Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Five Sided Fistagon Is Actually An Engineering Marvel

The Pentagon is virtually a city in itself. The original site was nothing more than wasteland, swamps and dumps. 5.5 million cubic yards of earth, and 41,492 concrete piles contributed to the foundation of the building. Additionally, 680,000 tons of sand and gravel, dredged from the nearby Potomac River, were processed into 435,000 cubic yards of concrete and molded into the Pentagon form. The building was constructed in the remarkably short time of 16 months and completed on January 15, 1943 at an approximate cost of $83 million. It consolidated 17 buildings of the War Department and returned its investment within seven years. Stripped of its occupants, furniture and various decorations, the building alone is an extraordinary structure. Built during the early years of World War II, it is still thought of as one of the most efficient office buildings in the world. Despite 17.5 miles of corridors it takes only seven minutes to walk between any two points in the building.

Monday, May 15, 2006

I don't usually brag about my intellect, but...

Howdy Y'all
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I'm ridiculously smart. Ask me for the smallest ten-digit prime number and in like 20 seconds tops, and I'll rattle that shit off like I'm reciting the alphabet. Ask me to predict the trajectory of a meteor flying across the night sky and I'll have a diagram drawn up for you in no time. Ask me to name the five largest African countries by population density, yep I know that too. Ask me whether it's cool to wear Oakley sunglasses that have no tint, and top the outfit off with a cowboy hat, polka-dot scarf, shiny badge and blood-red shirt - and I'll say fuck yeah it's cool! I'm a fucking GENIUS.

This Milk Tastes Like Shit

After I work out I always enjoys a big tall glass of foamy whole milk to rejuvinate my muscles. The only problem is that after I get all hot and sweaty exercising, the cold milk hurts my teeth so much that it really takes a lot of the pleasure out of consuming it. I thought I had found a way around that by letting the milk sit out while I'm at the gym so it's more lukewarm instead of icy cold, but the milk tasted pretty sour after a few days of that. I put on my thinking cap and sure enough I came up with the perfect plan; I would put the cold milk through the coffee maker (without grinds of course, lol) and in that manner I would have a nice steaming cup of milk to enjoy each day! I came home the day after I dreamed up this ingenious plan and fired up Mr. Coffee, already pre-loaded with three cups of Darigold Whole Milk, my personal favorite. About ten minutes later I found a nice white brew bubbling in the pot, ready to drink. I poured myself a generous helping and took that first sip. What happened next can only be described as an extreme event in my life. I regurgitated the hot milk all over the naked, waiting breasts of my roommate's girlfriend, Heather. Her massive love globes were immediately scorched a bright red like a naughty, spanked little bottom. I apologized and she accepted, but things have been awkward between us ever since. Now I just drink the cold milk really, really slow. The way I like sex.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

John Travolta Is A Fat Fuck Loser

John Travolta has struggled with his weight and the length of his trousers since his first big hit with Saturday Night Fever. Unfortunately for Danny Zuko, all that plumping up has only helped him garner one pointless the role as a fat, chain-smoking angel in Micheal. With a scruffy three day beard and a beer gut he charmed his way into the pants of quite a few women in that movie, but mostly he just looked fat and stupid. Now that he has completely destroyed his career with horrific films like Swordfish, Faceoff, Battlefield Earth, and Be Cool, he has turned his attention towards a second career as an airline pilot and scientology minister. Flying around in a really huge bomber jacket and tight jeans Travolta has effectively trotted the globe without breaking a sweat, spreading the gospel of Hubbard. As always he was overdressed for the occasion when he wowed a group of Zulu natives with his own interpretation of their fertility dance. With tight bluejeans barely brushing the tops of his stylishly untied White Hunter boots, Travolta was hard pressed to lift his knees to a right angle, let alone pull out any real dance moves. Nevertheless, the crowd loved it and even pretended to listen to his strange stories about aliens, body thetans and membership fees. In the end, he boarded his huge jet and flew away after swearing to the Zulus that he would grow his hair out like it was in Swordfish for his next visit. "I'm a shitty actor!" He screamed from a small cockpit window as the plane began to taxi down the runway. "How did you fucks like my overacting in Face Off? Fuck you!"

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Punch My Flapjack Tits

Do it Paco, punch my flapjack tits until I shoot the milk. You know how I like that rough, punchy-fuck sex. I'll lay them over the edge of the tub so they get sooooo long and flat that you can almost see through them. I know you like that and it gets you sooooo hard. You buy me a long bra to cover them long boobs and I love you so much for that I cook special dinner all week. You love the long boobs and I love the punching of the long, flat boobs. Respect my flapjack tits. They sooooo sore from punching but I want more punching on the flapjacks. Punch the fucking flapjacks if you want special dinner.

Kamp Kumdumpster Hiring Counselors Today!

lets go to camp
Originally uploaded by Buff Tan Honky.
Ever wanted a whole mess of young boys under your control? Dreamt of spending late nights snuggled under a blanket fort with five ten year olds with nothing but the feeble light of a dying flashlight to make out their innocent yet succulent bodies? Let me ask just one more question if I may. Who the fuck hasn't? Here at Kamp Kumdumpster we are looking for a few extra counselors to round out our stable of education and fitness conscious teens interested in molding the minds and backsides of this summer's batch of youngsters. Culled from the nation's foster homes, these young, impressionable boys already know the drill so you don't have to teach them a thing! If you like the 'sit on my lap game' then just wait until Joey Kendall (age 10, Akron, OH) shows you the 'What's a gag reflex?' game his stepdad taught him since last summer! Hours and hours of fun and excitement are just a phone call away at Kamp Kumdumpster!