Tuesday, August 01, 2006

In Case You’re Wondering, These Legs Go All The Way Up

I’ve been told that these stems are worth their weight in gold and I tend to agree. Even though they have been carrying me around since the day I first dropped even I recognize just how bitchin’ they really are. My legs are not unlike my ass; perfect and full of wonder. Men have been worshiping this particular piece since I can remember and my memory goes back a long way. I got my first mini skirt about the time Kennedy got popped and I have been wrapping my ass in eight inches of fabric ever since. The boots only accentuate my legs and being called ‘fuck-me boots’ doesn’t hurt either. I do have to point out one drawback to wearing knee high fuck-me’s: they cover up my absolutely delicious calves, which is a loss. That much divine flesh, even covered by sexy boots, is a tragedy of almost epic proportions. There is currently a bill being passed through congress which, if passed, will force 7-Eleven to allow me to enter their store without shoes or shirt because I am so fucking hot. Two congressmen bought my used underwear from my online store. I also have half-smoked cigs and dirty socks available for those interested. On a more serious note I have to announce that I will no longer be performing the bathroom segment of my live webcasts despite their wild popularity. If you’d like to know why, you should call up Jim Krupa of the Office of Health and Human Services and ask him. Instead I have worked out a new bit where I strip down to the boots and dump a bottle of extra-virgin olive oil over my body. I then drop into the full splits, letting the boot heels scrape across the hardwood until my groin area smacks the ground. This makes a sound like a toilet plunger being sloshed into a loaded toilet bowl, which should make some of you happy. If the sound doesn’t get you, the visuals definitely will, because nothing makes a man stand at attention like a hot bitch covered in oil with her thighs wrenched so far apart the tendons in her hips groan like green tree boughs about to snap. It’s these extra’s that makes me so popular, I’m convinced of it. I just don’t think the young women of today know the value of a little self-degradation for the satisfaction of a man. They will learn though, when the men all come to women like me and those perky little asses are left high and dry. There’s a reason I wear this skirt, you know. My scent attracts young bucks like clover to a honey bee.

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