Worshipping Satan Has Its Upside

my rod and my staff
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

Be honest with yourself, the communion wafer is getting a little old. So are the psalms, the prayers, the dumb looking priests, etc. Christianity has shown its hand and I'm telling you, there isn't much left to discover. There is no 'ace in the hole' with Jesus. When was the last time a genuine miracle occurred? Why is it that miracles only seemed to occur before things like electricity and formal education? So here's the kicker, Satanism has all those things you are missing. If it didn't why would Christians fight so hard against us? Constantly they go on and on about the power of Satan taking hold. Well fuck yeah! I'll tell you, spending an afternoon in a forest of hate surrounded by groveling naked concubines and feasting on lamb's meat is the way to go. Sure we have wierd late night masses that generally degrade into blood-lust orgies but damnation aside, they are really fucking fun. The other day I had a pentagram carved into my back and we made a gruel from the blood soaked rags. Now this may seem strange at first but we're going to go around and rub the gruel all over people's door knobs, car door handles, the metal push plates on public bathrooms-you get the idea. You might ask why and so would we. There is no reason and the gruel does nothing except stink a little, but it is a shitload more fun than sitting through some boring sermon by a guy who has never been legally laid in his life. Take direction in life from a guy who has never gotten a piece of ass? Fuck that, I'm going with the Satanic Priest who licks the asshole of Satan as his final induction. Okay I'll admit that there are some pretty hot Christian chicks out there, but be honest with yourself, late on a friday night when the girl won't let you go further than a kiss on the cheek, I'll bet my brand new cape that you wish she worshipped the dark one. You know you'd require surgery to get the shit eating grin off your face after that night. I'm going to let you mull that over for a while. When you are ready to make a change, just contact your nearest Satanist. We're easy to find because we are not in church on Sunday mornings.