Thursday, June 30, 2005

Full Beards Usually Earn Sex

tiny thong
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
I grew this beard knowing full well that I would probably be hounded for sex from numerous young women. There didn't seem to be a down side to this situation so I began to cultivate a long Merlinesque beard. More work is required than one would think when growing a beard, it's not just sitting around letting things progress naturally. I found that rubbing the liquefied placenta of a horse into the thick strands of growth helped keep the beard glossy and full. The smell was not altogether unpleasant either. I have yet to find myself bombarded by offers of sex but I feel this is due to the fact that some women are nervous that only four square inches of my face is visible. My piercing, hawk-like eyes show them that there is much more beneath the beard. My beard continues to grow and so does my desire for the gentle sex.

Postlethwaite Not Very Good Looking

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It really struck me the other day as I was watching the Usual Suspects for the 2000th time that Mr. Kobayashi is a pretty ugly man. His endearing if somewhat pathetic role as Giuseppe Conlon wormed his way into my heart and when he finally croaked I was pretty bummed. The only thing keeping this guy from reaching any real headlining stardom is the fact that his face could scare paint off the wall. I have to wonder what goes through a person like him when they decide that they are much better suited to be in front of a camera instead of behind it. As a side note, its interesting to know that embalming fluid when pumped into human veins expands the erectile tissues. Think about that one next time they only open the top half of a casket at a funeral.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

When Oprah Attacks

Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

So let me get this straight...Oprah shows up at a furniture store 15 minutes AFTER it closed, they don't let her in, and the store ends up apologizing to her. Why? She plays the race card of course. You've gotta step back and think about this one - if it wasn't Oprah, but a white middle class woman looking to buy furniture, would they have let that woman in? where does color come into this. Is she trying to become a billionaire Rosa Parks? Methinks Oprah is a little too used to getting what she wants, and the press is all too willing to go along with it. This link was placed on the front page of CNN with the headline: "Luxury Store Turns Away Oprah, Apologizes" which immediately puts the image of a racist piece of shit store into your mind. A more accurate headline would have been "Oprah Demands to Enter Closed Store, Pretentiousness Clouding Rationality."

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Wierd Stain Probably Not Chocolate

Originally uploaded by graphics84.
Being the night stocker at a major supermarket has never been an enviable position. No one ever says 'no way' when you tell them that's what you do. It's just a job that provides a check every two weeks. It becomes much less than this when dealing with certain less pleasant aspects that fall into the job description. Remember hearing about the kid that crawled behind the bundles of toilet paper and took a shit? Yeah? Well it happens almost every week at a large store, for some reason more often in rural centers. When the day manager discovers this wonderful treat he most likely will pretend he hasn't because it will undoubtedly be found by the night stocker. Cleaning up hidden shits, wayward vomit and the less disgusting but also annoying package of raw fish hidden in the canned soup aisle by the shopper who changed their mind but didn't want to walk the thirty feet back to the meat counter is all part of the job. Chris Kelly, a long time night stocker did not find it unusual that his manager left a note to 'clean the area around the dumpster' but the ominous post script 'the walls too' left a feeling of foreboding in the pit of his stomach as he walked through the heavy steel door into the alley. A few seconds later he saw what he had hoped he would not, a dark splattery brown stain running down the wall like a chocolate syrup filled water balloon had fallen from the heavens at a decidedly sharp angle into the lower wall. Kelly crossed himself as a good Catholic will in situations like this and returned to the store. Cleaning supplies would be necessary but so would a nice tall bottle of beer from the walk in cooler. The beer would go nice with the crushing sense of self pity he would surely feel in about five minutes.

A Message from your Governor

Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Don't go see Batman Begins. This new addition to the Batman series will only tarnish the legacy we left with what should have been the final installment, Batman & Robin. Batgirl's suit had nipples that were fully visible on her suit - why would they dare cut her out of this latest version? I am the Gubernator and I will personally visit theaters across the state to insure they are not showing this travesty to the public. Christian Bale can probably bench no more than 235 lbs anyway. Remember that time in Batman & Robin when I told everyone to Freeze? You can forget about seeing that kind of wit in Batman Begins, it looks so serious from what I've seen on the previews. I wonder if they're going to reuse clips from the first Batman when they show Bruce Wayne's parents being killed? If you happen to see it - and you shouldn't - let me know.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Yo Jasmine!

Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Excellent point about the girly names for boys. I once knew a short, hairy kid from the mean streets who had the unfortunate name of Jasmine. He lived with a responsible older brother that looked out for him, but Jasmine's name led him to do unreasonalbe things like drink Mickey's and chew plug tobacco.

What Gives With These Pedophiles?

Rebel Yell
Originally uploaded by Joshb60796.
Everywhere we look nowadays there’s another article about pedophilia smeared across the headlines in bold thirty point font. Instead of thrusting these lusty fellows into the limelight to bask in the glory of their child raping brethren, how about take a step a couple dozen centuries and reinstitute an old custom. This is not a new idea by any stretch; an eye for an eye. There seems to be some squeamishness when it comes down to truly punishing those who deserve it, but I was fortunately born without this reluctance. I propose that society creates a system by which child lovers are made to submit to the same sexual intimacies they would thrust upon children. I’ve heard of a black man, currently serving in the Illinois state correctional system who is of massive stature in both height and breadth. His massive frame is such that the average man seems just a mere child standing at his elbow. Also massive is this man’s penis, claim those who have had the ill-fortune to have been sent to the showers in his company. A full foot long and thick as a man’s wrist, fiercely veined and a deep coal black, like stove pipe that has somehow been conjured to life. If this man were to rape another man, say a child rapist for instance, it would be very similar in sensation to that which was forced upon the child. After two or three days of twice-daily sessions of oral and anal rape, the newly transformed pedophile could be released to a hospital for surgery and recovery. Two months later, a new man would walk out of the prison hospital, changed both mentally and physically. The chances of re-offending, in the face of repeated ‘therapy’ would be well below the standard 75% recidivism rate currently seen by parolee’s. Some might be curious about the black man, whether or not he himself would be willing to issue forth such punishments, but this is not an issue of concern. There is always a man like this one, somewhere, just waiting to unleash his hidden talent. The ‘eye for an eye’ soldier could go about freely in a loincloth and be respected. We could call him ‘Karl’ and give him free drinks.

Feminine Names Lead to Murder

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
There is something fundamentally wrong with giving a child a name of the opposite sex. It never sits well with the child, and sits even less well with schoolmates who, as everyone is so fond of saying, can be so cruel. The young boys with feminine names are never able to escape the inevitable teasing and it seems quite likely that the offending parents have this in mind from the start. Is it as the Johnny Cash song suggests; ‘I grew up fast and I grew up mean?’ Is that the intention of these parents, to toughen their son’s skins against a brutal and sometimes cold and cruel world? It seems this phenomenon primarily afflicts boys, as there are few female Jeffrey’s or William’s floating around. Yes there is Daryl Hannah, that much must be conceded. But could it be that parents are so far removed from reality they think a boy named Stacey will have an easy go of things growing up? Even deeper into that avenue of thought is the reality that it is the female parent who chooses these names, not the male. No father thinks ahead fondly of the son he will some day name Tracy or Ashley or, yes it really happens, Kelly. The unlucky boys know this, because it is inevitable that after a particularly grueling session of teasing on the bus ride home from school that the boy will ask (probably through a shroud of tears) why his name is Rebecca. This will undoubtedly sow seeds of hatred within the boy and will accumulate throughout his lifetime, ultimately finding an outlet though unusual means. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that they become a serial killer. Think of Angel Resendez better known as ‘The Railroad Killer.’ Deep in your heart can you think of a better reason to kill a whole mess of people than growing up in rural Mexico with the name Angel?

Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Lewis Dilemma

Lewis and Pam
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
One movie that has certainly been overlooked from a pyschological perspective is "Teen Wolf." It's not unreasonable to think co-writers Jeph Loeb and Matthew Weisman will be looked at a century from now as Van Gogh-type figures - geniuses that were placed on this earth too soon for their time. And here's the crux of my argument: there's a lot more going on than meets the eye in that movie. Way before M. Night Shyamalan made this trick standard practice, Loeb and Weisman toyed with the audience's idea of reality: is what we're seeing on the screen what's "really" happening, or are we seeing a reality based upon on the mindset of the protaganist?

This isn't to argue that Scott Howard and his father Harold weren't truly werewolves - of that there is no doubt. No mere mortal could pull off a handstand like that on top of a moving van. No, the question involves a much overlooked character that is crucial to bringing Howard's out-of-control ego back down to earth and making him realize that despite his superhuman strength and chest hair, he's really just a teenager that should be himself - and that character is Lewis.

The question that is sure to be debated by our children and our children's children is this: was Lewis a real person involved in Scott Howard's life, or is he just a figment of Howard's twisted conscience? Scholars at top universities are beginning to formulate detailed theses arguing that Lewis never existed in a physical sense, instead representing the sense of balance and rationality missing in Scott's mind.

Remember the scene when Scott is wolfed out walking through the halls, and says hi to Lewis, only to be greeted by a frightened stare? The layman would think that scene is conveying Scott is alienating his old friends, but a more thorough analysis would show that Lewis was never there in the first place, and while Scott subconsiously realizes he's losing his grip on popularity, it only becomes evident in halucinations such as this. Note how Lewis falls out of the picture as Scott regains his compusure and plays the championship game without his beard and fangs: his conscience is healthy enough to discard Lewis to its depths.

It's a shame Teen Wolf Too (also penned by Loeb and Weisma) didn't reach this level of pyschoanalytic analysis, perhaps they were frustrated by the blatant lapse by reviewers to realize the depth to their first offering. Time will be on their side, however. The Lewis dilemma will continue unabated for years to come.

Iowa Man Pretty Sure He Took World's Longest Piss

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
Four pitchers at McLeod's Tavern on 4th Street and two Miller Lite tallboys during the drive home put Kenny Cho in a bad way to relieve himself. When friend and drinking buddy John Long decided to swing by a friend's house to pick up a Playstation game on the way home, Cho began to double up with a painful need to urinate. For reasons he was later unable to recall, Cho did not simply use the restroom at Long's friend's residence, preferring to wait until they returned to his apartment. Thirty agonizing minutes later Cho stumbled through the entry way to his apartment, dropped the remaining beer cans onto the tile floor and ran into the apartment's sole bathroom. Later, when Cho sauntered from the bathroom much relieved, he pointed out that he may have actually broken a record for 'the world's longest piss.' Long argued that he probably had not broken any record's citing a piss of impressive duration he himself had taken just two weeks before. Cho was steadfast in his claim describing the piss as having lasted 'at least five minutes,' as well as 'filling the whole bowl with foam' and 'almost overflowed the thing.'

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Confused. Orange hat.

Krispy Pins
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
There I was, stumbling down the avenue and desperately trying to remember where I'd misplaced the bar. God damn it I love bowling. It's really the only gentleman's game left now that dueling has been outlawed. And why the fuck should they care that I'm wearing an orange hat? They can all go fuck themselves. And if that bouncer says one word about my orange hat I'm going to aim it at his eye. This is my night.

Later on as I played pool, I thought I could sense a young girl glaring at the hat and I ran out to the street and hailed a cab. The interior doesn't match my hat but you can't win every time. I think I'm going to reevaluate my life in the morning.

Scientist Proves Inanimate Objects Can Indeed Appear ‘Gay’

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
It all began when bio-chemist Moller Beardsley overheard two young men arguing over the ‘gayness’ of one of the men’s t-shirts. “It’s got gay written all over it,” proclaimed one hip looking youth with spiky hair and dark worn out looking jeans. The other youth, a carbon copy of the first save the form fitting salmon colored t-shirt he wore seemed perplexed by the other’s accusations. “No way!” He cried, pointing to his garment proudly. “I’ve had this shirt since 8th grade!”
Beardsley, his interest piqued by the exchange, began a series of double-blind, placebo controlled experiments with hopes of once and for all proving homosexuality in inanimate object’s such as clothes, books, music CD’s and hair care products. ‘Gayness’ being rated on a generalized scale of 1 to 10 is assigned to those products that have the highest correlation to their proximity and influence over homosexual acts in humans within a fifteen foot radius. Conclusive findings show that an increased level of ‘gayness’ is found in items such as poly-silk blend fabrics, lotions containing flax seed oil, Susan Sarandon films and toilet paper.

She of the disappearing jawline

Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Have you ever wondered what kind of magical, hideous powers Rebecca DeMornay possesses? She has actually convinced studio executives to cast her in essence PAYING her to expose her thin face to millions of people. Tom Cruise didn't know what he was getting into, nor did Billy Baldwin in 'Backdraft'. And has Hollywood learned it's lesson? Of course not. You can catch Dr. DeMornay in 'Lords of Dogtown' this summer. Don't forget to bring a bowie knife in case things get ugly.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Caught You Lookin'

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
I think I caught you looking at my Lance Armstrong bracelet. Yeah they come in green now, but no I won’t tell you where I got it. I had sex with your girlfriend when she was a freshman in college. Man that girl was so thin back then! Sorry she’s all thick now, but I don’t really think that was my fault. I learned to dance watching all those great R&B songs on MTV. I call in all the time so they’ll play my favorite R&B videos instead of some stupid rock song with instruments. I slept with your girlfriend in my Eclipse last summer. My dad bought the car, my stepdad bought the stereo, my job at Abercrombie bought me the Nelly CD we were listening to. I’m going to community college next year, maybe. I think I’m going to be a lawyer or a stock broker. I haven’t shaved yet and I’m twenty four.

Boy unearths ancient axe head

An axe head that could be as many as 6,000 years old has been discovered by a five-year-old boy in a Worcestershire playing field.
Kieran Young was looking for pottery with his mother in West Malvern when he came across what appeared to be a large, smooth stone.
They took the axe head to academics at University College, Worcester, who believe it dates from the Neolithic period.
The artefact has now been sent to the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford for a more thorough examination.
Kieran's mother Lisa Warburton said the axe head was an exciting discovery.
"We took it to the university at Worcester to the archaeology department who were very helpful," she said.
"They told us, if it was British, it could be Neolithic, which is about 6,000 years old."

Local Man Struggling With Sexuality Finds Solace In Mountains

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
The man who would only provide his name as 'Jemimah' was first noticed wandering the footpaths of Mt. Rainier National Park in early Spring. Since then sightings of the sexually frustrated out-of-work coal miner have become commonplace amongst the close-knit family of trail hikers. "The boy is just mixed up is all," puffed Joey Kendall, a local masseuse, as he made his way around the 9.2 mile Cresent Trail. Kendall, a longtime visitor of the park first noticed 'Jemimah' on an outing with friends in late April. "What I noticed first was the shorts he was wearing. I can only describe them as being hideously small." Kendall's friend and hiking partner Michael Perrine declined to comment. With good weather fronts moving in and the promise of long weeks of sunshine, this young man may have to find a new place to work out his sexual dilemmas as visitors to the park are expected to increase as much as 300% in the next month.

Gubernatorial Hopeful Enjoys Sex; Handjob

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
In a move that stunned democratic rivals and raised more than a few questions as to his future as governor, Republican Timothy Kaine of Virginia, famous for the controversial ‘Poor Children Left Behind’ bill of 2002, used his recent town hall press conference at the Fairfax County Metal Shop Workers Convention to outline lurid sexual encounters with his wife, Judge Anne Holton.
“I guess I like blowjobs better than sex,” Kaine admonished into the microphone, scanning the crowd hopefully for laughter. “There’s no pressure on my part to perform.”
The crowd grew silent in shock, or perhaps even awe at Kaine’s candor, and the man vying for the top spot in the state took this as the green light to proceed.
“Last night Anne was washing up dishes, I had just been working on some paperwork in the home office, you know, and I started to feel a little… pent up.” He paused, staring at the podium for a moment, perhaps letting the scene play out once again in his mind. “I came up behind her, letting her feel my erection against her ass. She was still wearing this grey pants-suit she usually wears on Fridays. She sighed, trying to ham up how tired she was, probably wondering why we have yet to get a housemaid do things like dishes.” Kaine paused again to clear his throat. An aide near the podium pantomimed drinking water and Kaine shook his head firmly ‘no.’ “I spent about ten minutes trying to feel her up before I started to get really pissed off and went into the bedroom to watch some TV. Of course I’m hard-as-hell still and just grind it into the mattress while I flip through the channels looking for a beach scenario aerobics show or maybe even a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, hell even one of those stupid party line 1-900 commercials would be good. You know, the ones with the twenty year old models with hair down to their asses sitting around their bedrooms in cocktail dresses talking on the phone. Hot. Anyway ‘The Judge’ comes in, I always call Anne this when she’s not in the mood, which is pretty much all the fucking time now, so I switch to the game which doesn’t seem to show any promise either. She starts changing out of her pants suit, carefully in her closet so I won’t get the impression she’s interested in any way. ‘The kids aren’t home tonight,’ I say, pathetically still trying to get some. She sighs again and asks if I want to have sex. The fact that she asks means she does not and despite the giant blow to my self esteem for doing so, I say ‘sure.’ She sighs again and comes out naked so even the excitement of taking her clothes off myself is gone. She instructs me undress and I comply quietly, unceremoniously. We have sex for five minutes before she inexplicably rolls off and finishes me with her hand, never making eye contact or speaking a word. Then she went into the bathroom to wash up and I fell asleep. Pretty uneventful.”
This speech, while marking a definite turning point in the wanna-be governors race to the capitol, has caused major ripples in the political community. While some were angered at the explicit descriptions of sex used in the speech, an increasing number of proponents have begun to laud the man’s unabashed honesty.

Rich Bitches Pet Dog; Ignore Human

what the fuck
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
When Britt Galveston and Lexi Comstock decided to spend an afternoon shoe shopping the idea that they might actually come into close proximity to filthy man with black toenails was the furthest thing from their minds. Little did they know that their shopping adventure would lead them so close to the bowels of humanity still just a stone’s throw of their beloved Banana Republic.
Shopping downtown was initially Lexi’s plan, her idea of a great stress reliever from the rigors of being a stay at home housewife. With no kids and an overactive Latin housekeeper, she finds the monotony of suburban life in the high-end Glowing Pond housing community a bit of a yawn. Prodding Britt into an all day spend-a-thon was no big chore as the equally unencumbered mother of none spends most of her time shopping on Ebay for cute flip-flops and tennis skirts. Their husbands always away working, the two hopped into Lexi’s twelve passenger Ford Excursion for the fifteen minute drive into the heart of downtown’s shopping district. Three hours, five stores and an economy car’s value in trinkets left them in search of a quick bite to eat and maybe a few drinks too. Spying Kaktus, the new Tex-Mex bistro nestled in between a Starbucks and the GameStop, they knew their lunch would be a smash. An ignored appetizer, some weird salsa coated burrito-thingies and five Lemondrops later, the two were loudly swapping dirty stories from the Phi Beta Gamma sleeping porch and giggling at the two fat ‘housewives’ sitting at the next table. “Remember the night Kelly Rhodsinski took too many laxatives and shit in her bed?” Lexi cackled pointing disgustedly at the woman at the next table who (despite being a good fifteen pounds overweight) seemed to be eating her lunch. “That girl was always trying to lose weight. Why didn’t she just give up?” Britt replied with a chuckle. Another Lemondrop each landed the two on the sidewalk, a bit unstable but totally satisfied that they withheld the waiter’s tip because Britt’s burrito-thingy looked overcooked. Feeling a little tipsy and laughing full volume at ugly people walking by, the two spied a homeless man named ‘Bucket’ with his pet bulldog. Cooing loudly and making baby noises the girls squatted in wholly unladylike fashion before the man who hadn’t eaten a full meal in five days and began petting his mangy dog. Bucket, who’d spent the night sleeping on exhaust vent at the Pioneer building on 6th street, stared tiredly at the ground wondering if either of the women might give him a quarter or two. He needed a drink badly and his hands had begun to shake again. Meanwhile Britt thrust her camera into the hands of a harried looking old woman as she made her way past and demanded that the woman ‘catch them in a picture real quick.’ Lexi and Britt laughed most of the way home, except when a cop drove behind them for a while and Lexi was sure she was going to get nailed for DUI. Bucket wandered off after a while and stepped on broken glass while trying to take a shit behind a dumpster. The cut infected and because of the ensuing infection the doctors at the veteran’s hospital had to cut the leg off at the knee. That night Britt was trying to upload the picture of her, Lexi and the dog onto the computer and found a large cache of pornography depicting extremely young looking teenage girls. Lexi hasn’t eaten more than 500 calories in a day since then. Britt’s doctor found polyps in her colon.

I spent last summer with my uncle in Wyoming...

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.