Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Snowbear Looking For Snowcat


Snowbear is a man who knows what he's after. He also knows how to get it. Women with 'compact asses' and 'legs like a dancers' are his cup of tea and he scours the personal ads in search for these things. When he finds a likely candidate he fires them a brief email, something like 'This outdoorsy exercise-nut thinks you look mighty fine with that 'compact ass' and those 'legs like a dancers.' Coffee?' Something as simple as this baited with just the perfect photo has kept a smile on Snowbears bearded face. The photo, depicting Snowbear in his natural habitat of course, shows the sinewy frame of an athletically-toned gentleman reclining against the fallen stump of a tree. Clad in tight fitting jeans and a sleeveless, unbuttoned flannel vest, Snowbear seems at ease in his forest surroundings, almost blending in with the lush vegitation around him. On his feet he bears the traditional skins of the low woodland native, a pair of sleek, white sneakers complete with agressively treaded, basketball court marking, black soles. Women swoon at the sight of the man's toned muscles and bulging groin area as both promise hours of sensual pleasure. The real kicker, however, is the foot-long, snow white, Santa Clause beard that masks Snowbear's weak chin. Women dream of Snowbear running this beard across their naked breasts, the tantalizing softness only eclipsed by the tender kisses of the mouth hidden within. Snowbear is a powerful sexual being, so tread lighty when you find yourself in his neck of the woods.

Thank Heaven For Little Girls


Why does Vladimir Nabokov hold exclusive rights to the underage babe market? Because he's Russian and it is expected of the guy. It's no big shock when a chain smoking, low forehead Slav points to a twelve year old girl and descibes her as the 'fire of his loins' as Nabokov did in his controversial novel Lolita. Everywhere but in the United States and Canada it is completely acceptable to openly gape at the tan legs of a 4th grader. When will society learn that this is healthy and completely natural? There is nothing wrong with an old man's too-long hug or a more than friendly pat on the back that trails down across the top of the buttocks at the very last moment that might seem accident but is absolutely not. This is how old, weather beaten men show their affections! For this, they are treated as criminals and locked away, candy clenched in their arthritis crippled hands. Hands, that crave the delicate, tickling wonder of a child's damp hair, fresh from the plastic front yard pool he pulled them kicking and screaming from. Let them out of their unjust confinement and open your hearts to them. They will give more Granfatherly knee-rides than you could shake a stick at, all for the love of hot, hot underage babes. But not little boys though, they are awkward and they smell wierd most of the time.

Friday, March 10, 2006

These Are John's Nuts and Butthole



Meet John. John has a nice set of balls on him and his asshole is pretty great too. I didn't know that when I first met the guy but I sure know that now. Boy do I ever. As a guy who enjoys fishing, you'd think a fishing trip with a couple of fellow fishing enthusiasts would be a great way to spend a weekend. You know, drink a few beers, have a few laughs, tell some amusing stories, even make a reasonable effort to catch some of the elusive walleyes plying the waters beneath the epic Grand Coulee dam. That's what you'd think. But that's not what happened. After a frigid night spent on a gravel penninsula where there was constant bitching and not much in the way of bites from fish I woke up in a stiflingly hot motel room in Coulee City to the site you see in the photo. Nuts pulled tight between the legs so each precious egg of life was standing out in stark relief, spread ass with hemorrhoids puckering the sweet, sweet anus, it was almost too much to take. Starting to draw in a deep breath I was stopped cold by a long, soothing fart sputtering out of John's ruined backside. Fighting back the bile rising in my throat I did the only thing a normal person would do in that situation; I snapped a picture so I could enjoy that moment forever. Now you can too. Unfortunately you won't be able to experience the unbearable heat of the room, or the wierd odor, but feast your eyes for a while. I know I did.

Meet My Friend Ralph

Ralph is awesome. Ralph can drink. Ralph ralphs too, usually on the bar, but not always. There was this one time he ralphed all over a display of organic coffee at Starbucks. We did a few shots at Applebees and went over there to get an ice green tea frappe and the guy just lost it on a cardboard cutout of a Guatemalan coffee grower who was smiling and trying to look like he wasn't being exploited. The puke hit that farmers face like a bowl of clam chowder that was sitting in the sun all afternoon. It wasn't cold in that Starbucks but I swear to you that STEAM was wafting off that spray of potato skins and Makers Mark. One of the girls behind the counter dumped a big foamy mug of hot milk all over her chest and this guy in a Bass Hunter hat said he was going to jack off to that in his truck on the way home. It was pretty sweet even though I never got that frappe.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

You Got To Get Dressed Up To Go Out



When I go out, I get dressed to the "nines." Of course, there are a few rules when hitting a nightspot like Applebees or The Iron Horse. Your shirt must be crisp, clean, black and tucked in firmly so that no material 'billows' about the waist. Because the shirt is tucked in there must be a belt. Leather is always preferred but not required. If you have a cell phone and your pants are too tight, an unsightly bulge in the pants should always be avoided (unless it's front and center) so a holster must be used. Clipping a cell phone holster the the belt is very stylish and as with the belt, leather material is preferred but not required. You must use a wallet chain to hold the wallet in place and be sure to use the long, check book style wallet. The long wallet gives the impression of extreme wealth. Since that front pocket can't sit empty, it is the perfect place to insert the pocket knife with the metal clip sticking out. The benefits of this are twofold; the knife is handy in the event of a fight and it shows anyone nearby that you have a knife at their disposal in case they need to cut open an envelope or trim a hangnail. All that's left to do is purchase a pair of white, high-top sneakers and grow a nice flowing Kentucky Waterfall to dust your shoulders.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Finally Some Jeans That Won't Bind My Legs!



I was searching high and low for pants like these. Sharply designed, rakishly styled and crafted from the finest unprocessed denim to be found in all of Pakistan, these jeans are the hottest thing on the market right now. The ability to achieve the splits in a pair of skin tight jeans has been one of the most sought after elements of denim wear since the invention of karate. I love these jeans because it was in a pair of these that Ralph Macchio beat the intense asian guy in Karate Kid II. I want that intensity. I want that flexibility. I want the chance to do a full cresent kick in a pair of snakeskin boots and be able to return to a fighting stance without my jeans binding to my well-developed quadriceps muscles. Now Chuck Norris has an answer for my craving; the Chuck Norris Action Jeans! I cried myself to sleep the night I found out these had hit the market. I'm selling it all. I don't need much anymore other than these hot looking pants.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Historians Poring Over Karl Marx's Blog


Prolific blogger
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Hailed as the most influential socialist thinker of the 19th Century, historians were stunned to learn that Karl Marx also maintained a popular blog called "Bearded Wisdom" that poked fun at topical issues such as the American Civil War and the potato famine.

It's still unclear if Marx started blogging because he became famous, or if the blog was in fact the catalyst to that fame. Marx certainly seemed more combative than in his later writings - his repeated challenges to kick Cornelius Vanderbilt's ass apparently went unanswered. Overall the writing is sloppy and Marx seems more interested in getting laid than projecting socialist ideals. This, along with vague references to a "cross country team," leads Dr. Carl Compactus of Carnegie Mellon University to theorize that Marx maintained the blog during high school.

The blog comes on top of last year's surprise discovery of videotapes chronicling the first season of Marx's unpopular reality show, "Arbeiterherausforderung Deutschland Rußland," or "Germany-Mother Russia Worker Challenge 1879."

Do These Eyebrows Look Like They Take Any Shit?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I'm Pretty Sure the Childlike Empress' Name is Darren


Darren!
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
It's not the most beautiful name ever, and you'd think a little boy as equally creative and insane as Bastian could do better, but it's become clear that the Childlike Empress had to live out the rest of her life with people calling her Darren. It beats having The Nothing eat you I guess, but any girl named Darren is going to have problems finding a man who wants her for anything other than her childlike body.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Give Me A Fucking Second Chance, Motherfucker





















Listen fucker, I've turned over a new fucking leaf, got it? I need a motherfucking job, right the fuck right now. I got some fucking kids to support and I'm like 20 million years behind in child support because of this two year bit I did at Chino. The shit wasn't even my fucking fault either, so what the fuck? Skills? Yo, I got some fucking skills. I can shank a nigga right under the screw's fucking noses, I can do like 600 pushups without breaking a fucking sweat and I can mad dog like no one you fucking know. Don't worry about my fucking felony record because that shit is a fucking lie. I did way more shit than that I never got caught for. So don't worry about me. I'll do a great fucking job as long as you don't fucking boss me around too fucking much. I don't go for that house bitch shit. Fuck that. I might show up on time if I feel like it. Yeah fucking right.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Laura Is Still Silent, Pointless And Drinking




Nothing new in the life of Laura. She is still keeping quiet, thinking about herself and her pointless feelings. No one is really interested. There won't be any further updates about Laura unless she dies or becomes less tan. Neither of which will happen anytime soon unfortunately.

Brokeback Mountain Jokes Wearing Thin With Some, Not So With Others



It started with Brokeback Mountain, which was quickly followed with Brokeback Goldmine, Brokeback Rowboat, Brokeback Picnic Table, Brokeback Truck Canopy, Brokeback Men's Room, Brokeback Fishing Hole, and Brokeback Campground. While some are still amused by the constant barrage of Brokeback (fill in the blank) jokes, others think the already thinly amusing premise of gay sex on the open range has run its duration. Kind comments such as "okay, now" and "that's enough," haven't seemed to discourage the onslaught. Try to find a restroom without a Brokeback Urinal or Brokeback Handicap Stall reference written in Magic Marker its walls. You can't. Spend fifteen minutes in a sporting goods store and your ears will be filled with constant Brokeback Coleman Stove and Brokeback Ski Pole comments made by customers and sales associates alike. Talking about cowboys having sex has taken the nation by storm and the free reference to a film depicting harsh, dry, and dusty anal sex on a hand tooled leather saddle with silver engraved pommel has offended more than a few conservatives. Tattoos have appeared in the gay community with phrases such as 'Let's go Brokeback' and 'Brokeback Only' written across biceps and buttcheeks. There's no telling how far this phenomena will go, but to those of us who have no intention of ever seeing any such film, there's plenty of time to speculate and fantasize about just how wonderful the movie really is.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Man With Upset Stomach Covering A Lot Of Ground



Mr. Potomki has been vomiting unchecked for four days. He's puked on cleavage, spare ribs, frozen carrots, two rhubarb pies, a hot curling iron, a Gerainium, in two sinks, four wastebaskets, three shoeboxes, a hatchback, and all over a black light poster at Spencer's Gifts. It's strange that he still has stomach contents to regurgitate but he has produced at least twenty five pints of partially digested food and stomach fluids in order to coat everything in sight. Speculations are running wild.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Love Letter to the Ugliest Woman in the History of Motion Pictures


Too Ugly
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Tyler, look, I fucked up. OK? I know I fucked up. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I was afraid you'd leave. Good guess, huh? Fuck! Why can't I ever say what I really mean? I lied to you. I'm an asshole, but I need you, Tyler. I want you to know I've never known anyone like you before in my life...and I hope you change your mind.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Pepsi One Doesn't Sit Too Good With Local Hipster

Greg Potomki was exuberant when he purchased a six pack of the new Pepsi One Cola, sure that he had in his hands a wonderful carbonated beverage with a delicious taste and only one calorie. Six cans and twenty minutes later Mr. Potomki's stomach decided the wonderful beverage wasn't such a great addition to the pizza, pretzels, milk and cabbage he had enjoyed for dinner. The bizarre looking soup was viciously ejected from his mouth and nostrils when he was least expecting it and nearly became a part of his friend Gandalf's attire for the evening. Carrot, his other best friend, began to scream the lyrics to the Karate Kid theme song to lighten the mood. Enjoying the amazing burn of stomach acid in his nostrils, Mr. Potomki did manage a chuckle when Carrot arched his back and began to scream "Try your best to win them all and one day time will tell. When you’re the one that’s standing there you’ll reach the final bell! You’re the best... around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down. You’re the best... around, nothing’s gonna ever keep you down. You’re the best...around, nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own." Carrot then began to swing his arms in a wide rendition of a heart-wrenching guitar solo.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Creation Of New Race Foiled By Diarrhea



It’s too bad these two fat fucks will never meet. A match made in heaven that will never come to fruition. Together they could have populated the entire Earth with massive bellied children bearing awe inspiring stretch marks across their bloated abdomens. A whole new race could have been spawned if these two ample-bellied sex pots had simply crossed paths. It was a cruel twist of fate that on the day of their intended meeting at Wal-Mart they both became stricken with horrific bowel cramps and great gouts of brown and bubbly mess issued forth from their impressively proportioned backsides. They never again would have the chance to lay eyes on each other and would be forever doomed to languish in solitude, shunned by the cruel eyes of others. No one but them really missed out in this deal.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Enraged Muslims Attack Ancient Axe Offices to Prove They're Non-Violent


Angry at the Axe
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Following a series of postings depicting the prophet Mohammed as a violent slum-dweller, offended Muslims attacked the offices of the world-renowned blog Ancient Axe in Beirut this afternoon to prove that they hate violence.

"How dare they characterize our religion as based on violence!" screamed Mohammed Jihad as he struggled to pull the bloody axe from a lifeless Ancient Axe intern's chest. "We must defend the peaceful nature of Allah by setting fire to everything he created."

Ancient Axe editors and closed mind demifag idiots Buff Tan Honky and Maximillion asked why Muslims have to take everything so seriously.

"We're just trying to write an honest man's blog here," said Maximillion, fighting off eight Muslim attackers with a severed head. "Can't you take a fucking joke?"

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Hot Conservative Slut Loves Freedom; Donkey Punches


Reagan whore
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I wish Ronald Reagan were still alive so I could bury my face in his lap and pull down the zipper of his slacks with my teeth. Nancy Reagan was sweet, but I'll bet she's never heard of the donkey punch. If God created the donkey punch, how can it be evil?

I wear this Reagan T-shirt to work and it really pisses off my tax-and-spend liberal boss. I can tell he's torn between my hotness and my frightening conservative ideology. Does he really want Scott McClellan's sloppy seconds? I'll fuck anything that opposes abortion, even the Pope and that bald guy who bombs clinics.

I'll even fuck an Iraqi as long as he's committed to freedom and democracy, and bonus points if he drives a Hummer.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Please Please Me


I hate all of you fuckers. Kiss the fucking beard. You see my cheeks? No you don't that's because I have a big, bad ass fucking beard. My ass crack has a fucking beard like this too. Impenetrable. You fuckers will feel the wrath of a neckbeard before you die!

Which Tooth Is His Favorite?


From the outside looking in on this situation it may seem that even the person unfortunate enough to have these teeth would be revolted by them as well. But in reality people can become accustomed to almost anything if it occurs in gradual degrees of change. It's not so different from the man with the Bot Fly infestation on his face that turned his neck and cheeks into a swiss cheese-like series of hatcheries for magggots and worms. You know that guy didn't wake up one day with a wriggling mass in his beard, it started with one innocent fly laying its eggs in an equally innocent open sore. A little time and a little ignorance of sanitary procedures leads to a wierd hive face. Couldn't be more simple. The teeth here are like that. First a little plaque build-up, then some gingivitis, a little tooth decay, a minor abscess, then BOOM, only six teeth left. But amongst all of that, this guy maintained one tooth above all others, that one skinny solitary tooth on the left side of his mouth stands tall and dignified in a sea of misery. He babied that tooth, refusing to let it succumb to the horrors that surrounded it. It was his favorite and he loved it as something precious and sacred. That's the tooth you must kiss if you want to worm your way into his heart. That tooth is the gatekeeper to the passions of this lonely man of great misfortune. Kiss the tooth. Kiss it and see if you've found your special someone.

In Case You Were Curious...


For those of you out there who have spent as much time as I have staring at the backside of a well-groomed dog, a little light has now been shed on what lies beneath all that luxurious fur. I was always interested in knowing the intricacies of the canine anatomy and had a drive to know where the anal sac is. To be honest I didn't even know that dogs have anal sacs and I’m not exactly sure what they are. But now I know they have them. This is what I like to call a ‘great leap forward.’ I don’t reference the Chinese ‘Great Leap Forward’ that resulted in massive starvation and forced relocations of its populace, I just mean my intellect when it comes to a dog’s crotch has moved light-years beyond it’s former level. I think my greatest challenge will be the discovery of what exactly the penis retractor muscle does. But you know that of all people, I alone possess the patience, caring and sheer willpower to learn this important fact. Please wish me luck. I’m going to need all the help I can get in my journey to the center of a dog’s toilet area.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Don't you get it?? I was in the Meat Puppets!


Former Puppet
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
I was going to be a rock God. Kurt Cobain was down with me. I had a contract on a major label. I was THIS CLOSE to getting Paula Abdul's phone number. And then before you knew it, Kurt stopped returning our calls, we couldn't get a slot in Lollafuckingpalooza, our drummer started smoking nutmeg and it hit me like a concert amplifier: I need to get a real job!

Well fuck that, man. I can get by on my rep. I can put Kurt on my resume as a reference. Who wouldn't hire me?? I was in the fucking Meat Puppets! I had a crew of roadies and at least 3 or 4 groupies at any show we played.

Why, then, was I kicked out of my apartment? Why can't a Meat Puppet pay half-price for a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's?? High school kids these days are fucking clueless, man. They don't realize Creed or Burnt or Raver Boyz or whatever those fuckers are listening to is just a bad copycat of the Nirvana/Meat Puppets sound. I bet you could pick out some random little prick riding his bike and ask him, "Have you heard of the Meat Puppets?", and he'd be like "What? Is that some kind of circus act or something?" Seriously!!!!!!!

So what if I sleep on a bench and Courtney Love pretends she doesn't know me? All I own is a blue pillow and a stonewashed denim jacket, but I was in the Meat Puppets, and that's more important than material wealth.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I Want To Fuck This Big Ass!



There is so much that I find attractive about this I find it difficult to put my feelings into words. It might be the stretchmarks that get my blood pumping. Possibly it's the double set of love handles that have helped me achieve the massive, straining tent pole threatening the integrity of my shorts. That much is certainly possible, but I think a more likely option is the ambiguous sexuality of this person. Who exactly would I be having sex with if I was lucky enough to tug those big fucking jeans down? Man? Woman? Mawoman? Thing? I think it's that wierd patch of hair on the back above the tattoo that I find so intriguing. Maybe intriguing isn't the correct word, maybe I should say...tantalizing? If it is a woman, and the pink underpants certainly lean in that direction, then why the patch of back hair and the mannish love handles? If it is a man, then why the feminine lower back tattoo and the big hips? I'm drawing a blank on the sexuality, though I do know that I find that tattoo pretty fucking sexy. Whoever, whatever that person is, if they were to bend over for me and yank down those saggy, unflattering pants I would have no choice but to make the sweetest, most gentle love to whatever hole I could find. Of course, finishing on that tattoo and the patch of hair would be a must. I like the word underpants so I will include it again. I would use the pink underpants to mop that fresh, sexy tat off and make sure nothing gets all crudded up in those back pubes. You know, like man chowder.

I Want You To Kiss Me, Right HERE

I want you to stare at it for a moment. The sweet spot I mean. Just let your eyes wander over that luscious, hairy little patch of heaven. It needs your tongue. I need your tongue. You want to use your tongue...right down THERE. It smells so sweet, like thick sliced bacon cooking slowly in a heavy skillet over a crackling early morning campfire. One of those things you savor. Burns a little place in your heart doesn't it? Will you let me give you everything I have to give? I thinks so. I hope so. You know where to find me. I'm waiting in this position until you get here so hurry because it's hard to hold my legs up like this!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Vagina Lotion Commercials Help A Bitch Out


First off, fuck you for pretending that your girl doesn't use this shit too. You know you've found empty tube of Monistat or Vagisil in the bathroom trash. I bet my new Victoria Secret bra that she's got some Gyne-Lotrimin stashed away at the back of her underwear drawer. Sometimes a bitch just itches and stinks down there and there's nothing she can do but squirt some lotion in there to help out. My fav is Kolorex because the box says it's for Intimate AND Vaginal itch. So that means when my whole toilet area is are wrecked out I can just use some of that to fix me all up. You just never know when a girl's gonna catch a good case of vaginal thrush and needs something powerful to knock out that fungus. It's a good thing they have all those commercials on television that told me about that stuff because I would never have thought to look in that huge aisle at the grocery store that is completely dedicated to women's crotches and the shit that comes out of them. Those commercials that all the boys act all grossed out about help a bitch out. Only thing is that when I get the box of shit home they use all these words I don't know like 'vulva' and 'discharge.' I wish they'd tell us more on those commercials like how they keep the odor down and if it's cool for me to wear like two thongs to keep the smell in. I have to go because I'm in a school pep assembly and have to wear a pink costume for the Kiss A Pig raffle. Whatever the fuck that is.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Are My Nipples Showing?





















I just bought this shirt and I have to say its been a big hit. I think the attention everyone has been heaping on me has to do with my highly visible nipples through this extremely small polo shirt. Of course, I probably should by a medium size shirt but I can't bring myself to purchase anything above a small. I hate shirts that could even accidentally be tucked in. There's something about the way my well tanned arms look as they jut proudly from teeny tiny sleeves barely covering my shoulders that drives the women wild. When the wind blows and I get a little chilly my nipples poke out through the flimsy material like a couple of heavenly beacons. My nipples attract women like moths to a buglight. Yeah, that's right, I stab that shit when they get in range. This girl here I met at a street vendor's cart where she was looking at some puka shell necklaces. I ever so gently brushed my nipple across her bare arm and she went rigid. I knew at that moment that her genitals were becoming moist and ready for sex. This is common. Dropping a complement about her slight 'gay belly' sticking out of her breezy cotton pants I knew from the look on her face that I would have her ankles crossed behind my neck before nightfall. I am a world traveler, a woman conqueror, a sancho if you will. This is my destiny. Are my nipples in your future?

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I Got Jumped By Two Dudes While I Was Wearing A Fucking Rubber


I don’t know what the fucking story is but things got all fucked up last night over at Kellie’s place. We had just got down fucking all slow, you know, the kind of sex where you can feel the whole fucking rubber, and there comes this fucking knock at the door. I turn down the Nelly and someone keeps fucking banging on the door like a bastard. The whole fucking trailer was rattling and we had stopped fucking, if you know what I mean. I’m like ‘fuck this’ you know? And I pull out. The rubber’s going to be no good if I take it off so I just tug up my fucking shorts over it. I only had the one rubber, you know? I get up to go get the fucking door and Kellie’s tugging at my dick through my shorts but I got the dick tucked into the waistband so it’s not lancing out through the front so she can’t grip it. She’s still naked, all slicked up and sweaty but I can tell she’s horny so I’m like ‘hey motherfucker, I’ll be back in a fucking second.’ I get the fucking door and there’s these two fucking dudes like ‘who the fuck are you?’ One of the dudes hits my in the fucking neck before I can say fuck and I go down. The dick pops out of the waistband and the rubber is all gleaming and slicked up and this dude is like ‘oh no motherfucker’ and kicks me while I’m down like a bitch. I’m like, fuck this shit and try to hit this fucker with a lamp and his bro hits my fucking ass with a right cross in my motherfucking head. I woke up today with my neck all swole up and the fucking rubber still on. Kellie wasn’t fucking anywhere and the fucking bitch won't answer her fucking cell.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Getting Two Fat Bitches In The Trunk Doesn't Always Mean Anal Sex


This may come as a surprise to some guys but when someone says they got two fatties in the trunk doesn't mean they scored ass-sex off two thick bitches. They might actually have two healthy eaters in the trunk of their car for whatever reason. Say you're going to a party and trying to pick up some nice looking girls it's probably in your best interest to keep the big armed women out of sight. At those times a trunk is handy to stash those chunky asses out-of-sight for a while. If you strike out driving past Chevron and the skating rink you can bring those heavy women back up so you actually show up at the party with girls, fat fucks or not. I usually grab a bitches' arm before they get in my car and if I can't feel a bone under that meat I'll escort them to the trunk. It helps to tell the girl that the trunk is plush and carpeted and has good bass from the speakers in the back dash. This usually gets them cooled out enough that you can shut the trunk lid on their fat ass. Be careful you don't leave them in there too long or they'll eat the motherfucking jack.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Gangster Who Invented "West Side" Hand Signal Rolling Repeatedly in Grave


Throw up the W
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
It started as a brilliantly concocted method to represent one's neighborhood, but after its discovery by white people, the "W has devolved into a hand signal just about as bullshit as the "hang loose" sign.

The late Baby-T, a former gangbanger with the Grape Street Crips in Compton, is generally credited with the signal's first use. Baby-T intended to display that his turf was west of the neighorhood Special K, but it's use quickly spread and new meanings formed. It hit the mainstream when popular rap artist Tupac Shakur intentionally broke both hands to disfigure them into a permanent "W" shape, thereby sending a signal that he lived on the West Coast of the United States.

So the next time you "throw up the W" as Ice Cube is wont to say, think of Baby-T's soul roasting in Hell, and what the symbol meant to him. Don't take it lightly.

Friday, January 13, 2006

I Think This Hat Does A Lot For Me



Check it out, check it out! Brand new derby hat fresh out of the box and placed on my head at a nice rakish angle. Nothing on Earth to make a sporting man like myself stick out in a crowd. Only thing I need is a cigar to chomp on and a walking stick to make me look like a real dandy. Of course, no one else seems to think too much of this fine new hat but never you mind. Some people just have no taste that's all! I'm only hanging out over in the corner here at this party because I don't want the cigarette smoke to ruin the felt of this lovely hat. It cost a pretty penny and does dress me up nicely doesn't it? Doesn't make me look at all faggish does it? Nope, I thought not. Not a badge of homosexuality at all. Straight as an arrow, I am. This hat doesn't give away my interest in fucking men in the slightest. I just happen to wear this hat AND enjoy screwing guys. No connection whatsoever between the two.

Why Can't A Priest Molest Me?



I swear, with a pretty little mouth like mine you'd think they'd be lining up. I've always acted as vulnerable as possible but no one ever tries to shove me in their trunk or fuck me while I'm 'sleeping.' It's soooooo annoying to be the only kid around who totally wants a hot priest cock and can't fucking find one. I'll tell you this much too, all the stupid girls like me sooooo much. They're always saying how cute my curly, floppy hair is and how nice I'm always dressed. As if I do it for THEM! The janitor at school doesn't even seem to notice me when I keep dropping my binder near his closet and bend over with my totally cute J. Crew boxers peeking out. He might just be cautious though, which is cool, but I DO like to feel a little pursued you know? I swear, it's like a boy has to just THROW himself at a man before he'll try to fuck them. My lips are soooooo soft and pouting all the time. Why no balls on my cute little chin? I'm straight up waiting for it and no one gives it to me. I'm going to go lube up a carrot and get it stinky.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

When I Wrote About Parties, Someone Always Died


Ice and friend
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.
Two weeks ago I was out at the disco
Two brothers stepped up to me
And said
"Hey yo, Ice
We don't think you're down
What set ya claimin'?"
E drew the Glock, yo my set's aimin'!
Dumb motherfucker
Try to roll on me, please!
I'm protected by a thousand emcees
and hoodlums and hustlers
And bangers with Jeri curls
we won't even count the girls
Cause they got my back
And I got theirs too
Fight for the streets
When I'm on Oprah or Donahue
They try to sweat a nigga
But they just didn'T figure
What my wit's as quick as a hair trigger

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I Have Big Healthy Gums



Hello, I am Sayichi Yamaha Honda! My parents are both short. I lucked out though, I got really big gums and little tiny teeth. This is a blessing because when I smile you can see that I do not have gingivitis. I use floss and a child sized tooth brush which are much cheaper and come in many fun colors and designs. I’ll be honest though. I wish that I was a few inches taller too. I know, I know, I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. But couldn’t the gods have made me a little taller when they were sprinkling the gift of big gums on me? I have ways around being short though. I fluff my bangs up sooooo tall and that fools everyone and makes me look like a giant! I drive an Eclipse with blue neon underneath and I also have big gums. Oh yeah, small teeth too!

The Balls Are Where It's At!



Any man out there who has 'been' with a woman can tell you this with unshakable certainty; the balls are ALL that counts! Big dick? Thick veiny shaft? Fist sized mushroom tip? Fuck that shit. Big, low hanging, suckable nuts are all that women want and/or need. You got balls the size of crab apples and you’ve got a woman with a smile on her face it would take a machete to remove. Who cares if the tip of your dick is smaller than your thumbnail! It simply does not matter! You put your penis AND balls into her and we’ll see a girl that’s satisfied. The most important thing is, if you have a small dick and big nuts, post pictures of that shit on the internet. There’s no telling how many people out there are turned on seeing a woman HUMILIATED by a man wielding two pomegranates and a fucking tube of Chapstick. Also, grow that bush in nice and thick. Makes your dick look even shorter and that will get her halfway there before you even stuff your yam sack in her face.