As you might have noticed, I'm looking pretty fucking good right about now. Things may have been a bit sketchy in high school but I've got them dialed in... fucking dead on. We'll start at the bottom of my outfit with the leather sandals I bought at REI. They were $75 and scuffed to look worn in so no would could ever look at me and think 'hey, that guy is wearing brand new sandals.' My shorts are from Abercrombie, the new Ezra Fitch Cargos, which are 100% cotton with an embroidered leather Ezra Fitch logo on cell phone pocket. They cost $78 and compliment my well tanned calves. The shirt, which I'm sure caught your eye, is a vintage Polo complete with slight distressing at the mother-of-pearl two-button placket and a ribbed polo collar turned permanently up. I won't even tell you how much this shirt cost. Okay, I'll give a hint... a family of four could eat well for a week with the money this shirt went for. That's just not a problem for a man like me. What is a problem for me, however, is my eyes being so light sensitive. I must at all times wear sunglasses. Even at night! This is not by choice or design, it is simply how the stars aligned for this particular soul. I am doomed to look that much cooler at midnight than anyone around me. That's where we come to the wrist band. Yeah its a Lance Armstrong, but one step further...it's signed. That's right. Signed by Lance 'Fucking' Armstrong himself. I have no clue what the band represents but it sure is trendy. I bought it off Ebay for an easy fifty bucks. Not bad for a piece of plastic. But that's how I roll, every day, paving my own way. I'm good looking and rich. The only reason I'm letting this ugly bitch hold the beer bong is she's a friend of my buddy's wife (who is totally fucking scorching hot) and she had chemo and I was trying to look good by being nice to her. No way am I going to fuck her though. Don't worry about that! I'm going down to the Liquid later to laugh at poor, ugly, fat fuckers strike out. See you there lame-o!
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