Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Beards, Jesus and Full Extension Pushups


There are a few things that need to be said about beards before any real attention should be paid to the man in the photo. First, it is important to realize that beards are effective disguises for those whose identities need protection. A dense copse of hair shielding the lower half of one's face is the best way to avoid being notice by authorities if under active pursuit, though once your identity is discovered it will be necessary to remove the beard because it does make one stand out in a crowd, especially if the beard is exceptionally long or lusterous. Secondly, a beard can be an attractive addition to a man's face if well groomed and if the growth is sufficiently thick to provide a full masculine coverage of hair. Thin, wispy beards that grow in mosaic patches are never found appealing by anyone except by cripples who have had their eyes poked out (they are out there, take a look for yourself.) The last thing that needs to be mentioned about beards is that if you are a homely person to begin with, a beard will only mask half of your ugliness, which, as we all know, is never enough. In reference to the man in the photo, it is not incredibly difficult to surmise the reasons behind the incredibly long, bi-colored mat of hair growing beneath his eyes; he is Jesus and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. If you are a religious person you know deep within yourself that you are peering into the haunted eyes of a man who has been reborn, yet again, into a world of ugliness and torment. He is said to have already died once for our sins, and being drug back down to Earth to see just how massively his efforts were misinterpreted has got to go a long way towards wrecking the guy's day. It is interesting that those who are devoted Christians envision Jesus as a beautiful man with radiant skin and hair, a set of square edged, pearly white teeth and a persistent glow of golden light around his head. I think common sense can dispell a majority of this as the over excited fantasies of his followers because it would have been difficult to find a single person walking around at that time with any one of these attributes let alone all of them rolled into one lucky person. Of course, the argument could be made that he was the son of God and therefore endowed with physical attributes that other men of that time did not possess. Taking that viewpoint as reality is it excessive to postulate that Jesus was incredibly fast as well? Was he capable of breaking the four minute mile mark almost twenty centuries before it would be done by a mere mortal man? Could he do the splits all the way to the ground without cheating? What about pullups? Even a handful of decent pullups is a challenge for an average man, but could he do twenty? Thirty? Forty? Of course, there is no way we could ever know, that is, unless we put the man in the photo to the test. If he really is Christ reborn then he should be able to do at least... two hundred pushups in five minutes. It seems a little uncouth to stand over the savior with a stopwatch and count out full extention, chest-to-the-ground pushups, docking him for each miss, but we have to be sure don't we? Isn't the future of mankind at stake? It would be pretty embarrassing to find out the living god we put at the helm is just Denny Maxwell of Gunnison, Colorado, a junior college drop out who liked to smell the purple magic marker in art class. Someone would be in deep shit if that went down. It is difficult to say how the subject of this article made its way to the present topic... but hey! Look at that guy's beard!

2 comments:

Malissa said...

Damn you're ugly!!!!

Buff Tan Honky said...

The pot and the fucking kettle my friend...