My Armband Tattoo Aint Shit After All

mom
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

I have to admit that the days following my barbwire tattoo around my right biceps I thought I was pretty hard. I walked around, no sleeves, just daring people to look at me wrong. I was inked, a member of the bad ass club of tattoo toughs. The tattoo clearly showed just how thuggish of an individual I really am. Or so I thought... After slamming my third Mike's Hard Lemonade I decided to kick off early from Zoe (thats the new cafe' and wine bar near my loft) and head home to catch Gilmore girls. Feeling confident in my new skin-tight black v-neck t-shirt (with the sleeves just short enough to show off the new tat)I walked down the avenue checking my totally retro Swatch to see if I needed to jog a little to make it in time. Next thing I know I've stumbled into some guys that were really less than cool. One of them shoved me an I pushed up my sleeve to show the tattoo. I guess it might have been a clue of things to come when they didn't seem to care. Things really went downhill after that. I don't remember much of anything after that except this really creepy dude with a neck tattoo that I have to admit was much tougher looking than mine. The doctor said the casts will come off soon.

Local Town Infested with Drop Dead Sexy Insects

Eight-legged sexbombs
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Area residents are becoming increasingly concerned with a rash of extremely sexually attractive insects. While insects are normally miniscule and looked upon with horror by the general populace, this infestation is full of insects that make Cameron Diaz look like Jimmy Durante. So watch your girlfriend, these fineass arachnids can pull off a new level of shocker on a ho. Some theorize that the "insects" are really just al Qaeda operatives in costumes. Either way they're damn sexy.

These are my real teeth

These are my teeth
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Would you like to see my new headshot?? I just got it hot off the presses and now the real tough decision making begins. Should I use it to become a middle manager at the local software company...OR...should I jumpstart my acting career and start sending this gorgeous mug to the talent scouts? And I know what you're thinking, they're really my teeth! I didn't even use the Crest Whitestrips, hell I don't even think I brushed that day the photo was taken! And I'd highly recommend the gel I use. It really brings out the wave action in my hair. I'm young, I'm handsome, I'm full of exuberance and I'm prejudiced against Mexicans. The world is my oyster. My favorite movie is Cool Runnings. I used to be Mormon but it was too intense so now I'm a Seventh Day Adventist, and I'm afraid I just gave away my last pamphlet. But I digress...hey, do you want to see my new swim trunks?

Homosexuality Is Not Accidental

gay things sometimes happen on accident
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

Are you gay if you accidentally check out someone's ass and the person with the long blonde hair and tight shorts turns out to be a guy? Sources say...YES! According to ground breaking scientific studies conducted at some less than noteworthy university homosexuality is the type of thing that does not just 'fall into your lap' so to speak. If your friend is changing next to you in the locker room and you bend down to tie your shoes and accidentally glance directly at his gorgeous penis and balls, you are gay. This is your suppressed homosexuality slipping out for a microsecond and there is nothing accidental about it at all. There is nothing accidental about dropping a lemon wedge you were trying to shove into your beer and brushing your friend's leg when you go to retrieve it. You are extremely homosexual if this happens. So watch out because you are probably gayer than you think.

Online Love Exists

moustache
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

From the photo you can tell Im a pretty good looking guy. But even for me love can be tough to find. Then I caught up with the times. Computers are where it's at! Here is a quick conversation I had online that found me a match made in heaven. Enjoy!

logging hogglemustdie into chat...

You joined 40's:5
Topic: you're in the prime of your life, so enjoy it!
Connecting to the audio chat server...
hogglemustdie joined the room.
hogglemustdie: strapped to the chair they should die there
foamy: i have the same problem hazel when my kids come
hazeleyedminx: which one?
hogglemustdie: we dont dont need you or your lives
hogglemustdie: piles of guts moist and steaming
hogglemustdie: face down dead on the ground
foamy: hog ....cut that out will ya
hogglemustdie: five days before another is found
toney282: brb ...but not staying here
hogglemustdie: i come alive in the darkness
hogglemustdie: dead buried and nameless
sweet_tater_tess: Hoggle just died in the iggy bin
hogglemustdie: half eaten by insects… I love the DEAD!
hogglemustdie: im sooooooo tan
foamy: **** who desnt deserve out time or day
whitewolf: woopie!!!!!!!! so am i
boobs_an_ass: any one like big wimen
boobs_an_ass: big an easy
hogglemustdie: not sure...did I mention I was tan?
foamy: awww kare...dont make me
hogglemustdie: got a haiku for you all:
boobs_an_ass: cant a girl even get laid in here
hogglemustdie: dead bitch on my floor, her head all wrapped in plastic, it must be thursday!
hogglemustdie: im still tan over here, gimme some love!
sweet_tater_tess: I know it hurts when you lose them.
hogglemustdie: anyone want to talk about my body for a while ?
do_u_kare: she was only 9 weeks
whitewolf: aw! thats sad i lost my 14 yr old lab
hogglemustdie: for starters its tan, also it is sooooo MALE
hogglemustdie: white becomes bronze
hogglemustdie: tan is the new gold
whitewolf: sorry to hear that
foamy: i lost my 17 mix breed.....and hubby brought home another dog....but i wasnt ready for it....so i asked him to take it back
hogglemustdie: even my armpits are golden brown
hogglemustdie: i wash laundry on my abs
whitewolf: i adopted a chichauhau after my angel died
do_u_kare: I still have her two brothers
whitewolf: i have 2 of angels pups one looks like her
foamy: just that at the time i wasnt ready for another dog to take her place
hogglemustdie: my girlfriend looks like a dog
boobs_an_ass: plenty to go around for every on
hogglemustdie: i also do her like a dog
hogglemustdie: i shave my back and smear mayo on it
hogglemustdie: that way the tan tastes good
hogglemustdie: i made love last night soooooooo slowly
boobs_an_ass: i didnt hoggle but just had to play with my toys
hogglemustdie: my back aches like shit now
too_old_to_run_fast: yes, boobs and hoggl r a match made in chat heaven
boobs_an_ass: yea i could turn him ever way but loose
devil_eyed_redhead: than do it, and leave the rest of us alone
foamy: yea we think she has spaniel and whtever else in her
boobs_an_ass: i think i like him a lot
hogglemustdie: ive got a match for you, my face and your ass
boobs_an_ass: i am real nice
hogglemustdie: my face is the size of a walnut all scrunched and brown from tanning
hogglemustdie: im not gay anymore, but I still try
hogglemustdie: anyone want to discuss my newest tanning oil?
boobs_an_ass: well my ass is a little bigger and very white i should be able to see you
splendid_in_red1951 left the room.
hogglemustdie: my entire head could fit into a coffee cup
foamy: i think boobs is invisiable
boobs_an_ass: how about in my coffee cup handsome
hogglemustdie: i have big huge low hanging testicles
boobs_an_ass: hoggle i need your tool for just one nite
hogglemustdie: my body aches from sex and tanning but I crave more of both
hogglemustdie: boobsanass has a face like an old leather wallet
hogglemustdie: i want to make love to her now
hogglemustdie: okay, all joking aside. anyone want to talk about my tan body now?
hogglemustdie: i love babes with large wierd teeth

Yo Yo Ma featuring The Shocker

Yo Yo Shocker
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

In case you hadn't heard, Yo Yo Ma likes to play the cello. He also likes a girl who is willing to, shall we say, experiment. The man has travelled the world delighting audiences with his bittersweet blend of cello solos and 3rd grade teacher looks. And it was in India that he got his first taste of the hand signal designed to shock and awe: The Shocker. He is now working on a concept album dedicated to this sign language of love. Delightful cello sounds will be interspersed with surprised moans and dirty whispers. Former Digital Underground rapper Shock-G is also rumored to make an appearance. Expect to see it banned at Wal-Mart and embraced by hipsters and perverts.

Hoggle's Lament

Hoggle
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Hello, my name is Hoggle. I led Sarah around the tricky labrynth to save that bratty kid Toby from the Goblin King. Yeah OK, I might have been a bit of a pussy but all's well that ends well, right? There is one item I never did accomplish though...I was really hoping to 'hook up' with Sarah during the journey. Reflecting back on it, there's 5 reasons I didn't get the job done:

1. Chicks dig men in beige tights with their package bulging out uncontrollably.

2. I look more like Billy Crystal in about 80 years.

3. Jareth also had teased bangs and a bigger house.

4. Ludo was a shitty wingman.

5. I wear a chastity belt.

Worshipping Satan Has Its Upside

my rod and my staff
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

Be honest with yourself, the communion wafer is getting a little old. So are the psalms, the prayers, the dumb looking priests, etc. Christianity has shown its hand and I'm telling you, there isn't much left to discover. There is no 'ace in the hole' with Jesus. When was the last time a genuine miracle occurred? Why is it that miracles only seemed to occur before things like electricity and formal education? So here's the kicker, Satanism has all those things you are missing. If it didn't why would Christians fight so hard against us? Constantly they go on and on about the power of Satan taking hold. Well fuck yeah! I'll tell you, spending an afternoon in a forest of hate surrounded by groveling naked concubines and feasting on lamb's meat is the way to go. Sure we have wierd late night masses that generally degrade into blood-lust orgies but damnation aside, they are really fucking fun. The other day I had a pentagram carved into my back and we made a gruel from the blood soaked rags. Now this may seem strange at first but we're going to go around and rub the gruel all over people's door knobs, car door handles, the metal push plates on public bathrooms-you get the idea. You might ask why and so would we. There is no reason and the gruel does nothing except stink a little, but it is a shitload more fun than sitting through some boring sermon by a guy who has never been legally laid in his life. Take direction in life from a guy who has never gotten a piece of ass? Fuck that, I'm going with the Satanic Priest who licks the asshole of Satan as his final induction. Okay I'll admit that there are some pretty hot Christian chicks out there, but be honest with yourself, late on a friday night when the girl won't let you go further than a kiss on the cheek, I'll bet my brand new cape that you wish she worshipped the dark one. You know you'd require surgery to get the shit eating grin off your face after that night. I'm going to let you mull that over for a while. When you are ready to make a change, just contact your nearest Satanist. We're easy to find because we are not in church on Sunday mornings.

Who Wants Sex Now?

we make sex now yes?
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

Okay, what the fuck is with the illustrations inside condom packages? To be honest, you'd think someone using a condom would be mature enough to have diagrams that don't appear to be geared towards ten-year-olds. What gives with the wierd fucking balls and the snatch that doesn't have hair but a strange five o'clock shadow? Back to those nuts for a minute. I'd like to know who has nuts that look like a cartoon chin because that fucking guy needs to see a doctor or something. Also, where the fuck are the guy's legs? He just has this wierd disembodied crotch floating in front of her oddly flat crotch that needs a shave. An added bonus for this guy is that he must have the longest pinky finger known to man. Just look at the drawing for a minute and you'll realize that his pinky must be much longer than his index finger. That would be pretty useful for things like scooping up cocaine and giving the shocker really deep.

Arrrghh! This Tooth Be Magical!

kiss the tooth
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

The scourge of the seven seas be sweet Erin of Yorkshire Proper whose big front tooth is the ruin of many a young man. She lures the lads in with a flash of 'er tooth and leaves 'em high and dry without a cent to their names. This trick of 'er tooth she calls Cuspid Majik for it works better than Gargamel's potions when stealing the heart of the wayward man. Her favorite haunt be the Old Salty Dog tavern, though truth be told, she's been seen as far away as the J&M in Seattle and McSorley's on Manhattan Island. Her tricks be devious and her strength unknown as she's been seen to take in as many as ten sailors in a single evening with nary a stretch mark or a bleedin' crack to show for it. If you run into the likes of Erin, keep one eye on the tooth and yer hand on yer wallet.

This Head Was Built For Thinkin'

920423
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

HEY YOU! That's right! I'm talkin' to you! I'm the kid with the big-ass head lying here on the bench. Don't think I didn't notice your sidelong glances and shocked expression. I know you looked away so quickly because you are jealous of just how big my goddamn head really is. I can think like a son-of-a-bitch with this fucker too. Don't doubt it for a second. I can think around corners like a white bitch can smell cash in a wallet. I'm fucking hard like that. See this bitch in the bandana? She's only sitting here so the fucker with the camera wouldn't snap a picture of the huge fucking cock I have too. Yeah, having a big head is like that, you sometimes get a few more somewhere else. But to be honest, you know, on a lighter note, I hope my neck bulks up a little because a brain this huge likes to think upright. I'm tired of this stupid ass bench. I have a pillow the size of a coffee table and the fuck is custom built. When I grow some hair I'm going to whiff that shit to the sky so fuckers will see me coming from a goddamn mile. I'm going to go think about some intelligent shit right now like particle physics and fucking wave-particle duality. Fuck headbands, fuck size 7 hats and fuck this shit. I'm out.

Yeah I Party

we made love together
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

So you asked what I did this last weekend? No? Well I'll tell you anyway. I got fucked up. That's right. Totally fucking hammered. Me and my buddies went down to the asian market on the corner and picked up a case of Lucky and a couple packs of smokes. I slammed two of those fucking beers before we even got back. I stuffed the empties behind some car tires so when they drive off they might pop the tires. Kenny said he was going to drink at least ten but at the rate I was going there wasn't going to be enough for him because I was going to drink at least twenty. I kept chugging them, those stubby, stupid fucking bottles one after another. Joe got pissed and left when I pissed in a bottle and spilled the shit all over his jacket when I was trying to throw it out the window. I finished a bunch of those fucking beers then I passed out on the couch. I guess a bunch of fuckers came over later but I wasn't awake for that shit. Those fucks probably didn't drink that much anyway. Fucks.

You might recognize me from fat camp

Anorexic
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Hey there, you look familiar! Didn't you go to Sgt. Stickler's Tub-o-Discipline Camp in Richmond, summer of '76? I thought it was you! How's life turned out for you? You look like you actually dropped a few pounds since then! Har har har. Oh, my shirt? You like it huh? Yeah I guess you could say I didn't take in too many of the lessons Sarge drilled into us that summer! In fact at the advice of my therapist, I'm learning to take my weight problem lightly, and even poke fun at it now and then. I thought this Irish football game would be a perfect time to let the world know that I'm very comfortable knowing children openly stare at me in public. You only live once right? Never thought I'd run into you here though! I'm actually thinking of starting a line of funny T-shirts for the large gentleman. Yeah, probably a pipe dream but I've come up with so many ideas! Wouldn't it be great to see a fat guy wearing a shirt that just says, "Top of the food chain and proud of it"? Har har!! Well listen it was great to see you, have fun at the game. Hey let's get a quick picture together, we'll send it to the Sarge! Up yours Sarge! Har!

When Drinking Goes Awry

94
Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.

You start out the evening with all to familiar quotes like 'I'm going to get so fucking trashed' and 'I feel a good drunk coming on' but never do you expect to end the night in an ambulance. Face down in the bathroom maybe, but the use of surgical gloves and any kind of serious medical attention is generally off the list things that make a night fun. Then again it's difficult to make it through a serious session without at least one person involved ending up wounded whether it be the result of a self inflicted head wound from an unsuccessful bottle breaking attempts of a fist punched through a pane of glass. Things of this nature are not too far off the beaten path, but the deeper you go into a alcohol or drug induced stupor the more bizarre the results become. This is the realm I like to call the 'Mystery Wound Phase' because rarely are the incidents surrounding the bruises, gouges and internal injuries more than a faint, confusing blur. Ever wake up with a knee the size of a football, a new pair of jeans torn so extensively they look like shorts plus a few burns that look surprisingly similar to cigarette burns on your forehead? No? How about coming to behind a hedge with lacerated palms and a tire track across your chest? Nights like these are often followed by a few days of mild notoriety from 'friends' who were with you who describe your 'utter lack of fear' when attacking a moving vehicle with a flattened basketball or your 'complete disregard for personal safety' when juggling the broken-off necks of several bottles of hard liquor to the delight of the crowd. Entering this level of partying is not for the faint of heart and should not be taken lightly, but that being said it can yield many wonderful memories for others as well as plenty of interesting scars.

Do some like it TALL?

Do some like it TALL?
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Have you ever looked at a really tall couple and thought how awkward their sex must be? I guess that's why there's not a robust market in porn featuring really TALL chicks. Or is there any tall porn at all? Doing a search for "tall sex" or "tall porn" doesn't brings up a bunch of irrelevant pages. I'm not talking about porn featuring leggy blondes, I'm talking about porn with a six foot four inch behemoth having her way with some dude.

Is that why the WNBA hasn't attracted the same male crowd as women's tennis? There's plenty of TALL girls in pro basketball but I can't recall a Maxim spread with the NY Liberty's backup center in a thong.

So what about women's volleyball, you might ask? The beach volleyball gold medal women's team in last year's Olympics had tongues wagging and featured the thin, oh-so-TALL Kerri Walsh. But most of the perverts focused on her curvy partner and ignored the beanstalk Walsh.

I guess guys are just intimidated by super TALL chicks because they look kind of stupid standing next to one or having to turn their head upwards to get a kiss. But that's irrelevant in porn, and with many guys desiring to get dominated by women, why isn't there a market for watching super TALL chicks getting it on? Is watching midgets really that much better?

Damn it now I'm pissed off. Guys get off on everything under the sun, chicks with horses, chicks with no limbs, chicks getting eaten by zombies - is it really too much to ask for someone to get off on TALL sluts?

Tallwhores.com is still available, somebody better get this going soon.

He's Fat, He's Ugly, He's Duh Beast

Duh FAT Beast
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

I spend my Friday afternoons heading over to Google Images and entering in 'fat and ugly' just to see what's new in the world of fat and ugly shit. Today produced a wonderful new find on the indie music site CD Baby, http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/hevewae

From what I can tell this is a rapper named Hev-E-Wae Duh F.A.T. Beast. I'm not sure if that's what he puts on his tax returns but if it's a stage name, it seems a bit forced. So that got the "fat" part out of the equation, but what makes him ugly? As a person he may look a little confused and off-kilter but ugly isn't the first thing that entered my mind. Then I saw the description of his sound:

"It the beast, Raw-er then a baby fowl diaper, and ugly. It call RUFFCORE something you can party, smoke or fight to. Don't believe aiight bet."

When he says "baby fowl diaper" is he talking about a diaper for chicks (you know, poultry) like to keep a barnyard clean? More likely he didn't minor in spelling at Ruffcore U. But when you describe your music as something you can either party OR fight to, this shows his sound must have much to offer. So go pick up Duh F.A.T. Beast's new album, and if you're reading this Duh F.A.T. Beast, stay ugly and don't sell out and become an accountant or some shit.