The greatest news story to hit newstands this century has just been released. Christopher Walken will be running for president in 2008. With Walken at the helm America will officially become the creepiest nation on Earth. Delivering speeches peppered with quotes such as "I'm an angel. I kill firstborns while their mamas watch. I turn cities into salt. I even, when I feel like it, rip the souls from little girls, and from now till kingdom come, the only thing you can count on in your existence is never understanding why" how can he possibly lose? Someday he will walk into the oval office and mention that he feels like a little boy who's lost his first tooth, put it under his pillow, waiting for the tooth-fairy to come. This comment alone would clear up all sorts of political issues currently under debate. Education reform would be solved by him simply saying 'study your math, kids. Key to the Universe.' He'd dress down subordinates with snide remarks such as 'you'd need three promotions to be an asshole.' Then to mix things up he might be convinced to perform a spontaneous jazz dance routine to enliven meetings with foreign leaders.
Walken on religion: "Bless me"? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me? God's been a real sport to me!"
Walken on sex: "Your house is burning! There's still time!"
Walken on marriage: "You've broken my mind."
Walken on the Taliban: "There's a small step from prophet to martyr. Can you take it?"
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President Walken would have said about Saddam Hussein:
"I feel like a child who is waiting for the tooth fairy, yet she never comes"
Or
"In order to get Saddam, we're gonna need that cowbell!"
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