Tuesday, August 30, 2005

You Looking At Me?

the eyeball fuck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
They call me the Stare Hard Retard. You have no idea how long I can stare without blinking at all. Hours. Literally hours. No one can beat me at this because I am a competitor at heart and have found my niche. I will defend this title at all costs and have no qualms about gouging your eyes with my long black fingernails if things start to get close. I practice by staring at photos of people in magazines, challenging them to blink first. My eyes bleed sometimes. The doctors have told me I am causing irreparable damage and I stared at those bastards until they got all creeped out and left. Girls find sex with me a little weird the way I stare at them all bugeyed when I'm on them. The fact that I say 'hump' each and every stroke probably doesn't improve things. Oh well, I always find new girls. I'm the guy that can hold a gaze across a crowded dance floor like you wouldn't believe. Fucking lazer beam eyes on those girls and they fold under the intensity every time. Tonight I'm going to go practice with my neighbor, he's blind.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

This Halloween, Make it Happen with Robes

Robes Win Every Time
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Halloween is only about 2 months away, so it's important to go over the rules for costumes. The photo you see on the right is a very good illustration of the do's and don't's, let's review:

DO: If you're a chick, including sexual toys as part of your costume is always a plus. It reminds guys of sex, and sex is good.

DON'T: Try to be too clever and end up looking like a stupid piece of shit. I'm assuming the guy on the left is trying to be Wilson from Home Improvement. Unfortunately he forgot that chicks don't watch Home Improvement, chicks aren't impressed when you wear stupid shit, and chicks would never consider going down on a guy who stands with his arms hanging down like an ape. Imagine him trying to make a move on the football chick all drunk and awkward. Just awful.

DO: Wear robes that can pass for just about any religious figure or old Roman figure. The sweet honey babies you see with this man are all enamored with him. One sees him as being Jesus, another sees him as Caligula. It doesn't matter to them. He's already 10 steps ahead of Wilson over there.

All you geeks out there, take notes. Yeah I'm talking to you you fucking dork, cruising around Blogger looking for a new string of commentaries that fits your anemic view of life. I'm trying to help you. This Halloween is your chance - put down the Playstation controller and go buy some gorgeous flowing robes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Chances Are Good They Have Southern Accents

gas these people
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
People this stupid only seem to live in Virginia. One look at the shitty car and all the crap strapped to it and you have to wonder why not just walk to wherever you're moving and start over. What could possibly be in those boxes that would make them worth looking so stupid. I am willing to bet at least one Clay Aiken cd is riding high as well as an entire catalogue of Will and Grace dvds. Oh yeah, his bitch owns a dvd player. Poor people always do. She also has had her expanded cable package transferred to her new place too. Thats why she couldn't get a Uhaul. If that car is actually equipped with an airbag she is going to be decaptitated by it sitting that close to the wheel. Why so much more duct tape dedicated to holding the boxes together and not to holding them onto the car? This is the type of person that will kill you in a drunk driving accident then sue your family for damaging her green hatchback. I wonder what it smells like it that car. Can't be good.

Walken for President 2008

el presidente
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
The greatest news story to hit newstands this century has just been released. Christopher Walken will be running for president in 2008. With Walken at the helm America will officially become the creepiest nation on Earth. Delivering speeches peppered with quotes such as "I'm an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why" how can he possibly lose? Someday he will walk into the oval office and mention that he feels like a little boy who's lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. This comment alone would clear up all sorts of political issues currently under debate. Education reform would be solved by him simply saying 'study your math, kids. Key to the Universe.' He'd dress down subordinates with snide remarks such as 'you'd need three promotions to be an asshole.' Then to mix things up he might be convinced to perform a spontaneous jazz dance routine to enliven meetings with foreign leaders.

Walken on religion: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!"

Walken on sex: "Your house is burning! There's still time!"

Walken on marriage: "You've broken my mind."

Walken on the Taliban: "There's a small step from prophet to martyr. Can you take it?"

Thursday, August 18, 2005

This Is Probably The Coolest Man Alive

pre school teacher
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Anyone who actually owns a helmet like this has got to run for president. The boots alone are worth a Senate position at the very least. Imagine having a guy like this show up to argue politics and has a squire polishing his huge, thigh high boots while sharpening his broadsword. Just picture it if this style caught on and people started wearing this shit while jogging, fishing, maybe even when buying stamps. Picture the guy laying out on a beach towel and reapplying the corpse paint before playing a game of volleyball. Swinging his sword he could scream to the heavens 'fucking sideout bitch!' then slash the net into pieces. A man like this has freshly dug graves waiting to be filled in his basement. These graves are dug deep and with much patience. What I'd like to know is what events lead up to this photo shoot. Did this guy leave his house, drop of his videos at Hollywood, grab some teriyaki then drive way out into the woods to pose with a sword? Also, what kind of situation would require the use of chain mail and a big fucking helmet? The biggest problem a death metal viking warrior faces is the lack of good opponents to do battle with. The chances of running into anyone who also happens to be carrying a sword and interested in fighting must be pretty slim.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Visual Not Trying Very Hard to be Impartial

Don't Cry for Me Argentina
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
A study released today by the National Science Foundation illustrated the strong growth of legal abortions in every U.S. state over the past ten years.

The scientific community expressed surprise by the visual accompanying the study, however, which seemed to stray from the foundation's stated impartiality to the practice of abortion.

"It doesn't really seem fair to represent the number of abortions by the size of each state's frowny face," said Dr. Chim Richalds, a gynecologist at UCLA Medical Center. "Many women find abortions to be pleasurable experiences, and my wife and I have certainly enjoyed every one of ours. In fact I'm recommending that my patients should stay off birth control, which can be a large waste of money when you can just slaughter the defenseless fetus if you get pregnant anyway."

National Science Foundation spokesperson Sean Pfaff was unapologetic about their visual's negative slant.

"Ever since the Supreme Court invented abortion, this country's morals have dissipated to the point where my kids think Lord Jesus Christ was a wrestler in the WCW," Pfaff lamented.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Diane ''Dumb Ugly Bitch" Keaton

the whore
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
I fucking hate this stupid bitch. That's right, the star of Baby Boom. She is the worst piece of shit on the face of the Earth. Every fucking picture you see of the hag has her sporting some new stupid had like you won't notice how ugly the face is under it. She has big yellow teeth and a flat mannish body. I'm still wracking my brain to discover how this disgusting thing every managed to score a role in any movie. I wouldn't cast her in the most degrading porn film ever devised...wait...maybe if it involved a lot of bowel movements on her stupid grinning face. I await the day when it is discovered that she is actually a he-with a 9 inch tool to match those wide manly shoulders. There's something about this hulking she-him that makes me want to legalize mercy killing. Fuck her...him...whatever. Name a movie she's in that she doesn't look-act-dress like a fucking transvestite.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

New Approach To Midnight Snacking Is Catching On

read between the legs
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It may seem a little extreme at first, even a little silly, but the latest trend in late night eating is taking the world by storm. Strapping food directly to your head before hitting the sack is the newest way teens are beating that late night craving for yummy carbs. Instead of the weary trek to the fridge, having the food close enough to the mouth that hands are not required to consume it seems like such a simple idea inventors are kicking themselves for not having thought of it before. No one thought that the million uses of duct tape would include a way to eat more efficiently but that honor has finally been bestowed upon the already well loved invention. Tough on the sheets? Yes, but when you're young isn't everything?

Brilliant Mallard Largely Ignored

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Thwarted by a lack of opposable thumbs and an inability to speak, this young Mallard duck decided to end its forray into the field of quantum mechanics. Having mastered much of the mathmatics used in predicting the behaviors of microscopic particles, the Mallard realized his only path of advancement was to move into the controversial study of quantum theory. Theory means experimentation and argument, two things which are difficult to do from a patch of lily pads. Despite ground breaking new ideas that could finally meld the arguments dividing physicists on the issues of relativity versus quantum string theory as well as possessing direct mathmatical evidence that disproves Einstein's conservation of energy theory, the mallard is throwing in the towel. Seemingly content to paddle around a small pond waiting to be shot by some drunk idiot in a rowboat, the big brained duck secretly hopes that the Robin Williams of the animal kingdom will crack his tough shell and give him the kick in the ass he needs.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Faced with mounting debts, McFerrin abandons "Be Happy" philosophy

Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Bobby McFerrin, the artist known only for his excruciating song "Don't Worry, Be Happy," announced today that he has renounced his previous claims that despite what happens to you in life you should just be happy.

"I was young, I was impressionable, and I honestly didn't know how bad life could get," said McFerrin in a statement that looked like it was written on a typewriter with visible tear stains on the page. "I got Robin Williams to appear in my music video and I truly felt that I would use that song as a platform to bigger and better things. I was sorely mistaken."

McFerrin has since worked with various city symphonies to attempt a pathetic comedy routine mixed with classical music, a strategy that effectively alienates both comedy fans and classical music fans and resulted in no money for the dreadlocked failure.

Close friends who requested anonymity report that McFerrin has holed himself up and is listening to an inordinate amount of Ice-T music.

In a telephone interview, McFerrin acknowledged that he had been listening to the album "OG" on repeat for weeks.

"While I was singing that stupid shit about being happy no matter what, Ice-T was ten steps ahead of me by capturing the anguish of life. I am particularly taken with the lyrics 'There'll be no tears/No screams or cries/Just a laser beam between your fucking eyes' on his track Pulse of the Rhyme. He really understands what it's like to be poor and desparate."

McFerrin has asked that any remaining fans please send donations to:

The Bobby McFerrin Fund
300 De La Rosa Blvd.
Compton, CA 90021

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I Chew Daisies Through a Picket Fence!

sexy fuck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
When I wake up in the morning, my buck teeth crave nothing more than fresh daisies from my neighbors flower bed. Of course if my neighbor caught me I'd get a good spanking. Luckily for me I have these huge buck teeth and I can check those daises right through the fence. These teeth are for chewing up vegetable matter, thats for sure. Nice and square. I go through a toothbrush a week! Floss? Yeah right I use a section of rope with a few knots tied in it to catch the giant, fist-sized particles of food that get lodged between my beautiful front teeth. I am a beautiful young girl with a bright future of chewing large objects in my future.

Top Ten Reasons I'd Fuck This Old Guy

hot old man
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
1. The creaking of his bones.
2. His breath probably smells like coffee.
3. The man has the know-how of 80+ years of hot sex under his belt.
4. The musk.
5. Grey chest hair in the moonlight.
6. The possibility that he might be fucked to death.
7. It will make his heirs weep.
8. No one will notice his limp.
9. No 'oh I'm too tight for you' issues.
10. He's old.