Sunday, October 19, 2008

Paul Giamatti nests in wood shavings.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Gettysbeard


If you think the civil war had something to do with slavery or even the interference of state governance by the federal government, you've got another thing coming. Beards. That's what it was about. Long flowing beards coursing down over manly chests gleaming with medals. I have a beard and to tell you the truth, I feel like I could take over the fucking world right now. I challenge you to see for yourself, if you've got the guts, a penis and no interest in getting laid.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Perhaps Number One Buttfucky? Perhaps?


3 Shot Sapporo? Buttfucky? Ramen Nool? Perhaps?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha... Okay Pay Me


Hi! I'm homeless! I have a dog! I tied sunglasses on its head! It's funny! So give me some fucking money! HA! HA! HA! HA! Pay me.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Now Lie On The Bed... And Close Your Eyes



As the silky drapes billow on the soft ocean breeze and the starlight glints off my chunky silver jewelry, you will know you are with a realman. Smell my hair oil and know this. Stroke my muscles under Egyptian cotton and know this. Run your tongue along my wispy chinstrap and know you are being bedded by a true specimen of man. You are safe with me. Go ahead and say that you feel that way. I already know you will because I am a muscular man with the powerful mane of a lion. When sex happens between us you will know you are with a man because of my penis. You will see it. I will show it to you between each sensual stroke of sexlove. I live in a palace of white resplendent with throw pillows upon which I will love you. In all ways will I let you enjoy my malebody. The strength of my malebody will be felt with each powerful hump. Nudity is my gift to you. Loose trousers of Egyptian cotton with flimsy drawstrings that barely contain my bloated manhood will fall to the Italian marble floor. Your eyes will fall to my sexwand. Your eyes will grow with fear and trepidation. My sexwand will grow with a lust for your innocence. Upon the exquisitely expensive flooring with you learn that woman is to be subjugated by someone possessing a malebody such as mine. I am buff. I am goodlooking. You are mine.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

How About Twelve More Inches of CONE?

Haier 33inch tall Refridgerator - $70 (Rochester)

Nello i have a MINT 33inches high by 20x18 inches with freezer4 Shelves with crisper ]]]door has extra shelves too for pop 70.00 its exellent white color tim 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx


i Have Bird Houses - $20 (Rochester)
i Make bird houses 1 of a kind heres some pictures 20.00 each they are made out of tree bark too 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx



Drawer set 5 drawers mint shape - $105 (Rochester )
Hello i have a good set of drawers;;the first 2 of thenm are in half to put your socks in and other things and the 2ndone too is split now i got it you can put your stuff in one side then you have the other side too the 3 drawers left ars big its dark browm heavy too but exellent shape too 125.00 offer see it you will buy it i can haul it too but you need to help load it plus gas iam 18 miles from oly exit88 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx 47 hign[[ wide is30 on top and 17 for drawers[[


Fountain Indoor or out mint shape - $105 (Rochester)

FOuntain ;;;Pedistal/ bowl and angel figure heavy ///comes with pump hoses too its out side working too real nice come see it its niceeeeeeee and cool tim 360 858 xxxx call after ii0 clock in the morning 125.00 cash . ill send you a picture too offer 360 464 xxxx cell

50] HDTV 1080 DLP TV RCA BRAND - $850 (rochester)

this tv HDTV is 4 mts old bought during super bowl sunday selling it i got a lcd tv to hang on my wall still watching the tv havent put the other tv up yet need room must sell 850.00 offer you can see it with my cam too il;l get it to reach the tv or ill put it on with my camera phone and send you a pictext messeage tim 360 858 xxxxhome cell 360 464 xxxx tv sits on a stand too

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Tensor light new - $15

60 -Wattbulb]]]]]13 height ;;;;Rotary on and Off Switch on shade brand new 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx thank you


Yes, he's back. Tim Cone is wheeling and dealing the way only he knows how. Check out these pictures, they will blow your fucking mind.

ON:


OFF:


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

El Chupacabra LIVES!



The funny thing is... I used to be called 'goat sucker' back in high school.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

You May Kiss the Paunch

It was meticulously planned, down to the last detail. Every flower cut with care, every guest's program placed at a 90 degree angle on their chair, every strand of hair on the bride's head in place. But there were two large things their wedding planner didn't foresee.

The chaos theory is alive and well.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

I Can Massage Vomit Right Out Of Your Fucking Skull

When I get bored, I like to watch videos of people vomiting. That's how I found this little gem. What I'd like to know is why the guy doing the puking gets first crack at the hose.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tim Kaine Hopes VP Slot Will Score Him More Puss


With all these Tim Kaine-Obama VP selection rumors swirling, I'd just like to point our 3 readers to this scintillating Ancient Axe report about Kaine during his gubernatorial race in '05. Why the national news media never picked up on Kaine's brutal honesty about his sexual frustrations, I'll never know. But Obama should be worried about his own VP's inability to get laid by a middle-aged Judge.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Backstabbing Commie Villager For Sale

This is a once in a lifetime chance to purchase your very own communist villager. She comes complete with black pajamas, wild hair and a driving need to kill all capitalist swine. While she may appear docile and spiritually broken, trust me, she is anything but! Her will to survive and spread the true communist ideal throughout villages everywhere makes her the dynamic enemy you've always wanted to own. Surviving on little more than a cup of rice and some meager scraps of meat, she can entertain you for countless hours spouting off the most uproarious communist manifesto! Propery motivated (beaten) she will confess to just about anything, which is a sure way to keep any friday night from getting stagnant. Invite over your friends to throw shit at her! She loves it! After her pals submerged American G.I.s in pools of filth and excrement, she knows she's got it coming. So get out your wallet and get a little bit of old fashioned revenge. Price so low it can't be advertised (whatever that means.)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ted Danson Breathes Through His Hair

You heard it here first! This beauty has been sticking his big, stupid looking face all over TV for fucking years and no one ever noticed that his goddamn lungs are in his head. That might explain the massive forehead and elongated skull. But really, what is the story with Ted Danson anyway? He spends a decade playing the role of a studly bartender on Cheers. How is that even possible? Beats the shit out of me. Can you actually imaging being at a bar and someone like this is hanging out with his jacket collar popped and girls are just falling all over each other trying to get into his pants? How could anyone fail to notice that his forehead is so prominent his eyebrows almost touch his cheeks? Who in their right mind would think that sex with this guy would be something worth remembering? I can picture Ted Danson as being the first man to successfully play a comical serial rapist in a movie. His face alone would be worth an academy award. You doubt me? Just think of his eyes bulging out with lust and him yelling 'I'm Ted Fucking Danson!' over and over again into his victim's faces. I wish I had sheets with this fucking picture on it.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Please Call After 11000

A new craigslist ad from our old friend TIM CONE! Check this one out, this guy is on crack I swear:

hello i have 4 P235/75R15 Kelly Safari Trex Tires on Jeep rims - $275
Hi have 4 Kelly Safari Trex Tires Agressive treadtoo mint shape its a Geep Cherrkie so you get tires and rims and lug bolts 800 miles on tires 275.00 opffer 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx call after 1100o clock in the morning you will but them


Okay so that's good, but what about this one. The features of his vehicle boggle the mind. I love how he bothers to point out that the 'pinstripping' on a 95 Ford Windstar van 'looks cool.' Fucking retard. Also appears that he discovered the semi-colon button and decided to put some brackets in for good measure:

Hello i have a red 95 Ford Windstar; 90000 miles on new engine] garaged all its life ;;; mint shape ;oil changed every 3000 miles new tires 350.00.2 weeks ago // new idler arm too 150.00 .. crack in wind shild rock chip fixed too .shines as it was brand new ..interior like new .console i center of seats too for your drinks and more ..have all receips dode to it ..1200.00 done to it too new sensors brakes fuel filter air cleaner too lots more you will see it and buy it too many cars 3700.00 offer it will last you for ever cruise ]air.. over drive auto,,new wiper blades rad done too tranmission too done fuel filter come see it 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx .tim pinstripping on it too looks cool

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Don't Judge a Man by his Hilarious T-Shirt

This is an actual mug shot from our good friends at The Smoking Gun, and I felt it was my duty to share it with the world. Who the fuck looks at a T-shirt like that and thinks "Oooh! All my friends are going to be doubled over with laughter when they see this, especially when I wear it on the day we're going to rob that liquor store!" I'm sure the carefully manicured lip hair really intimidated his fellow inmates too.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

What The Fuck Is This Shit?



Please explain to me how this video corresponds in any way to this gay ass song because I'd love to know. The Disney Channel meets Dreamevil? What's up with these fucking lyrics anyway? Unbreakable Chain sounds like some sort of theme song for the Special Olympics or a youth group sing-along. 'United we stand, divided we fall!' That's pretty deep. I find it surprising that Dreamevil decided to include a song like this on an album titled 'The Book of Heavy Metal' in the first place. As far as I know, metalheads are a fairly independent group and joining in an unbreakable chain seems to go against their very nature. Picture 15,000 sweaty, shirtless dudes standing in a line holding hands in defiance of all that oppose them. Doesn't seem likely does it? A more believable picture would have them hooking their wallet chains together. Or maybe braiding their hair into one long rope with their bodies hanging off of it like Christmas lights. On a side note, I don't know what this cartoon is but it fucking sucks. Whatever happened to You and Me Kid? Those where the days when the Disney Channel ruled the globe. I was about six or seven when I watched that show even though I hated it. Something about it always sucked me in. On one particular episode they panned across the audience and I noticed this little girl running around the aisle in a frantic circle in her excitement. I remember thinking at the time that her parents must hate her because she was so stupid and embarrassing. The truth is that my opinion on that one hasn't changed much over the years. That girl really was a fucking joke.

Monday, January 14, 2008

1962 Fallout Book From Goverment With Letter

This ad was posted on craigslist a few weeks back:

1962 fallout book from goverment with letter
hello i have a i have a letter about western electric about fallout protection and a departmentof defense book on building your shelter dated jan 1962 i know its old and mint shape found it in a tralier i bought make offer 360 858 xxxx home cel 360 464 xxxx ill show it on my web cam to you thanks tim


So I wrote him from an alternate email posing a girl (pictured below) who I named Kimmy Lee. What follows is what I feel to be one of the more interesting email exchanges in history. Keep in mind that I was also emailing him from several other accounts, as was my cousin, to create the illusion of a bidding war on the pamphlet. We ran the bidding up to around $18,000 between multiple invented personalities who failed again and again to cough up the money. One of my bidders claimed he was unable to meet to buy the book on the agreed upon date due to injuries suffered in a massive dogsledding accident. It was during this ordeal that he had been forced to eat his favorite dog in order to survive the three days stuck in a snowbank. That same bidder also could not use the telephone to work out the details of the purchase because the telephone was 'simply too large.' Whatever that means, it was accepted without comment...


Kimmy Lee wrote:
Can you send me some pics? I can't believe you have this for sale. I know it's not a great way for me to enter a bid but I really want this for my boyfriend. I can probably scrounge up like a grand if you can wait a couple days. I have to sell this stuff I have but will have cash maybe sunday or monday. I also my boyfriend has an old classic charger that has been about 95% restored that I think he would be willing to swap if the book is in good condition. Also, what does the letter say? Can you send pics? Please respond ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks- kimmy

Tim wrote back: this is karen do not scam us we are not dumdyou meet and look and buy bnot play games 4 scammers your the 5th iam sorry we have it all

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't understand what you're talking about. I'm not sure what you mean by a scam. How am I scamming you by being interested in what you're selling? I think you're probably fakes then. I've been busy at work and this is the first chance I get to check my email and I get three from you all angry. I never said you were dumd. If you still want to sell the book let me know. Otherwise forget it. I could go up to maybe 2000 cash if I get some time to sell the charger. If you're too impatient go ahead and sell it to someone else. Kimmy

Tim: hi0iam sorry but i was offered 16000.00 dollars from a gut if you want it offer me your price now

Kimmy Lee wrote:
My boyfriend just found this through a book dealer in vegas and said he's going to go ahead and buy it there. I'd still like to get it for him but he said the vegas dealer has it for pretty cheap. I might try to buy it as a surprise for his birthday then. What is the absolute lowest price you will accept for it? He's leaving tomorrow so please be honest because I don't have time to negotiate. Kimmy

Tim: now much money do you have

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money do I have? Are you on drugs or what? I simply asked how much you want for it. You said you were offered 16000 but it sounds like that didn't happen. Give me a number to work with or forget it!

Tim: hi this is karen tims fiase hes been thru hell every one wants the books or book but never has the money hes seen 2 people and they lied to us dsorry hes in a mad point now not trusting no 1 your ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
What happened when he saw those two people?

Tim: this is karen they lied and said they only had 2000.00 dollars when they said 6000.00 so it up to him now he wants 8000.00 and got offered 18000.00 from a guy from canada but they have it and he said do not sell it cheap its worth ehe price now its up to you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I put the charger up for sale but I doubt I'm going to get as much as you want. My boyfriend wont say how much the guy in vegas is asking so I don;t know if 18000 is too high. Thats an awful lot of money so I don't know. My boyfriend said he's going to throw in a porn movie of me to the guy in vegas so i think they worked out a deal or something. I'm pretty mad about that though. I need to think this over.

Tim: hi make a offer 10000.oo yu can have it ten thousand dollars ill take tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
No way. Maybe some porn instead?

Tim: ok monyt first

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money then if I give you a porn of me?

Tim: 8000.00no porm ill give him me this is karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Hi karen. Okay, my boyfriend said to offer the porn. He's really good at making deals. He left for vegas today to get the other book but I kind of hate him a little so I think I won't buy your book after all. He's such a jerk.I'm going to go see the movie Atonement today. Want to go?

Tim: no tims looking for a 3 some my 2 time but its been yrs

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? Well I think I'm pretty cute. What do u think. Is tim? I'll send a picture. I'm asian.

Tim: tims cute too long curly hair med and me 38 c 120 pds nice butt i have too and tim got a nice cock send pictures karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I thought I sent it last time. I'll try again. It might be attached up at the top under the subject line. Can I see you too?

Tim: yout lovely tims says wow he says hes single iam his x wife too but we live not together tims been married 5 times too but a good man ill send a picture of him hes hot very good lover not 5 min but hrs of love making hes got a heart of love




Kimmy Lee wrote:
=) I like! He looks like a real man. Can I see Karen too? This is getting me excited!

Tim: call tim 360 464 xxxx i have no pictures he will tell you about me

Kimmy Lee wrote:

I'm pretty shy to call you. Sorry. This makes me blush! I don't have camera otherwise I'd send more pics. HOtter too. Sorry.

Tim: ok can i call you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Call me what?

Tim: on the phone i like asia ladies ill date 1 but dont know any to date your lovely too tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Do you want to date me from behind? =)

Tim: i cant date you if you have a boyfriend dont want to get you in trouble either are you free to date me its tim talking to you iam single too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
yes. i dumped my boyfriend last night. I want to try anal.

Tim: do you live alone we want no trouble from your x boyfriend

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Don't worry about him. I have my own place. Anal?

Tim: karen and i would love to kiss your body all over and make you climax if not ill come and she can watch us make love your ass would be mint and pussy too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have never been with senior citizen before. My dad wants me to marry old man because they are stable. Are you stable with job?

Tim: iam retired with income i live in a new house 3b 2 bath new 07 dodge magumn but i want a lady to love me for me iam not poor but live ok iam not a old man either i act like a kid you seen my pictures ill send 1 to yoiu if we meet and no trouble from your x boyfriend ill meet you i dont drink or smoke call me ok 360 858 xxxx sounds like your dad is right a stable man is good but a younger man is good too if hes stable

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have a very hairy ass.

Tim: for a lady ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? I want man who likes my ass with all the hair. Makes wiping tough though to get clean!

Tim: are you for real you wont call iam not sure now tim and karen shes here too saying tim your getting played

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Played? I told you im too shy to call. You're trying to pressure me too hard. All I wanted was to see atonement with karen and she said something about a three way out of nowhere. I was getting hot talking dirty but if you dont want to then forget it.

Tim: i like it too lol your cool but we dont get no where we can talk on the phone too i have a web cam karen left good lol i like you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
is karen ugly?

Tim: well no not in my eyes shes has tumors on her body but onlty one eye since baby hood she got a good personalitiy you will like her she likes to fuck and has a nice ass to hairy too lol but i cant get it up with her i was married to her but divorced she wants me to find a good lady and me a man for her you turn me on

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So she has hairy butt and one eye? Is her eye brown?

Tim: no blue she dresses nice too small 38c tits nice butt i lick it too sexy too blonde with strecks in her hair shes a lot of fun but my x wife ok going to bed night i want to meet you too where do you work

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't work. I go to high school still.

Tim: well your too young bye

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Okay fine. Forget the anal. I'll give you 14,500 for the books but I want the letter in a gold box

Tim: i want thesex too i cant put it in a gold box thats moneyyou have to tell some jewerly

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Why do you always respond like two or three times to each email? Why not just figure out what you want to say and get it all out in one? Kinda wierds me out you know? So to answer your questions, what does it matter how old I amor where I get my money? Doesn't seem very relevant. As far as the box goes, it needs to be fourteen by twelve inches long and six inches tall made of white oak and inlaid with my name in gold in old style lettering. The interior of the boxshould be rich red velvet with cutouts for the books. The letter needs to be set into the lid of the box beneath a crystal lens. This isn't too much to ask for $14,500. I need some give and take on this.

Tim: do you want to meet for coffee are you in college and do you want the book its going to end soon iam selling it to calif people then

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I'm starting to get the vibe that you are a fucking retard. I said I was in high school, so I'm probably not also in college. You ask if I want the book and in the same sentence tell me that you are selling it to someone in California. What the hell is the matter with you anyway? If you can get more money than 14,500 I already offered then fucking do it and quit emailing me. I will only buy the book if you provide the box, so if you can't handle that then good luck. No I don't want to meet you for coffee because you made fun of my hairy butthole. Kimmy

Tim: if you want it we meet at the police station here in centralia karen 14000.00 last deal

**About two weeks pass and I get around to emailing them back after I think they've started to sweat as no one is making any offers anymore.

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Anyone make any offers yet? You starting to rethink the box? Kimmy

Tim: you need to call me to talk on the offer no box you can do it your way on the box 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx if you wanted the item its what people do not talk on here so call me you would call

About an hour later Tim wrote again: ill sell it to what price and cash ;are you back with your boyfriend - make offer the box i have to ch on itif you got the money you got it karen says no box its yours to buy but we are not a boz ervice

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So does that mean you'll provide the box?

Tim: guess i can do it now tell me the size