It all began when bio-chemist Moller Beardsley overheard two young men arguing over the ‘gayness’ of one of the men’s t-shirts. “It’s got gay written all over it,” proclaimed one hip looking youth with spiky hair and dark worn out looking jeans. The other youth, a carbon copy of the first save the form fitting salmon colored t-shirt he wore seemed perplexed by the other’s accusations. “No way!” He cried, pointing to his garment proudly. “I’ve had this shirt since 8th grade!”
Beardsley, his interest piqued by the exchange, began a series of double-blind, placebo controlled experiments with hopes of once and for all proving homosexuality in inanimate object’s such as clothes, books, music CD’s and hair care products. ‘Gayness’ being rated on a generalized scale of 1 to 10 is assigned to those products that have the highest correlation to their proximity and influence over homosexual acts in humans within a fifteen foot radius. Conclusive findings show that an increased level of ‘gayness’ is found in items such as poly-silk blend fabrics, lotions containing flax seed oil, Susan Sarandon films and toilet paper.
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