Saturday, August 27, 2005
DO: If you're a chick, including sexual toys as part of your costume is always a plus. It reminds guys of sex, and sex is good.
DON'T: Try to be too clever and end up looking like a stupid piece of shit. I'm assuming the guy on the left is trying to be Wilson from Home Improvement. Unfortunately he forgot that chicks don't watch Home Improvement, chicks aren't impressed when you wear stupid shit, and chicks would never consider going down on a guy who stands with his arms hanging down like an ape. Imagine him trying to make a move on the football chick all drunk and awkward. Just awful.
DO: Wear robes that can pass for just about any religious figure or old Roman figure. The sweet honey babies you see with this man are all enamored with him. One sees him as being Jesus, another sees him as Caligula. It doesn't matter to them. He's already 10 steps ahead of Wilson over there.
All you geeks out there, take notes. Yeah I'm talking to you you fucking dork, cruising around Blogger looking for a new string of commentaries that fits your anemic view of life. I'm trying to help you. This Halloween is your chance - put down the Playstation controller and go buy some gorgeous flowing robes.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Walken on religion: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!"
Walken on sex: "Your house is burning! There's still time!"
Walken on marriage: "You've broken my mind."
Walken on the Taliban: "There's a small step from prophet to martyr. Can you take it?"
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Monday, August 15, 2005
The scientific community expressed surprise by the visual accompanying the study, however, which seemed to stray from the foundation's stated impartiality to the practice of abortion.
"It doesn't really seem fair to represent the number of abortions by the size of each state's frowny face," said Dr. Chim Richalds, a gynecologist at UCLA Medical Center. "Many women find abortions to be pleasurable experiences, and my wife and I have certainly enjoyed every one of ours. In fact I'm recommending that my patients should stay off birth control, which can be a large waste of money when you can just slaughter the defenseless fetus if you get pregnant anyway."
National Science Foundation spokesperson Sean Pfaff was unapologetic about their visual's negative slant.
"Ever since the Supreme Court invented abortion, this country's morals have dissipated to the point where my kids think Lord Jesus Christ was a wrestler in the WCW," Pfaff lamented.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Thursday, August 04, 2005
"I was young, I was impressionable, and I honestly didn't know how bad life could get," said McFerrin in a statement that looked like it was written on a typewriter with visible tear stains on the page. "I got Robin Williams to appear in my music video and I truly felt that I would use that song as a platform to bigger and better things. I was sorely mistaken."
McFerrin has since worked with various city symphonies to attempt a pathetic comedy routine mixed with classical music, a strategy that effectively alienates both comedy fans and classical music fans and resulted in no money for the dreadlocked failure.
Close friends who requested anonymity report that McFerrin has holed himself up and is listening to an inordinate amount of Ice-T music.
In a telephone interview, McFerrin acknowledged that he had been listening to the album "OG" on repeat for weeks.
"While I was singing that stupid shit about being happy no matter what, Ice-T was ten steps ahead of me by capturing the anguish of life. I am particularly taken with the lyrics 'There'll be no tears/No screams or cries/Just a laser beam between your fucking eyes' on his track Pulse of the Rhyme. He really understands what it's like to be poor and desparate."
McFerrin has asked that any remaining fans please send donations to:
The Bobby McFerrin Fund
300 De La Rosa Blvd.
Compton, CA 90021
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
2. His breath probably smells like coffee.
3. The man has the know-how of 80+ years of hot sex under his belt.
4. The musk.
5. Grey chest hair in the moonlight.
6. The possibility that he might be fucked to death.
7. It will make his heirs weep.
8. No one will notice his limp.
9. No 'oh I'm too tight for you' issues.
10. He's old.