitch is! I just can't believe the nerve he has to write about white people without fear of being called racist. That's soooooo edgy. It's not even like Chris Rock and his endless list of black-bashing jokes. Jesus fucking Christ. It only took this Lander guy about twenty years of def comedy jam re-runs to realize that you can make all the racist jokes you want as long as you only make fun of own race. Cross party lines and you get in hot water! HAHAHA! Now the author of the book Stuff White People Like and the website is going on television promoting his book. Riveting! I can only imagine how fucking breathtaking those interviews are going to be. What could anyone possibly ask this guy? All he had to do was make a list of things that are stereotypically enjoyed by minority groups and virtually everything else is worthy of an entry into his book. His brilliant topics include such hard hitting topics as white people liking t-shirts, shorts and sweaters (each of those was a separate topic), expensive sandwiches, sushi, having black friends and diversity. Based on those beauties why not push the envelope a little? I'd be so bold as to point out that white people enjoy forks. I also think white people prefer living in houses and that white people like to have clean feet. There you go! Bestseller? You fucking bet! The reviews of this guy's shit book on are fucking amazing. How about Jayne P. Bowers who said "This has got to be the funniest and truest book I've read in a long, long time." Well, maybe she's a bad example. She did give 5 out of 5 for the book Flawed Families of the Bible. Fucking retard. Since I only bothered to actually read a few pages of this retard's webpage, I'll probably never know if he bothered to point out the one thing white people seem to enjoy most. Making fun of white people! It's right there! How could he not have seen it? His next book should be Making Fun of White People: The Best Way To Make Your Black Friends Laugh.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

World Of Warcraft Has Infiltrated Metal

This dude is fucking awesome. Does he hide the fact that he's a nerd? Fuck that! He's fucking PROUD of it. I thought this band was incredible when they released the track Severed Head Stoning on The Wretched Spawn album, but now... Totally badass.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Missing Since 1987

Fuck D.B. Cooper, I want to know where all the white dogshit went.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Like Album Covers?

Tell me what you think of these three I made. The bands might be imaginary, but the passion behind these album covers is as real as any music out there. I have so many more I want to share with you, but I'm not going to give them all at once. No-no. I'm going to give them to you doucemo. I'm going to give them... very slowly.

Richard 'Wildeyes' Roundtree

The man knows nudity.

You're a Wiener!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paul Giamatti nests in wood shavings.

Thursday, October 16, 2008


If you think the civil war had something to do with slavery or even the interference of state governance by the federal government, you've got another thing coming. Beards. That's what it was about. Long flowing beards coursing down over manly chests gleaming with medals. I have a beard and to tell you the truth, I feel like I could take over the fucking world right now. I challenge you to see for yourself, if you've got the guts, a penis and no interest in getting laid.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Perhaps Number One Buttfucky? Perhaps?

3 Shot Sapporo? Buttfucky? Ramen Nool? Perhaps?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha... Okay Pay Me

Hi! I'm homeless! I have a dog! I tied sunglasses on its head! It's funny! So give me some fucking money! HA! HA! HA! HA! Pay me.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Now Lie On The Bed... And Close Your Eyes

As the silky drapes billow on the soft ocean breeze and the starlight glints off my chunky silver jewelry, you will know you are with a realman. Smell my hair oil and know this. Stroke my muscles under Egyptian cotton and know this. Run your tongue along my wispy chinstrap and know you are being bedded by a true specimen of man. You are safe with me. Go ahead and say that you feel that way. I already know you will because I am a muscular man with the powerful mane of a lion. When sex happens between us you will know you are with a man because of my penis. You will see it. I will show it to you between each sensual stroke of sexlove. I live in a palace of white resplendent with throw pillows upon which I will love you. In all ways will I let you enjoy my malebody. The strength of my malebody will be felt with each powerful hump. Nudity is my gift to you. Loose trousers of Egyptian cotton with flimsy drawstrings that barely contain my bloated manhood will fall to the Italian marble floor. Your eyes will fall to my sexwand. Your eyes will grow with fear and trepidation. My sexwand will grow with a lust for your innocence. Upon the exquisitely expensive flooring with you learn that woman is to be subjugated by someone possessing a malebody such as mine. I am buff. I am goodlooking. You are mine.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How About Twelve More Inches of CONE?

Haier 33inch tall Refridgerator - $70 (Rochester)

Nello i have a MINT 33inches high by 20x18 inches with freezer4 Shelves with crisper ]]]door has extra shelves too for pop 70.00 its exellent white color tim 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx

i Have Bird Houses - $20 (Rochester)
i Make bird houses 1 of a kind heres some pictures 20.00 each they are made out of tree bark too 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx

Drawer set 5 drawers mint shape - $105 (Rochester )
Hello i have a good set of drawers;;the first 2 of thenm are in half to put your socks in and other things and the 2ndone too is split now i got it you can put your stuff in one side then you have the other side too the 3 drawers left ars big its dark browm heavy too but exellent shape too 125.00 offer see it you will buy it i can haul it too but you need to help load it plus gas iam 18 miles from oly exit88 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx 47 hign[[ wide is30 on top and 17 for drawers[[

Fountain Indoor or out mint shape - $105 (Rochester)

FOuntain ;;;Pedistal/ bowl and angel figure heavy ///comes with pump hoses too its out side working too real nice come see it its niceeeeeeee and cool tim 360 858 xxxx call after ii0 clock in the morning 125.00 cash . ill send you a picture too offer 360 464 xxxx cell

50] HDTV 1080 DLP TV RCA BRAND - $850 (rochester)

this tv HDTV is 4 mts old bought during super bowl sunday selling it i got a lcd tv to hang on my wall still watching the tv havent put the other tv up yet need room must sell 850.00 offer you can see it with my cam too il;l get it to reach the tv or ill put it on with my camera phone and send you a pictext messeage tim 360 858 xxxxhome cell 360 464 xxxx tv sits on a stand too

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Tensor light new - $15

60 -Wattbulb]]]]]13 height ;;;;Rotary on and Off Switch on shade brand new 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx thank you

Yes, he's back. Tim Cone is wheeling and dealing the way only he knows how. Check out these pictures, they will blow your fucking mind.



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

El Chupacabra LIVES!

The funny thing is... I used to be called 'goat sucker' back in high school.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

You May Kiss the Paunch

It was meticulously planned, down to the last detail. Every flower cut with care, every guest's program placed at a 90 degree angle on their chair, every strand of hair on the bride's head in place. But there were two large things their wedding planner didn't foresee.

The chaos theory is alive and well.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I Can Massage Vomit Right Out Of Your Fucking Skull

When I get bored, I like to watch videos of people vomiting. That's how I found this little gem. What I'd like to know is why the guy doing the puking gets first crack at the hose.