Friday, June 10, 2005

Gubernatorial Hopeful Enjoys Sex; Handjob

Originally uploaded by drippingmullet.
In a move that stunned democratic rivals and raised more than a few questions as to his future as governor, Republican Timothy Kaine of Virginia, famous for the controversial ‘Poor Children Left Behind’ bill of 2002, used his recent town hall press conference at the Fairfax County Metal Shop Workers Convention to outline lurid sexual encounters with his wife, Judge Anne Holton.
“I guess I like blowjobs better than sex,” Kaine admonished into the microphone, scanning the crowd hopefully for laughter. “There’s no pressure on my part to perform.”
The crowd grew silent in shock, or perhaps even awe at Kaine’s candor, and the man vying for the top spot in the state took this as the green light to proceed.
“Last night Anne was washing up dishes, I had just been working on some paperwork in the home office, you know, and I started to feel a little… pent up.” He paused, staring at the podium for a moment, perhaps letting the scene play out once again in his mind. “I came up behind her, letting her feel my erection against her ass. She was still wearing this grey pants-suit she usually wears on Fridays. She sighed, trying to ham up how tired she was, probably wondering why we have yet to get a housemaid do things like dishes.” Kaine paused again to clear his throat. An aide near the podium pantomimed drinking water and Kaine shook his head firmly ‘no.’ “I spent about ten minutes trying to feel her up before I started to get really pissed off and went into the bedroom to watch some TV. Of course I’m hard-as-hell still and just grind it into the mattress while I flip through the channels looking for a beach scenario aerobics show or maybe even a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, hell even one of those stupid party line 1-900 commercials would be good. You know, the ones with the twenty year old models with hair down to their asses sitting around their bedrooms in cocktail dresses talking on the phone. Hot. Anyway ‘The Judge’ comes in, I always call Anne this when she’s not in the mood, which is pretty much all the fucking time now, so I switch to the game which doesn’t seem to show any promise either. She starts changing out of her pants suit, carefully in her closet so I won’t get the impression she’s interested in any way. ‘The kids aren’t home tonight,’ I say, pathetically still trying to get some. She sighs again and asks if I want to have sex. The fact that she asks means she does not and despite the giant blow to my self esteem for doing so, I say ‘sure.’ She sighs again and comes out naked so even the excitement of taking her clothes off myself is gone. She instructs me undress and I comply quietly, unceremoniously. We have sex for five minutes before she inexplicably rolls off and finishes me with her hand, never making eye contact or speaking a word. Then she went into the bathroom to wash up and I fell asleep. Pretty uneventful.”
This speech, while marking a definite turning point in the wanna-be governors race to the capitol, has caused major ripples in the political community. While some were angered at the explicit descriptions of sex used in the speech, an increasing number of proponents have begun to laud the man’s unabashed honesty.

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