Wednesday, January 31, 2007

He Who Dwells In Darkness...

You thought you could trust him. You thought you were his friend. You were mistaken, for he is the one who moves behind the shadows and sleeps in the Devil's den. With a black heart and eyes filled with hate, he watched you slumber with the hammer of death poised to strike. He did not see you as his victim, to him you were nothing, just another sacrifice. As you enter the realm of destruction to understand his world and after your sanity has been shattered to dust, you will know what it is to be Todd Hoke of Bakersfield, California.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Gunt, It's What's For Dinner!

You ever get a craving for some meat and a fat juicy steak just won't cut it? If that's the case, you need to dig into a big pile of gunt. For those of you who don't know what gunt is, you find it immediately below the belly button and directly above the axe-wound of morbidly obese female slam pigs (women.) It's that soft fleshy pouch of joy that bubbles out like a hot air balloon below the beltline. Though the collection of this succulent meat has been banned in most nations, some areas of the United States' deep south still harvest this delicacy and supply it to upscale restaurants around the globe. The trick to harvesting gunt is to find specimens who do not have abscesses of the skin or adult-onset diabetes, both of which are rampant problems with this particular breed of animal. Once the target has been acquired and detained with padded harnesses to avoid bruising the soft flesh, a harvesting team will be dispatched by helicopter to excise the meat. The slam pig is then released back into the wilds of their trailer park to smoke and drink malt liquor.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Ahhh shit I'm fucked now

Goddamn it, why did I have to go out and rape some bitches when I'm a fucking newscaster!?! I knew that shit would catch up to me but I just couldn't bring myself to sell the windowless van! Why can't I be a newscaster and a serial rapist and have people leave me the fuck alone?!? I just want to read the news! I just want to rape some sluts! I want to live my life!!!!! Why???

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I'll Take A Handjob Over Here!

I'll be honest for a moment, I would love to get jacked off and by pretty much anyone at this point. I've been wearing pink, turning the cap around sideways, shaving my forearms, you know, doing fucking everything I can think of and yet nothing helps. No one besides my tennis coach will so much as brush the palm of their hand across my dick, balls and taint. I swear, the skin there is so sensitive at this point I can feel the heat of another human body from fifty yards away. That's through my jeans, I should add, plus two pairs of underwear. That's right, I wear two. A pair of classic white briefs with a loose pair of boxers as a cover. The boxer layer is just in case any girls see me changing they will see nothing but silky red boxers hanging down to my knees instead of getting a nice outline of my shlong, gooch and scrote. The classic white briefs add a level of comfort that I have never been able to let go of, plus they protect my cock, nuts and perenium from the sometimes overwhelmingly sexy feel of the silk. In addition, briefs enable me to give my constant stiffies the good old waistband-tuck so my engorged junk is not jutting out like a fucking monolith. I probably spend a little too much time thinking about getting someone to massage, kiss, french, tug and/or please my gorgeous fuck-stick, nifkin and sack, but the fact that none of the girls at school will choke themselves half to death on my rod while fingering my jewels and bonch is driving me nuts. I would gladly put out a cigarette on my anus just to get some lubed up attention to my aching marble bag, shaft and grundle. They are so fucking starved for attention it's a joke. So if you've got any tips on how to get girls to play with my fucking crotchell region, I'm all ears.