Thursday, June 22, 2006

Suck The Fuckin' Wool!

There are few things in life that so readily create sexual desire like a nice bushy female underarm bristling with hair. The position of the hair under the arm, the armpit itself being quite crotch-like to begin with, makes this a secondary erogneous zone that even surpasses the breasts in their erotic appeal. Though some may scoff at this idea at first, few who have been nose deep in a mound of sweat-laden armpit hair have ever been so fully aroused in their lives. To understand this phenomena, one must simply try for themselves the delicate aroma found within. Of course, women with woolen armpits do not simply grow on trees, they must be cultivated from local health food stores and environmentalist meetings. Though elusive, these creatures can be quickly found based on the general flaxen look to their hair (a by-product of vegitarianism) and the general proximity of burning incense sticks. Now that the reader has a very basic knowledge as to the location of these highly desireable partners all that is required is to make a selection. Happy hunting!

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Great Names That You Won't Find In A Baby Book...

I thought of a few cool names that I'd rather have than the one found on my birth certificate. Feel free to use these to label your newborn as you see fit, of course using the provided surname is a requirement.

1. Bronson Jackworth
2. Chuckton Bruntley
3. Swole Fister
4. Boon Fuxley
5. Fingers Brohamptordly
6. Boost Manley
7. Milter Fruckton
8. Ronk Blessedly
9. Bruise Sweetly
10. Chunt Lister

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Wandering Minstrel: Rapper of the Middle Ages

They had no chains, no contracts either, but their passions were the same; spreading the joy of song and telling tales that would have otherwise been forgotten. The wandering minstrel of the middle ages lived a simple life, moving from town to town and earning their meals and coins from those whose lives they brightened with song. Much like the modern day gangster rapper, they often added racy ballads of sexual exploits to spicen up their catalogue of songs. Tales of battles fought and won, love gained and lost, and the politics of the day predominated the subject matter of their music, but it was not entirely uncommon to make jokes or include silly limericks as well. Rapping today is very similar in that it involves simple rhymes sung over a rhythmic background of drums or rattles. Minstrels also used drums and rattles, though their instruments of choice tended towards the mandolin or flute. Rappers today do not play instruments and instead focus on making clever rhymes between words that actually do not rhyme. By mispronouncing words the modern day rapper is able to create a massive arsenal of lyrics that would not normally come into play. Minstrels were either not so intelligent or were held within the boundaries of law when it came to the use of their lyrics and therefore were curbed in their creativity. Few of the popular songs of the minstrels survived to today, though a handful, such as 'Juliette Had Buboes,' 'Two Holes For Father Lockett' and 'The Doctor Bled Me Last Fortnight,' are still sung at Renaissance festivals around the globe. Hopefully, with the advent of the compact disc and the 'record deal,' the profound and moving music of rappers will be available for the enjoyment of generations to come.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The World's Most Interesting Photo

Few photos ever taken have captured such a tiered extravaganza of wonderous things to see as this. It is almost difficult to absorb everything that is happening here but I have to admit that while the woman's striated chest muscles are pretty amazing, the real jewel in this pic is the superhero in the pink headband. I'd like to think he's looking in a hand mirror at his hairdo, but I feel it is more realistic to assume he's looking through his fanny pack for another gold chain. Obviously taken at some kind of bodybuilding-health expo, this photograph is a great example of the types of people that can be seen at such events. I have actually been to one and the people watching, while not as amazing as what is shown in this picture, was worth the $10 admission fee. I saw juiced up bodybuilders in jean shorts that were little more than daisy dukes, mannish-female powerlifters getting pumped up to bench press, mullets beyond counting, spandex-aplenty and a hypnotized man strip to Elvis Presley. That was a magical day and I look forward to many more where I may be presented with a photographic opportunity such as the one posted here. Another interesting aspect of this photo is the man in the middle whose expression can only be described as 'troubled.' What I find interesting about him is that he is not actually looking at that freak in front but past her towards something that can only be worse than her, if that is even possible.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Not Atreyu The Child... Atreyu The Warrior!

If Atreyu is a good representative sample of what the plains people had to offer think about how hot the chicks been. He is so feminine and soft looking the women of that tribe would be unbelieveable. Only the bravest of men will admit that they became aroused by Atreyu's tawny mane of hair and those eyes you could lose yourself in, and not saying I'm one of those men, I just imagine that there are many men out there like that. Many. That being said it is important to notice the soft pink lips and the improbably perfect teeth. How could things such as this exist in a world devoid of dentistry? Because the tribe is so good looking, thats why! People forget that world's do exist in this universe where both a buffalo can be purple and a teen boy can walk around in a shirt collar cut low enough to piss through without the threat of violent rape hanging above their heads like a thundercloud. Things like this happen, maybe not to us, but they could! A normal man meeting a band of plains people would be struck by the Indian complexions covering Anglo-Saxon cheekbones and become driven to enter every person in the tribe, regardless of age or gender. The flury of partners would become a blur with the clapping of their sweating stomachs keeping tempo. Personally, I'm glad I haven't met any plains people, because I don't think I have in me whatever it takes to screw an entire group of people.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Welcome To The Jungle

There are few men who can handle the rigorous elimination process that precedes all inductions into the coveted Batboy Club of East St. Louis, but those who do join a brotherhood. The bonds that are formed during the hours of humiliation and degradation scar the psyche, but they also bring these young men closer, both mentally and physically, than they ever thought possible without the aid of lubrication. They are pushed to that edge, then shoved beyond in a grueling test of wills that matches cock against ass, dick against balls and teeth against urinal cake. These men come to the Batboy Club full of pride and strength, and while all eventually leave the hallowed Clubhouse, only 10% withstand the process to become full fledge members. The rest, those who are found wanting, are sent back to where they came from with an ice pack and a heart shaped card signed by each and every member, thanking them for their time. Tears are shed in parting, which is not at all unusual when men who have pitted themselves against one another in battles of the mind and of the flesh are forced to go their separate ways. Those who remain, however, cry tears of a different sort, those of pride and gratitude and anticipation of things to cum.

Watch Out For Those Fucking Rocks!

It's obvious that the state of things is completely out of whack when a bunch of rocks needs to be fenced off so some stupid fuck doesn't walk into them and sue someone. How fucking dangerous are those rocks anyway? They aren't even piled on top of each other. The only way you could possibly get hurt in this situation is if you were to sprint into them with your arms tied behind your back or fall out a helicopter onto them. But of course the fence really won't help in either of those situations so what is the point. Then again, the fence itself is pretty dangerous because a mentally retarded blind man with no arms could be out jogging and not know that someone put a fence up around the rocks he usually does the splits between and he could crash into it at a full sprint. The resulting injuries would yield a minimum of $1.6 million in damages and with good reason. No one should ever be held accountable for their own actions because everyone is too fucking stupid to do anything correctly. Therefore this fence should be equipped with bumper pads, strobe lights, warning sirens, a safety net and a pleasant, non-invasive paint job. I'm going to go cordon off the paving stones out by my car and strap foam pads to all the trees in the neighborhood. Wish me luck.