Perhaps Number One Buttfucky? Perhaps?

3 Shot Sapporo? Buttfucky? Ramen Nool? Perhaps?

Now Lie On The Bed... And Close Your Eyes

As the silky drapes billow on the soft ocean breeze and the starlight glints off my chunky silver jewelry, you will know you are with a realman. Smell my hair oil and know this. Stroke my muscles under Egyptian cotton and know this. Run your tongue along my wispy chinstrap and know you are being bedded by a true specimen of man. You are safe with me. Go ahead and say that you feel that way. I already know you will because I am a muscular man with the powerful mane of a lion. When sex happens between us you will know you are with a man because of my penis. You will see it. I will show it to you between each sensual stroke of sexlove. I live in a palace of white resplendent with throw pillows upon which I will love you. In all ways will I let you enjoy my malebody. The strength of my malebody will be felt with each powerful hump. Nudity is my gift to you. Loose trousers of Egyptian cotton with flimsy drawstrings that barely contain my bloated manhood will fall to the Italian marble floor. Your eyes will fall to my sexwand. Your eyes will grow with fear and trepidation. My sexwand will grow with a lust for your innocence. Upon the exquisitely expensive flooring with you learn that woman is to be subjugated by someone possessing a malebody such as mine. I am buff. I am goodlooking. You are mine.

How About Twelve More Inches of CONE?

Haier 33inch tall Refridgerator - $70 (Rochester)

Nello i have a MINT 33inches high by 20x18 inches with freezer4 Shelves with crisper ]]]door has extra shelves too for pop 70.00 its exellent white color tim 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx


i Have Bird Houses - $20 (Rochester)
i Make bird houses 1 of a kind heres some pictures 20.00 each they are made out of tree bark too 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx



Drawer set 5 drawers mint shape - $105 (Rochester )
Hello i have a good set of drawers;;the first 2 of thenm are in half to put your socks in and other things and the 2ndone too is split now i got it you can put your stuff in one side then you have the other side too the 3 drawers left ars big its dark browm heavy too but exellent shape too 125.00 offer see it you will buy it i can haul it too but you need to help load it plus gas iam 18 miles from oly exit88 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx 47 hign[[ wide is30 on top and 17 for drawers[[

Fountain Indoor or out mint shape - $105 (Rochester)

FOuntain ;;;Pedistal/ bowl and angel figure heavy ///comes with pump hoses too its out side working too real nice come see it its niceeeeeeee and cool tim 360 858 xxxx call after ii0 clock in the morning 125.00 cash . ill send you a picture too offer 360 464 xxxx cell

50] HDTV 1080 DLP TV RCA BRAND - $850 (rochester)

this tv HDTV is 4 mts old bought during super bowl sunday selling it i got a lcd tv to hang on my wall still watching the tv havent put the other tv up yet need room must sell 850.00 offer you can see it with my cam too il;l get it to reach the tv or ill put it on with my camera phone and send you a pictext messeage tim 360 858 xxxxhome cell 360 464 xxxx tv sits on a stand too

El Chupacabra LIVES!

The funny thing is... I used to be called 'goat sucker' back in high school.

You May Kiss the Paunch

It was meticulously planned, down to the last detail. Every flower cut with care, every guest's program placed at a 90 degree angle on their chair, every strand of hair on the bride's head in place. But there were two large things their wedding planner didn't foresee.

The chaos theory is alive and well.

I Can Massage Vomit Right Out Of Your Fucking Skull

When I get bored, I like to watch videos of people vomiting. That's how I found this little gem. What I'd like to know is why the guy doing the puking gets first crack at the hose.

Tim Kaine Hopes VP Slot Will Score Him More Puss

With all these Tim Kaine-Obama VP selection rumors swirling, I'd just like to point our 3 readers to this scintillating Ancient Axe report about Kaine during his gubernatorial race in '05. Why the national news media never picked up on Kaine's brutal honesty about his sexual frustrations, I'll never know. But Obama should be worried about his own VP's inability to get laid by a middle-aged Judge.

Ted Danson Breathes Through His Hair

You heard it here first! This beauty has been sticking his big, stupid looking face all over TV for fucking years and no one ever noticed that his goddamn lungs are in his head. That might explain the massive forehead and elongated skull. But really, what is the story with Ted Danson anyway? He spends a decade playing the role of a studly bartender on Cheers. How is that even possible? Beats the shit out of me. Can you actually imaging being at a bar and someone like this is hanging out with his jacket collar popped and girls are just falling all over each other trying to get into his pants? How could anyone fail to notice that his forehead is so prominent his eyebrows almost touch his cheeks? Who in their right mind would think that sex with this guy would be something worth remembering? I can picture Ted Danson as being the first man to successfully play a comical serial rapist in a movie. His face alone would be worth an academy award. You doubt me? Just think of his eyes bulging out with lust and him yelling 'I'm Ted Fucking Danson!' over and over again into his victim's faces. I wish I had sheets with this fucking picture on it.

Mom... you can skip the sex talk. Okay?

Please Call After 11000

A new craigslist ad from our old friend TIM CONE! Check this one out, this guy is on crack I swear:

hello i have 4 P235/75R15 Kelly Safari Trex Tires on Jeep rims - $275
Hi have 4 Kelly Safari Trex Tires Agressive treadtoo mint shape its a Geep Cherrkie so you get tires and rims and lug bolts 800 miles on tires 275.00 opffer 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx call after 1100o clock in the morning you will but them


Okay so that's good, but what about this one. The features of his vehicle boggle the mind. I love how he bothers to point out that the 'pinstripping' on a 95 Ford Windstar van 'looks cool.' Fucking retard. Also appears that he discovered the semi-colon button and decided to put some brackets in for good measure:

Hello i have a red 95 Ford Windstar; 90000 miles on new engine] garaged all its life ;;; mint shape ;oil changed every 3000 miles new tires 350.00.2 weeks ago // new idler arm too 150.00 .. crack in wind shild rock chip fixed too .shines as it was brand new ..interior like new .console i center of seats too for your drinks and more ..have all receips dode to it ..1200.00 done to it too new sensors brakes fuel filter air cleaner too lots more you will see it and buy it too many cars 3700.00 offer it will last you for ever cruise ]air.. over drive auto,,new wiper blades rad done too tranmission too done fuel filter come see it 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx .tim pinstripping on it too looks cool

Don't Judge a Man by his Hilarious T-Shirt

This is an actual mug shot from our good friends at The Smoking Gun, and I felt it was my duty to share it with the world. Who the fuck looks at a T-shirt like that and thinks "Oooh! All my friends are going to be doubled over with laughter when they see this, especially when I wear it on the day we're going to rob that liquor store!" I'm sure the carefully manicured lip hair really intimidated his fellow inmates too.

What The Fuck Is This Shit?

Please explain to me how this video corresponds in any way to this gay ass song because I'd love to know. The Disney Channel meets Dreamevil? What's up with these fucking lyrics anyway? Unbreakable Chain sounds like some sort of theme song for the Special Olympics or a youth group sing-along. 'United we stand, divided we fall!' That's pretty deep. I find it surprising that Dreamevil decided to include a song like this on an album titled 'The Book of Heavy Metal' in the first place. As far as I know, metalheads are a fairly independent group and joining in an unbreakable chain seems to go against their very nature. Picture 15,000 sweaty, shirtless dudes standing in a line holding hands in defiance of all that oppose them. Doesn't seem likely does it? A more believable picture would have them hooking their wallet chains together. Or maybe braiding their hair into one long rope with their bodies hanging off of it like Christmas lights. On a side note, I don't know what this cartoon is but it fucking sucks. Whatever happened to You and Me Kid? Those where the days when the Disney Channel ruled the globe. I was about six or seven when I watched that show even though I hated it. Something about it always sucked me in. On one particular episode they panned across the audience and I noticed this little girl running around the aisle in a frantic circle in her excitement. I remember thinking at the time that her parents must hate her because she was so stupid and embarrassing. The truth is that my opinion on that one hasn't changed much over the years. That girl really was a fucking joke.

1962 Fallout Book From Goverment With Letter

This ad was posted on craigslist a few weeks back:

1962 fallout book from goverment with letter

hello i have a i have a letter about western electric about fallout protection and a departmentof defense book on building your shelter dated jan 1962 i know its old and mint shape found it in a tralier i bought make offer 360 858 xxxx home cel 360 464 xxxx ill show it on my web cam to you thanks tim

So I wrote him from an alternate email posing a girl (pictured below) who I named Kimmy Lee. What follows is what I feel to be one of the more interesting email exchanges in history. Keep in mind that I was also emailing him from several other accounts, as was my cousin, to create the illusion of a bidding war on the pamphlet. We ran the bidding up to around $18,000 between multiple invented personalities who failed again and again to cough up the money. One of my bidders claimed he was unable to meet to buy the book on the agreed upon date due to injuries suffered in a massive dogsledding accident. It was during this ordeal that he had been forced to eat his favorite dog in order to survive the three days stuck in a snowbank. That same bidder also could not use the telephone to work out the details of the purchase because the telephone was 'simply too large.' Whatever that means, it was accepted without comment...

Kimmy Lee wrote:

Can you send me some pics? I can't believe you have this for sale. I know it's not a great way for me to enter a bid but I really want this for my boyfriend. I can probably scrounge up like a grand if you can wait a couple days. I have to sell this stuff I have but will have cash maybe sunday or monday. I also my boyfriend has an old classic charger that has been about 95% restored that I think he would be willing to swap if the book is in good condition. Also, what does the letter say? Can you send pics? Please respond ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks- kimmy

Tim wrote back: this is karen do not scam us we are not dumdyou meet and look and buy bnot play games 4 scammers your the 5th iam sorry we have it all

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't understand what you're talking about. I'm not sure what you mean by a scam. How am I scamming you by being interested in what you're selling? I think you're probably fakes then. I've been busy at work and this is the first chance I get to check my email and I get three from you all angry. I never said you were dumd. If you still want to sell the book let me know. Otherwise forget it. I could go up to maybe 2000 cash if I get some time to sell the charger. If you're too impatient go ahead and sell it to someone else. Kimmy

Tim: hi0iam sorry but i was offered 16000.00 dollars from a gut if you want it offer me your price now

Kimmy Lee wrote:
My boyfriend just found this through a book dealer in vegas and said he's going to go ahead and buy it there. I'd still like to get it for him but he said the vegas dealer has it for pretty cheap. I might try to buy it as a surprise for his birthday then. What is the absolute lowest price you will accept for it? He's leaving tomorrow so please be honest because I don't have time to negotiate. Kimmy

Tim: now much money do you have

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money do I have? Are you on drugs or what? I simply asked how much you want for it. You said you were offered 16000 but it sounds like that didn't happen. Give me a number to work with or forget it!

Tim: hi this is karen tims fiase hes been thru hell every one wants the books or book but never has the money hes seen 2 people and they lied to us dsorry hes in a mad point now not trusting no 1 your ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
What happened when he saw those two people?

Tim: this is karen they lied and said they only had 2000.00 dollars when they said 6000.00 so it up to him now he wants 8000.00 and got offered 18000.00 from a guy from canada but they have it and he said do not sell it cheap its worth ehe price now its up to you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I put the charger up for sale but I doubt I'm going to get as much as you want. My boyfriend wont say how much the guy in vegas is asking so I don;t know if 18000 is too high. Thats an awful lot of money so I don't know. My boyfriend said he's going to throw in a porn movie of me to the guy in vegas so i think they worked out a deal or something. I'm pretty mad about that though. I need to think this over.

Tim: hi make a offer 10000.oo yu can have it ten thousand dollars ill take tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
No way. Maybe some porn instead?

Tim: ok monyt first

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money then if I give you a porn of me?

Tim: 8000.00no porm ill give him me this is karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Hi karen. Okay, my boyfriend said to offer the porn. He's really good at making deals. He left for vegas today to get the other book but I kind of hate him a little so I think I won't buy your book after all. He's such a jerk.I'm going to go see the movie Atonement today. Want to go?

Tim: no tims looking for a 3 some my 2 time but its been yrs

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? Well I think I'm pretty cute. What do u think. Is tim? I'll send a picture. I'm asian.

Tim: tims cute too long curly hair med and me 38 c 120 pds nice butt i have too and tim got a nice cock send pictures karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I thought I sent it last time. I'll try again. It might be attached up at the top under the subject line. Can I see you too?

Tim: yout lovely tims says wow he says hes single iam his x wife too but we live not together tims been married 5 times too but a good man ill send a picture of him hes hot very good lover not 5 min but hrs of love making hes got a heart of love

Kimmy Lee wrote:
=) I like! He looks like a real man. Can I see Karen too? This is getting me excited!

Tim: call tim 360 464 xxxx i have no pictures he will tell you about me

Kimmy Lee wrote:

I'm pretty shy to call you. Sorry. This makes me blush! I don't have camera otherwise I'd send more pics. HOtter too. Sorry.

Tim: ok can i call you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Call me what?

Tim: on the phone i like asia ladies ill date 1 but dont know any to date your lovely too tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Do you want to date me from behind? =)

Tim: i cant date you if you have a boyfriend dont want to get you in trouble either are you free to date me its tim talking to you iam single too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
yes. i dumped my boyfriend last night. I want to try anal.

Tim: do you live alone we want no trouble from your x boyfriend

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Don't worry about him. I have my own place. Anal?

Tim: karen and i would love to kiss your body all over and make you climax if not ill come and she can watch us make love your ass would be mint and pussy too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have never been with senior citizen before. My dad wants me to marry old man because they are stable. Are you stable with job?

Tim: iam retired with income i live in a new house 3b 2 bath new 07 dodge magumn but i want a lady to love me for me iam not poor but live ok iam not a old man either i act like a kid you seen my pictures ill send 1 to yoiu if we meet and no trouble from your x boyfriend ill meet you i dont drink or smoke call me ok 360 858 xxxx sounds like your dad is right a stable man is good but a younger man is good too if hes stable

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have a very hairy ass.

Tim: for a lady ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? I want man who likes my ass with all the hair. Makes wiping tough though to get clean!

Tim: are you for real you wont call iam not sure now tim and karen shes here too saying tim your getting played

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Played? I told you im too shy to call. You're trying to pressure me too hard. All I wanted was to see atonement with karen and she said something about a three way out of nowhere. I was getting hot talking dirty but if you dont want to then forget it.

Tim: i like it too lol your cool but we dont get no where we can talk on the phone too i have a web cam karen left good lol i like you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
is karen ugly?

Tim: well no not in my eyes shes has tumors on her body but onlty one eye since baby hood she got a good personalitiy you will like her she likes to fuck and has a nice ass to hairy too lol but i cant get it up with her i was married to her but divorced she wants me to find a good lady and me a man for her you turn me on

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So she has hairy butt and one eye? Is her eye brown?

Tim: no blue she dresses nice too small 38c tits nice butt i lick it too sexy too blonde with strecks in her hair shes a lot of fun but my x wife ok going to bed night i want to meet you too where do you work

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't work. I go to high school still.

Tim: well your too young bye

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Okay fine. Forget the anal. I'll give you 14,500 for the books but I want the letter in a gold box

Tim: i want thesex too i cant put it in a gold box thats moneyyou have to tell some jewerly

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Why do you always respond like two or three times to each email? Why not just figure out what you want to say and get it all out in one? Kinda wierds me out you know? So to answer your questions, what does it matter how old I amor where I get my money? Doesn't seem very relevant. As far as the box goes, it needs to be fourteen by twelve inches long and six inches tall made of white oak and inlaid with my name in gold in old style lettering. The interior of the boxshould be rich red velvet with cutouts for the books. The letter needs to be set into the lid of the box beneath a crystal lens. This isn't too much to ask for $14,500. I need some give and take on this.

Tim: do you want to meet for coffee are you in college and do you want the book its going to end soon iam selling it to calif people then

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I'm starting to get the vibe that you are a fucking retard. I said I was in high school, so I'm probably not also in college. You ask if I want the book and in the same sentence tell me that you are selling it to someone in California. What the hell is the matter with you anyway? If you can get more money than 14,500 I already offered then fucking do it and quit emailing me. I will only buy the book if you provide the box, so if you can't handle that then good luck. No I don't want to meet you for coffee because you made fun of my hairy butthole. Kimmy

Tim: if you want it we meet at the police station here in centralia karen 14000.00 last deal

**About two weeks pass and I get around to emailing them back after I think they've started to sweat as no one is making any offers anymore.

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Anyone make any offers yet? You starting to rethink the box? Kimmy

Tim: you need to call me to talk on the offer no box you can do it your way on the box 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx if you wanted the item its what people do not talk on here so call me you would call

About an hour later Tim wrote again: ill sell it to what price and cash ;are you back with your boyfriend - make offer the box i have to ch on itif you got the money you got it karen says no box its yours to buy but we are not a boz ervice

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So does that mean you'll provide the box?

Tim: guess i can do it now tell me the size

Oh God! I'm So Fucking SWEATY!

Yeah sure, there's a consoling hand on my shoulder, but that doesn't help the fact that I am just dripping with sweat over every inch of my tan, hot body. No matter what I do I end up all sweaty like this and my clothes soak through from all of my hot sweaty sweat that oozes out of my pores that are located all over my sweaty body. My hair gets stringy from the dripping sweat and it clings to my scalp like a dead animal skin but its actually just real sweaty and not dead like it looks. Whenever I get like this dudes come up and try to comfort me and they sometimes even try to listen to my heart with their cellphones pushed against my sweat soaked and tan stomach area. The problem with being this sweaty is how totally lubricated my skin is all the time. My shirts just slip off and land behind me on railings for me to lean against, which I guess isn't all bad. Also the girls like the sweat because so much of it comes off me during the sex they think they're getting a free salty shower that stinks a little but when they realize its just my body sweating so much all over them they usually finish really quick. That's pretty hot too, which makes me even hotter and sweatier than anyone could even imagine. Just picture someone so hot and sweaty that you just start to sweat looking at them. That's knowing me. I start big sweaty moshpits of hot bodies sweating on each other with a cloud of stink that's kind of like being at a heavy metal concert because of the B.O. except there's more girls near me.

You can take Santa out of the Ghetto, but you can't take the Ghetto out of Santa

Santa's got a fat setup in the North Pole with all those midget slaves and electronics and shit, but it wasn't always like that. Santa actually grew up in the Coney Island area of Brooklyn and got his first big break shooting hoops in the rough-and-tumble Carey Gardens housing project. St. Nick's skills on the playground earned him the respect to get out of the gang life that engrossed so many of his peers, but the experience scarred his fragile mind. Beneath his outwardly jolly demeanor, a hard understanding of the ugliness of man exists.

A young Santa quickly learned the hardships of life in Coney Island

Obviously Santa has since moved on to a better place up North, but legend has it in Carey Gardens that Santa still maintains an apartment in the building, and through extensive philandering has fathered a large proportion of its residents.

Think this is a joke, do you? Why is it that you never hear poems about Santa as a young man? Ever consider that, smartass?

Nice To Mole You!

This beauty was spotted from about two hundred yards away outside the Tower of London. I asked this woman her name and she said she was Moley Russel's wart. I agree. I gave her a can of Barbasol and three razors from my bag to take the goatee off of it. Needless to say, she was grateful.

Someone Lose A Bet?

How in the hell does something like this happen? It can't be only the tattoo artists fault because they always stencil tattoos on and show you before they do it. So that means two of the stupidest people on Earth came into contact for one amazing moment in time and the results of this meeting can be enjoyed forever! This is the type of tattoo that should have been carved through the flesh and onto his bones, so archaeologists in the future can ponder its meaning. They might have a little trouble with the 'w' because it looks like an 'm.' They will wonder why someone would be so proud of being amsome that they would tattoo it right on their back. Amsome... hmmmm... what could that mean? As a side note, they didn't even make it level and what's with the huge space between the words. I think I could fix this tattoo though. I'd throw an 'r' into that big space making it Ramsome. Then change my last name to Ramsome so everyone is like 'whoa man! You love your name!' Or if you don't like that, you could also throw a 'j' in front of the 'I'm' and blend in the apostrophe so it says Jim Ramsome. You could then tell people he was a dude you were friends with in 8th grade who was really fucking rad so you wanted everyone to know you used to be friends.

Find the Four Beautiful Things in this Photo!

Okay, I'll give you a hint!

There are...
Two (2) hot chicks
and
Two (2) hot testicles!

Why beat around the BUSH about it! HA HA HA HA! Two hot fucking NUTZ! As a side note, does anyone else hate the t-shirt over a long sleeve t-shirt look? Kyle Belton eat your heart out! Also, what's with the pictures on the wall with the kids holding their hands together in prayer? It's like their parents put them up think 'Yes! These will make our ugly, shithead kids seem like little angels!' If they only knew their kids were pulling their genitals out to ruin photographs at keg parties. As a teenage guy I never had a girl 'ruin' one of the pictures I was taking friends by secretly exposing her vagina, but I guess I was lucky and none of my pictures were ever spoiled. Thank GOD for that. I'm going to go curl up to a good Emma Watson movie and cry while thinking about how fucking lucky I am.

Seattle Man Discovers New 'Relaxed' Jogging

Are you bothered by the prospect of going jogging and having some passerby confuse you with someone who needs to be somewhere in a hurry? For those of you who said yes, there is an answer to this often mortifying dilemma. You simply need to slip your hands into the front pockets of your pants while your running, that way no one in their right might would mistake you for someone who has somewhere to be. The man shown above was ever so casually running at full speed along the shore at Lincoln Park in Seattle, serenely cruising with nowhere to go and not a care in the world. Even when he tripped over his own feet and nearly fell face first into the pavement, he looked calm and relaxed, never removing his hands from the comfortable confines of his pants. The man was a vision of someone enjoying a lazy sprint at the beach. Learn from him and maybe you could shed a few pounds without really caring about it much.

Overdose

I was in Albuquerque at this bar with a couple girls when one of them left for the bathroom. She was gone for about forty five seconds before returning to the pool table all flushed looking. She immediately told us that she just took a 'speed shit' because she didn't want us to know that she was taking a dump but decided to tell us about it anyway because she was able to pull it off so smoothly. This made me realize that there were some things about girls in high school that weren't so bad after all. I realize this story has nothing to do with this picture.

Is Your Shirt Tucked In? Mine is.

My shirt is tucked crisply into my waistband, accentuating my shoulder/waist ratio to attract females. I will mate with them when they draw close because I am a masculine man. I am all male, wholly sexual. With hands on hips I will insemiate women across this great nation. I am a specimen of masculine perfection. Tuck those shirts in boys, and lets just see how you measure up. Come on... I waiting, with my hands on my hips. Waiting.

The Nicest El Camino In Existence

Yes, that is an El Camino sporting Louis Vuitton flash. Yes, that is a proud black man standing tall. Yes, that is a trailer park in the background. The question that remains in my mind is, who the fuck is supposed to be impressed by this photo? Anyone posing like this guy is obviously thinking he's pretty fucking awesome. The way the car is parked with a nice watery backdrop leads me to believe he was trying to set this shot up for a while, and he may have even driven to this location with the sole purpose of taking this picture. How long has it been since El Camino's made the list of vehicles never to be driven by non-mexicans? Was it ever not on that list? Fuck that stupid car. This guy is going to be pissed when he gets out of jail and finds out his El got repo'd and some lawn care specialist has put glitter paint over the Vuitton. No big loss though, with his recording contract he can buy a fleet of 1984 El Camino's to replace it. Fuck Death Row, fuck Dre... etc. etc.

America's Top Model

Some kids have negative body issues. Some kids should.

So Many Questions Go Unanswered

Chuck Norris has been in more than his fare share of bad movies, but even he had to know that when he paired up with a shaggy dog he might be scraping the bottom of the barrel for film roles. Of course, bottom is a relative term. Chuck has his beard, an info-mercial where he doesn't even have to wear sleeves, as well as the ability to do spin kicks in wranglers, but when did he decide it would be okay for a martial arts legend to hold hands with a police dog for a promotional photo? What police department uses shaggy dogs anyway? What kind of criminal would be scared of that stupid dog? Doesn't everyone know that dogs like that get ear infections all the time and their heads start to rot so you have to put them to sleep? Why does the dog's badge have his fucking picture on it? Is that in case someone who thinks the dog might be impersonating an officer can be reassured? Why is Chuck's hair so fucking teased? Since this movie (Top Dog for anyone out there who might want to rent it) came out in 1995, didn't anyone on the set notice that he has a goddamn mullet and even then they weren't cool? How come he had enough chest hair in 1972 that Bruce Lee could rip it out by the fistful but in 2007 he is smooth as a baby's bottom? Did they think no one would notice that this movie is a horrific attempt at outdoing K-9, starring Jim Belushi, which is a much better movie except that scene where Belushi gets out of bed in his underwear? The worst thing about this movie is the fact that someone out there owns it on DVD and actually watches it. People like that are not sent to camps for re-education and I just don't think I can take it anymore. Why the fuck doesn't Canada open up a gulag that we could send these people to? Jesus, it's not like they're doing anything useful with all that land. Why not a nice string of work camps? I know about a thousand people I think should learn what the crack of the Commandant's whip sounds like.

He Who Dwells In Darkness...

You thought you could trust him. You thought you were his friend. You were mistaken, for he is the one who moves behind the shadows and sleeps in the Devil's den. With a black heart and eyes filled with hate, he watched you slumber with the hammer of death poised to strike. He did not see you as his victim, to him you were nothing, just another sacrifice. As you enter the realm of destruction to understand his world and after your sanity has been shattered to dust, you will know what it is to be Todd Hoke of Bakersfield, California.

Gunt, It's What's For Dinner!

You ever get a craving for some meat and a fat juicy steak just won't cut it? If that's the case, you need to dig into a big pile of gunt. For those of you who don't know what gunt is, you find it immediately below the belly button and directly above the axe-wound of morbidly obese female slam pigs (women.) It's that soft fleshy pouch of joy that bubbles out like a hot air balloon below the beltline. Though the collection of this succulent meat has been banned in most nations, some areas of the United States' deep south still harvest this delicacy and supply it to upscale restaurants around the globe. The trick to harvesting gunt is to find specimens who do not have abscesses of the skin or adult-onset diabetes, both of which are rampant problems with this particular breed of animal. Once the target has been acquired and detained with padded harnesses to avoid bruising the soft flesh, a harvesting team will be dispatched by helicopter to excise the meat. The slam pig is then released back into the wilds of their trailer park to smoke and drink malt liquor.

Ahhh shit I'm fucked now

Goddamn it, why did I have to go out and rape some bitches when I'm a fucking newscaster!?! I knew that shit would catch up to me but I just couldn't bring myself to sell the windowless van! Why can't I be a newscaster and a serial rapist and have people leave me the fuck alone?!? I just want to read the news! I just want to rape some sluts! I want to live my life!!!!! Why???

I'll Take A Handjob Over Here!

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Honkin' On Bobo

Fuck Aerosmith.
Fuck Steven Tyler.
Fuck Joe Perry.
Fuck the other guys in the band whose names no one knows.
Fuck their stupid fucking music.
Fuck every dumb album they've made, especially Honkin' On Bobo.
Fuck whoever came up with Honkin' On Bobo.
Fuck anyone who actually likes Aerosmith's shitty music.
Fuck Ragdoll.
Fuck Amazing.
Fuck Crying.
Fuck scarves.
Fuck big lips on a lead singer.
Fuck the radio stations that still play Aerosmith all the fucking time.
Fuck Steven Tyler's stupid daughter.
Fuck her for speaking Elvish.
Fuck the movie Be Cool because Steven Tyler is in it, plus it's a dumb movie.
Fuck the fact that Steven Tyler is alive and Steve McQueen is dead.

Yeah, I Can Reproduce

You might be sitting there, wondering to yourself whether or not I possess the ability to pass on these genes god blessed me with. Well, I'm here to tell you that I can. Right between these slender thighs is about three pounds of swinging meat, just aching for the chance to repopulate the globe in the event of a nuclear holocaust or some kind of wierd virus that wipes out all the healthy males but me. I can impregnant females until I die. Nature made me that way. Why? Because men, like myself, need to be able to spread their seed. It gives us the ability to select suitable females into a herd, or pack if you will, from which we can choose our nightly bedmates. I usually choose two at a time because this doubles my chances at having many, many, many, many children. Sons hopefully! Being a bold alpha male, I am forced to dominate those around me. As a result the females are drawn to both my masculine strength and my musk. It is sometimes necessary for me to drive off young males who would like to steal females from my pack. This is normal and usually occurs around spring break. The females go into a sex crazed frenzy when I return to the pack, dripping with the blood and sweat of my foe, my chest heaving with lust. I have a penis and it was made to impregnate females. Who am I to withstand the force of nature within my loins?

I just found my dream job

Toss my what?
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

After ten years in a maximum security prison, I was worried that my experiences inside wouldn't give me proper training for the real world. After passing by my local deli, however, I see that I was sorely mistaken. You've gotta respect a deli owner who advertises their personal needs so publicly, and it amazes me that our society has progressed to the point where a request for a professional salad tosser can be made in a shop window on Main Street USA, instead of the back pages of Juggz Magazine.

I think I'll go for the part-time gig...40 hours of tossing salad each week seems a bit much.

Here Comes The BOOM!

I said...
Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, here comes the boys from the South.
Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, How you like me now?

Gilbert Blythe Took A Shit In This Hat

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You Wanna Die?

Anyone out there got a death wish? Huh? You looking at this fucking color guard? You better not be unless you want to get stabbed with one of this swords or take a nice rifle butt to the skull. You take a butt-strike to the chin and you are going to be knocked the fuck out, it doesn't matter if the gun is yellow and made of plastic, these individuals wield it like it's the real thing. See those swords? They aren't sharp and they have plastic knobs on the end but they can still carve your still-beating heart right out of your cowardly chest. You know, if it comes to that. Being in a color guard isn't just about twirling shit around, it's about maintaining some ground and fighting to the death to protect it. Even if it is just a twelve square-foot section of basketball court near the free throw line. The color guard has the duty and the priviledge to be a force of power and prestige within an academic institution, and they alone have the cajones to repel attacks from rebel forces. You might ask where the color guard was at Columbine, and that would be a fair question, but no... fuck you! That color guard was out on the track practicing one arm take-downs and shoulder rolls. They were blasting Metallica's One so fucking loud they couldn't hear the gunfire. If they had, that day would have ended very differently. The trench coat mafia would have themselves the victims of a fullisade of vicious butt-strikes and twirling streamers, all delivered with the precision and grace which are the trademarks of a high school color guard. I hope for your sake that you never make the mistake of referring to a color guard team a 'dance team.' They are para-military squads that move under the clever guise of unoffending synchronized dancers. What better way to infiltrate, assess and eliminate?