Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tim Kaine Hopes VP Slot Will Score Him More Puss

With all these Tim Kaine-Obama VP selection rumors swirling, I'd just like to point our 3 readers to this scintillating Ancient Axe report about Kaine during his gubernatorial race in '05. Why the national news media never picked up on Kaine's brutal honesty about his sexual frustrations, I'll never know. But Obama should be worried about his own VP's inability to get laid by a middle-aged Judge.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Backstabbing Commie Villager For Sale

This is a once in a lifetime chance to purchase your very own communist villager. She comes complete with black pajamas, wild hair and a driving need to kill all capitalist swine. While she may appear docile and spiritually broken, trust me, she is anything but! Her will to survive and spread the true communist ideal throughout villages everywhere makes her the dynamic enemy you've always wanted to own. Surviving on little more than a cup of rice and some meager scraps of meat, she can entertain you for countless hours spouting off the most uproarious communist manifesto! Propery motivated (beaten) she will confess to just about anything, which is a sure way to keep any friday night from getting stagnant. Invite over your friends to throw shit at her! She loves it! After her pals submerged American G.I.s in pools of filth and excrement, she knows she's got it coming. So get out your wallet and get a little bit of old fashioned revenge. Price so low it can't be advertised (whatever that means.)

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Ted Danson Breathes Through His Hair

You heard it here first! This beauty has been sticking his big, stupid looking face all over TV for fucking years and no one ever noticed that his goddamn lungs are in his head. That might explain the massive forehead and elongated skull. But really, what is the story with Ted Danson anyway? He spends a decade playing the role of a studly bartender on Cheers. How is that even possible? Beats the shit out of me. Can you actually imaging being at a bar and someone like this is hanging out with his jacket collar popped and girls are just falling all over each other trying to get into his pants? How could anyone fail to notice that his forehead is so prominent his eyebrows almost touch his cheeks? Who in their right mind would think that sex with this guy would be something worth remembering? I can picture Ted Danson as being the first man to successfully play a comical serial rapist in a movie. His face alone would be worth an academy award. You doubt me? Just think of his eyes bulging out with lust and him yelling 'I'm Ted Fucking Danson!' over and over again into his victim's faces. I wish I had sheets with this fucking picture on it.