It Sure Does Get Hot Under This BIG FUCKING HAT

That's why you see me drinking Coors. It's the Banquet Beer, made from pure Rocky Mountain water. It cools you down when the sun is beating down. Even a big huge hat like mine can't keep your whole body cool. You need a frosty beer to do that. I love Coors. Colorado Kool-Aide. And I love this hat.

Timestalkers: When Bassmouths Collide

Whoever was in charge of casting for this movie must have been into fishing.

A Question That Five Film's And 27 Years Has Yet To Answer

How did Daniel Laruso beat Dutch? My answer; he didn't. That's why they didn't even bother to show the actual fight in the movie. It was just too ridiculous for anyone to swallow, even people that bought Billy Zabka being foolish enough to walk blindly into the most telegraphed Crane Kick in history.

Jonathan Sharkey, Gubernatorial Vampire

Sharkey wants his sixteen year old bride and he's not going to let her mother keep her without a fight. Fight, Jon Sharkey. Fight.

Sherds or Shards? An Archaeologist's Dilemma

Preeminent archeaologist Dr. Walter G. Lungwarts is currently facing what is gaining attention as the Sherd/Shard Discontinuity. "What the fuck am I supposed to call these little chunks?" The Princeton educated doctor asked, holding up a wedge of terra cotta clay. "How can I publish if I can't even get that much right?" I had no easy answer to give the man. "Fuck it," Dr. Lungwarts said at the conclusion of our meeting as he tossed what could have been a valuable artifact back into the pit at the digsite. "If I can't name it, what's the point?"

Richie "I'm Wealthy" Rich

Who needs character development or plot when your protagonist is THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD? What do for book 34 when you're running low on ideas? Just have THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD shovel money into a night deposit box at the bank! No need for a deposit slip, no one else has THAT much money!

I Named My Asshole Karl

Would you like to meet him?

Craigslist Personals, Where Love Is Made

Craigslist personals are an endless source of enjoyment for me. Until now, I've never thrown my hat into the ring. Here's the ad I posted:

Ever Heard Of Retard Strength? - 31
I don’t really know what that means, but if it has to do with strength, I’ve got it. I’m strong. I love pushups. I love bench press. I can curl you by your head. Think about that for a minute. That’s biceps strength coupled with amazing grip power and impossibly powerful spinal erectors. Like Christmas? The defininition in my lower back looks like a Christmas tree. BOOM! Lats all over the place. I’ll do pushups right on your face. We could go out sometime and you could just stare at my body while I watch a movie. I don’t really care. I’m 6’3 and 280lbs of pure male. Fully buffed out. POW. Some women like guys who are confident. I’m confident that you won’t find someone that can do as many pushups as I can. Go ahead and try.



So I got a number of interesting responses. Quite a few were simply angry insults, which is to be expected when you've got a body like I have, but I decided to post the email conversation I had with Erica. Erica strikes me as a girl with low self esteem and possibly multiple personalities.

ERICA:
I do not normally answer these kind of things, but something about your ad made me want to. I've got brunette curls and blue eyes. My hair is really short, but I still look like a lady. If you have ever played WoW, my build is female draenei. Except for the horns. .... most of the time. ;) The thing I've missed about being in any kind of a relationship is cuddling. GOOD LORD, I miss that. :( Most any night after 7:00 works for me. Jsut let me know what works for you. Cya!

ME:
Sorry to take so long to get back to you. I was working out. I work out a lot. I've never played WoW. I'm curious how you can have curls if your hair is really short. That seems to be a contradiction. I like to work out muscle groups that contradict, like back and chest, to get a great push-pull pump workout. Awesome. Anyway, I think cuddling if fucking gay. I'd rather talk for a while, maybe about my workouts or something. What's your input?

ERICA:
LOL! I'm trembling, I'm so set to get together. Nothing can beat a couple of months of erotic repression in order to kick me in to overdrive. If you think you need to gawk at some pix first, I have some on the web but shit; really? Does anybody even look like themselves when they are in the middle of a really good screw? Have you ever gotten into tantric sex? It can be pretty ... I don't have words for what it can be. Later days, babe!

ME:
You sound like a fucking idiot.

ERICA:
Wut up, home slice? Thank you for hitting me up. Now I have a big case of the warm fuzzies. *grin* I want you to see me in the nude, and know you can have me. I want to put on some soft music, pour us some drinks, and see where the evening takes us. Later, tater.

ME:
How about I take a fucking shit on your chest instead?

ERICA:
Heya, baby! God, heck of a day. I am in desperate need of a massage. Why aren't you here?? Take care, Sug.

Guess Who Doesn't Give A Shit What Percentile Your Kid Is In?

Height, length, weight, intelligence, skull size... I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. You are probably an idiot and therefore your kid will be too. How about this for a percentage; 98% of people fucking suck. That means the odds are against you being part of that passable remainder. Your kid won't most likely won't be either. Someone I know actually mentioned that their kid's head was in the 97-98th percentile for size. Why the fuck would they know this? Why the fuck would they tell me unless they wanted me to laugh? FYI- I don't fucking give a shit about your stupid kid. Unless we're related somehow, keep these pearls of pointless information to yourselves.

Out Of Shape? Get A ROOF RACK!

I grew up a stone's throw from a woman who attached a $500 bicycle rack to the roof of her 1992 Cherokee. In the 12 years I saw that roof rack traveling about town there was never so much as a child's scooter strapped into its industrial strength steel frame. This woman didn't even own a bicycle. This struck me as curious, so I finally asked her about it, about the necessity of a roof rack for bicycles when none were owned. She told me the rack made the Cherokee look "sporty". This was a revelation to me. In that moment I realized that a simple purchase really could change your image. I no longer thought of her as a slobby, fat troll who only left her house to go to Costco, but someone who was living a 'sporty' lifestyle. Obviously, I began to treat her as such. So if your fat ass is hidden behind the wheel of a car where no one can see you, throw a sports rack on the top of your vehicle so everyone knows that you grab life by the horns.

New Album Covers!

It's FORWARD, Not FO'WARD

Also, you dickheads that say shed-ule instead of schedule can all die slowly. Do you think that makes you sound smart? Even if that is really the way it's supposed to be pronounced, stop trying to be the sole voice of reason.

'Why don't you shed-ule me in for an eight o'clock tee time.'

'Well, your Mother didn't her birth control as per the shed-ule.'

'Yeah... well, do you think I can shed-ule that gastrointestinal bleed for next week? I'm not interesting in crapping blood right now.'

Okay, moving fo'ward, I think it's important to know that simple things like this will someday separate you from being in the wrong line after getting out of the cattle car. So... any mispronunciations out there that bug the rest of you?

Hey, Wang! It's a Parking Lot!

They may have arrived together, but they had such different experiences on that beautiful Kona beach. Good thing they didn't let a single fucking second escape their cameras. This was the amazing sunset view I had one wonderful evening while these two fucking morons captured the water breaking on the rocks for at least an hour. They were at it so long I started to wonder if they were frozen like Robert Deniro from Awakenings.

Missing Since 1987

Fuck D.B. Cooper, I want to know where all the white dogshit went.

Like Album Covers?

Tell me what you think of these three I made. The bands might be imaginary, but the passion behind these album covers is as real as any music out there. I have so many more I want to share with you, but I'm not going to give them all at once. No-no. I'm going to give them to you doucemo. I'm going to give them... very slowly.

Richard 'Wildeyes' Roundtree

The man knows nudity.

Going to a Children's Play on Acid Probably Looks Like This

Someone Finally Tells Bush About the Shocker

Laura has no idea what's coming, but all these people do.

Paul Giamatti nests in wood shavings.

Gettysbeard

If you think the civil war had something to do with slavery or even the interference of state governance by the federal government, you've got another thing coming. Beards. That's what it was about. Long flowing beards coursing down over manly chests gleaming with medals. I have a beard and to tell you the truth, I feel like I could take over the fucking world right now. I challenge you to see for yourself, if you've got the guts, a penis and no interest in getting laid.