The Ancient Axe

Like Irish Dim Sum?

2011-06-14T22:27:00.000-07:00

Then go to O'Asian! The best traditional Irish Chinese food you'll ever find, served right in downtown Seattle. Like green beer? Try their green tea instead! Eat an entire fucking plate of shrimp-cabbage-rolls served just the way the asians in Ireland used to; with chopsticks! The legendary cooking traditions of the Irish Chinamen are no secret, but wait until you have a big steaming bowl of egg-drop soup. It is sure to transport you straight back to the emerale isle. Seriously, the shit is fucking amazing. Why wouldn't it be? Could anyone who dreamt up a truly wondrous name like O'Asian not make a delicious Irish Chinese meal? I doubt it. So go check this place out, or just get drug there by someone else like I did and spend an hour and a half absolutely furious that your money is going to some fucking retard that named a goddamn restaurant O'Asian and that somehow that person has miraculously avoided walking in front of a speeding bus. Where are all the stray bullets when you need them?

Timestalkers: When Bassmouths Collide

2011-05-24T23:25:00.000-07:00

Whoever was in charge of casting for this movie must have been into fishing.

A Question That Five Film's And 27 Years Has Yet To Answer

2011-05-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

How did Daniel Laruso beat Dutch? My answer; he didn't. That's why they didn't even bother to show the actual fight in the movie. It was just too ridiculous for anyone to swallow, even people that bought Billy Zabka being foolish enough to walk blindly into the most telegraphed Crane Kick in history.

Who Is The Real Mark Abernathy?

2011-04-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

I think he worked for the city back in the '80s, but I don't really know for sure. He wore flannels, or not. And he might have had a beard. I can't really remember. He was this guy my parents knew and I think I saw a picture of him once. I can't be sure though.

Jonathan Sharkey, Gubernatorial Vampire

2011-04-08T02:17:00.000-07:00

Sharkey wants his sixteen year old bride and he's not going to let her mother keep her without a fight. Fight, Jon Sharkey. Fight.

Sherds or Shards? An Archaeologist's Dilemma

2011-03-25T01:24:00.000-07:00

Preeminent archeaologist Dr. Walter G. Lungwarts is currently facing what is gaining attention as the Sherd/Shard Discontinuity. "What the fuck am I supposed to call these little chunks?" The Princeton educated doctor asked, holding up a wedge of terra cotta clay. "How can I publish if I can't even get that much right?" I had no easy answer to give the man. "Fuck it," Dr. Lungwarts said at the conclusion of our meeting as he tossed what could have been a valuable artifact back into the pit at the digsite. "If I can't name it, what's the point?"

Richie "I'm Wealthy" Rich

2011-03-02T15:00:00.000-08:00

Who needs character development or plot when your protagonist is THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD? What do for book 34 when you're running low on ideas? Just have THE RICHEST KID IN THE WORLD shovel money into a night deposit box at the bank! No need for a deposit slip, no one else has THAT much money!

I Named My Asshole Karl

2011-02-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

Would you like to meet him?

Craigslist Personals, Where Love Is Made

2011-01-29T23:40:00.000-08:00

Craigslist personals are an endless source of enjoyment for me. Until now, I've never thrown my hat into the ring. Here's the ad I posted:

Ever Heard Of Retard Strength? - 31
I don’t really know what that means, but if it has to do with strength, I’ve got it. I’m strong. I love pushups. I love bench press. I can curl you by your head. Think about that for a minute. That’s biceps strength coupled with amazing grip power and impossibly powerful spinal erectors. Like Christmas? The defininition in my lower back looks like a Christmas tree. BOOM! Lats all over the place. I’ll do pushups right on your face. We could go out sometime and you could just stare at my body while I watch a movie. I don’t really care. I’m 6’3 and 280lbs of pure male. Fully buffed out. POW. Some women like guys who are confident. I’m confident that you won’t find someone that can do as many pushups as I can. Go ahead and try.

So I got a number of interesting responses. Quite a few were simply angry insults, which is to be expected when you've got a body like I have, but I decided to post the email conversation I had with Erica. Erica strikes me as a girl with low self esteem and possibly multiple personalities.

ERICA:
I do not normally answer these kind of things, but something about your ad made me want to. I've got brunette curls and blue eyes. My hair is really short, but I still look like a lady. If you have ever played WoW, my build is female draenei. Except for the horns. .... most of the time. ;) The thing I've missed about being in any kind of a relationship is cuddling. GOOD LORD, I miss that. :( Most any night after 7:00 works for me. Jsut let me know what works for you. Cya!

ME:
Sorry to take so long to get back to you. I was working out. I work out a lot. I've never played WoW. I'm curious how you can have curls if your hair is really short. That seems to be a contradiction. I like to work out muscle groups that contradict, like back and chest, to get a great push-pull pump workout. Awesome. Anyway, I think cuddling if fucking gay. I'd rather talk for a while, maybe about my workouts or something. What's your input?

ERICA:
LOL! I'm trembling, I'm so set to get together. Nothing can beat a couple of months of erotic repression in order to kick me in to overdrive. If you think you need to gawk at some pix first, I have some on the web but shit; really? Does anybody even look like themselves when they are in the middle of a really good screw? Have you ever gotten into tantric sex? It can be pretty ... I don't have words for what it can be. Later days, babe!

ME:
You sound like a fucking idiot.

ERICA:
Wut up, home slice? Thank you for hitting me up. Now I have a big case of the warm fuzzies. *grin* I want you to see me in the nude, and know you can have me. I want to put on some soft music, pour us some drinks, and see where the evening takes us. Later, tater.

ME:
How about I take a fucking shit on your chest instead?

ERICA:
Heya, baby! God, heck of a day. I am in desperate need of a massage. Why aren't you here?? Take care, Sug.

Guess Who Doesn't Give A Shit What Percentile Your Kid Is In?

2011-01-29T22:42:00.000-08:00

Height, length, weight, intelligence, skull size... I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. You are probably an idiot and therefore your kid will be too. How about this for a percentage; 98% of people fucking suck. That means the odds are against you being part of that passable remainder. Your kid won't most likely won't be either. Someone I know actually mentioned that their kid's head was in the 97-98th percentile for size. Why the fuck would they know this? Why the fuck would they tell me unless they wanted me to laugh? FYI- I don't fucking give a shit about your stupid kid. Unless we're related somehow, keep these pearls of pointless information to yourselves.

Out Of Shape? Get A ROOF RACK!

2011-01-11T23:32:00.000-08:00

I grew up a stone's throw from a woman who attached a $500 bicycle rack to the roof of her 1992 Cherokee. In the 12 years I saw that roof rack traveling about town there was never so much as a child's scooter strapped into its industrial strength steel frame. This woman didn't even own a bicycle. This struck me as curious, so I finally asked her about it, about the necessity of a roof rack for bicycles when none were owned. She told me the rack made the Cherokee look "sporty". This was a revelation to me. In that moment I realized that a simple purchase really could change your image. I no longer thought of her as a slobby, fat troll who only left her house to go to Costco, but someone who was living a 'sporty' lifestyle. Obviously, I began to treat her as such. So if your fat ass is hidden behind the wheel of a car where no one can see you, throw a sports rack on the top of your vehicle so everyone knows that you grab life by the horns.

More Things I Hate

2011-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

1. Population growth. We're due to reach 9 billion pointless assholes on this planet by the time I should have been able to retire.
2. Leaning over to pick something up, burping, and then puking into my mouth.
3. The "man" who had a baby.
4. People who think dying their hair weird colors is even remotely unique.
5. Subway, especially that one in Tacoma
6. That hunk of shit tv show Two and a Half Men
7. EVERYONE who shits on the wall in a public bathroom, I mean, what gives?
8. The fucking idiots who are going to publish edited versions of Huck Finn due to its racist language. Fuck you.
9. Progressive Insurance
10. The people you see hiking with two $150 walking sticks for a trail loop that's four miles round trip.
11. Anyone who can't take a punch.
12. Rubbers. Yeah, I know this kind of flies in the face of #1.

New Album Covers!

2010-11-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

It's FORWARD, Not FO'WARD

2010-11-16T22:43:00.001-08:00

Also, you dickheads that say shed-ule instead of schedule can all die slowly. Do you think that makes you sound smart? Even if that is really the way it's supposed to be pronounced, stop trying to be the sole voice of reason.

'Why don't you shed-ule me in for an eight o'clock tee time.'

'Well, your Mother didn't her birth control as per the shed-ule.'

'Yeah... well, do you think I can shed-ule that gastrointestinal bleed for next week? I'm not interesting in crapping blood right now.'

Okay, moving fo'ward, I think it's important to know that simple things like this will someday separate you from being in the wrong line after getting out of the cattle car. So... any mispronunciations out there that bug the rest of you?

Hey, Wang! It's a Parking Lot!

2010-08-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

They may have arrived together, but they had such different experiences on that beautiful Kona beach. Good thing they didn't let a single fucking second escape their cameras. This was the amazing sunset view I had one wonderful evening while these two fucking morons captured the water breaking on the rocks for at least an hour. They were at it so long I started to wonder if they were frozen like Robert Deniro from Awakenings.

Gabes Are Ugly People

2009-10-29T22:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever attached irrational emotions or imagery to a person's name? Well, I sure as hell have. When I was in 4th grade I met a kid from another school named Gabe. The kid was horrific. His face was simian, ape-like, with a narrow skull and protruding jaws and teeth. He belched purply-grape flavored something that stank. Ever since that nightmarish day when I hear the name Gabe I think of big ape mouths that stink of grape. Fuck you Gabe. Fuck all of you.

Fuck Christian Lander

2009-07-23T00:15:00.000-07:00

This guy is a fucking gem. Is he really getting semi-famous for writing a book listing things that white people enjoy? Why not read a fucking list of someone's favorite colors? Are people out there really that stupid? Wait... I know they are. It is just a little hard to wrap my head around sometimes. But really? What a cheeky fucker this Lander bitch is! I just can't believe the nerve he has to write about white people without fear of being called racist. That's soooooo edgy. It's not even like Chris Rock and his endless list of black-bashing jokes. Jesus fucking Christ. It only took this Lander guy about twenty years of def comedy jam re-runs to realize that you can make all the racist jokes you want as long as you only make fun of own race. Cross party lines and you get in hot water! HAHAHA! Now the author of the book Stuff White People Like and the website http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/ is going on television promoting his book. Riveting! I can only imagine how fucking breathtaking those interviews are going to be. What could anyone possibly ask this guy? All he had to do was make a list of things that are stereotypically enjoyed by minority groups and virtually everything else is worthy of an entry into his book. His brilliant topics include such hard hitting topics as white people liking t-shirts, shorts and sweaters (each of those was a separate topic), expensive sandwiches, sushi, having black friends and diversity. Based on those beauties why not push the envelope a little? I'd be so bold as to point out that white people enjoy forks. I also think white people prefer living in houses and that white people like to have clean feet. There you go! Bestseller? You fucking bet! The reviews of this guy's shit book on amazon.com are fucking amazing. How about Jayne P. Bowers who said "This has got to be the funniest and truest book I've read in a long, long time." Well, maybe she's a bad example. She did give 5 out of 5 for the book Flawed Families of the Bible. Fucking retard. Since I only bothered to actually read a few pages of this retard's webpage, I'll probably never know if he bothered to point out the one thing white people seem to enjoy most. Making fun of white people! It's right there! How could he not have seen it? His next book should be Making Fun of White People: The Best Way To Make Your Black Friends Laugh.

World Of Warcraft Has Infiltrated Metal

2009-07-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

This dude is fucking awesome. Does he hide the fact that he's a nerd? Fuck that! He's fucking PROUD of it. I thought this band was incredible when they released the track Severed Head Stoning on The Wretched Spawn album, but now... Totally badass.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80699317/

Missing Since 1987

2009-07-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

Fuck D.B. Cooper, I want to know where all the white dogshit went.

Like Album Covers?

2009-07-09T20:54:00.000-07:00

Tell me what you think of these three I made. The bands might be imaginary, but the passion behind these album covers is as real as any music out there. I have so many more I want to share with you, but I'm not going to give them all at once. No-no. I'm going to give them to you doucemo. I'm going to give them... very slowly.

Richard 'Wildeyes' Roundtree

2009-07-09T20:38:00.000-07:00

The man knows nudity.

You're a Wiener!

2009-07-09T20:31:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6GzVrKqTY5g

Going to a Children's Play on Acid Probably Looks Like This

2008-11-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

Someone Finally Tells Bush About the Shocker

2008-11-13T21:53:00.000-08:00

Laura has no idea what's coming, but all these people do.

2008-10-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Paul Giamatti nests in wood shavings.

Gettysbeard

2008-10-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

If you think the civil war had something to do with slavery or even the interference of state governance by the federal government, you've got another thing coming. Beards. That's what it was about. Long flowing beards coursing down over manly chests gleaming with medals. I have a beard and to tell you the truth, I feel like I could take over the fucking world right now. I challenge you to see for yourself, if you've got the guts, a penis and no interest in getting laid.

Perhaps Number One Buttfucky? Perhaps?

2008-09-26T13:56:00.000-07:00

3 Shot Sapporo? Buttfucky? Ramen Nool? Perhaps?

Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha... Okay Pay Me

2008-09-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hi! I'm homeless! I have a dog! I tied sunglasses on its head! It's funny! So give me some fucking money! HA! HA! HA! HA! Pay me.

Now Lie On The Bed... And Close Your Eyes

2008-09-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

As the silky drapes billow on the soft ocean breeze and the starlight glints off my chunky silver jewelry, you will know you are with a realman. Smell my hair oil and know this. Stroke my muscles under Egyptian cotton and know this. Run your tongue along my wispy chinstrap and know you are being bedded by a true specimen of man. You are safe with me. Go ahead and say that you feel that way. I already know you will because I am a muscular man with the powerful mane of a lion. When sex happens between us you will know you are with a man because of my penis. You will see it. I will show it to you between each sensual stroke of sexlove. I live in a palace of white resplendent with throw pillows upon which I will love you. In all ways will I let you enjoy my malebody. The strength of my malebody will be felt with each powerful hump. Nudity is my gift to you. Loose trousers of Egyptian cotton with flimsy drawstrings that barely contain my bloated manhood will fall to the Italian marble floor. Your eyes will fall to my sexwand. Your eyes will grow with fear and trepidation. My sexwand will grow with a lust for your innocence. Upon the exquisitely expensive flooring with you learn that woman is to be subjugated by someone possessing a malebody such as mine. I am buff. I am goodlooking. You are mine.

How About Twelve More Inches of CONE?

2008-08-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Haier 33inch tall Refridgerator - $70 (Rochester)

Nello i have a MINT 33inches high by 20x18 inches with freezer4 Shelves with crisper ]]]door has extra shelves too for pop 70.00 its exellent white color tim 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx

i Have Bird Houses - $20 (Rochester)
i Make bird houses 1 of a kind heres some pictures 20.00 each they are made out of tree bark too 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx

Drawer set 5 drawers mint shape - $105 (Rochester )
Hello i have a good set of drawers;;the first 2 of thenm are in half to put your socks in and other things and the 2ndone too is split now i got it you can put your stuff in one side then you have the other side too the 3 drawers left ars big its dark browm heavy too but exellent shape too 125.00 offer see it you will buy it i can haul it too but you need to help load it plus gas iam 18 miles from oly exit88 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx 47 hign[[ wide is30 on top and 17 for drawers[[

Fountain Indoor or out mint shape - $105 (Rochester)

FOuntain ;;;Pedistal/ bowl and angel figure heavy ///comes with pump hoses too its out side working too real nice come see it its niceeeeeeee and cool tim 360 858 xxxx call after ii0 clock in the morning 125.00 cash . ill send you a picture too offer 360 464 xxxx cell

50] HDTV 1080 DLP TV RCA BRAND - $850 (rochester)

this tv HDTV is 4 mts old bought during super bowl sunday selling it i got a lcd tv to hang on my wall still watching the tv havent put the other tv up yet need room must sell 850.00 offer you can see it with my cam too il;l get it to reach the tv or ill put it on with my camera phone and send you a pictext messeage tim 360 858 xxxxhome cell 360 464 xxxx tv sits on a stand too

Tensor light new - $15

2008-08-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

60 -Wattbulb]]]]]13 height ;;;;Rotary on and Off Switch on shade brand new 360 858 xxxx cell 360 464 xxxx thank you

Yes, he's back. Tim Cone is wheeling and dealing the way only he knows how. Check out these pictures, they will blow your fucking mind.

ON:

OFF:

El Chupacabra LIVES!

2008-08-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

The funny thing is... I used to be called 'goat sucker' back in high school.

You May Kiss the Paunch

2008-08-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

It was meticulously planned, down to the last detail. Every flower cut with care, every guest's program placed at a 90 degree angle on their chair, every strand of hair on the bride's head in place. But there were two large things their wedding planner didn't foresee.

The chaos theory is alive and well.

I Can Massage Vomit Right Out Of Your Fucking Skull

2008-08-07T00:22:00.000-07:00

When I get bored, I like to watch videos of people vomiting. That's how I found this little gem. What I'd like to know is why the guy doing the puking gets first crack at the hose.

Tim Kaine Hopes VP Slot Will Score Him More Puss

2008-07-29T16:03:00.001-07:00

With all these Tim Kaine-Obama VP selection rumors swirling, I'd just like to point our 3 readers to this scintillating Ancient Axe report about Kaine during his gubernatorial race in '05. Why the national news media never picked up on Kaine's brutal honesty about his sexual frustrations, I'll never know. But Obama should be worried about his own VP's inability to get laid by a middle-aged Judge.

Backstabbing Commie Villager For Sale

2008-07-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

This is a once in a lifetime chance to purchase your very own communist villager. She comes complete with black pajamas, wild hair and a driving need to kill all capitalist swine. While she may appear docile and spiritually broken, trust me, she is anything but! Her will to survive and spread the true communist ideal throughout villages everywhere makes her the dynamic enemy you've always wanted to own. Surviving on little more than a cup of rice and some meager scraps of meat, she can entertain you for countless hours spouting off the most uproarious communist manifesto! Propery motivated (beaten) she will confess to just about anything, which is a sure way to keep any friday night from getting stagnant. Invite over your friends to throw shit at her! She loves it! After her pals submerged American G.I.s in pools of filth and excrement, she knows she's got it coming. So get out your wallet and get a little bit of old fashioned revenge. Price so low it can't be advertised (whatever that means.)

Ted Danson Breathes Through His Hair

2008-07-10T00:05:00.000-07:00

You heard it here first! This beauty has been sticking his big, stupid looking face all over TV for fucking years and no one ever noticed that his goddamn lungs are in his head. That might explain the massive forehead and elongated skull. But really, what is the story with Ted Danson anyway? He spends a decade playing the role of a studly bartender on Cheers. How is that even possible? Beats the shit out of me. Can you actually imaging being at a bar and someone like this is hanging out with his jacket collar popped and girls are just falling all over each other trying to get into his pants? How could anyone fail to notice that his forehead is so prominent his eyebrows almost touch his cheeks? Who in their right mind would think that sex with this guy would be something worth remembering? I can picture Ted Danson as being the first man to successfully play a comical serial rapist in a movie. His face alone would be worth an academy award. You doubt me? Just think of his eyes bulging out with lust and him yelling 'I'm Ted Fucking Danson!' over and over again into his victim's faces. I wish I had sheets with this fucking picture on it.

Mom... you can skip the sex talk. Okay?

2008-06-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

Please Call After 11000

2008-04-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

A new craigslist ad from our old friend TIM CONE! Check this one out, this guy is on crack I swear:

hello i have 4 P235/75R15 Kelly Safari Trex Tires on Jeep rims - $275
Hi have 4 Kelly Safari Trex Tires Agressive treadtoo mint shape its a Geep Cherrkie so you get tires and rims and lug bolts 800 miles on tires 275.00 opffer 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx call after 1100o clock in the morning you will but them

Okay so that's good, but what about this one. The features of his vehicle boggle the mind. I love how he bothers to point out that the 'pinstripping' on a 95 Ford Windstar van 'looks cool.' Fucking retard. Also appears that he discovered the semi-colon button and decided to put some brackets in for good measure:

Hello i have a red 95 Ford Windstar; 90000 miles on new engine] garaged all its life ;;; mint shape ;oil changed every 3000 miles new tires 350.00.2 weeks ago // new idler arm too 150.00 .. crack in wind shild rock chip fixed too .shines as it was brand new ..interior like new .console i center of seats too for your drinks and more ..have all receips dode to it ..1200.00 done to it too new sensors brakes fuel filter air cleaner too lots more you will see it and buy it too many cars 3700.00 offer it will last you for ever cruise ]air.. over drive auto,,new wiper blades rad done too tranmission too done fuel filter come see it 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx .tim pinstripping on it too looks cool

Don't Judge a Man by his Hilarious T-Shirt

2008-04-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

This is an actual mug shot from our good friends at The Smoking Gun, and I felt it was my duty to share it with the world. Who the fuck looks at a T-shirt like that and thinks "Oooh! All my friends are going to be doubled over with laughter when they see this, especially when I wear it on the day we're going to rob that liquor store!" I'm sure the carefully manicured lip hair really intimidated his fellow inmates too.

What The Fuck Is This Shit?

2008-03-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

Please explain to me how this video corresponds in any way to this gay ass song because I'd love to know. The Disney Channel meets Dreamevil? What's up with these fucking lyrics anyway? Unbreakable Chain sounds like some sort of theme song for the Special Olympics or a youth group sing-along. 'United we stand, divided we fall!' That's pretty deep. I find it surprising that Dreamevil decided to include a song like this on an album titled 'The Book of Heavy Metal' in the first place. As far as I know, metalheads are a fairly independent group and joining in an unbreakable chain seems to go against their very nature. Picture 15,000 sweaty, shirtless dudes standing in a line holding hands in defiance of all that oppose them. Doesn't seem likely does it? A more believable picture would have them hooking their wallet chains together. Or maybe braiding their hair into one long rope with their bodies hanging off of it like Christmas lights. On a side note, I don't know what this cartoon is but it fucking sucks. Whatever happened to You and Me Kid? Those where the days when the Disney Channel ruled the globe. I was about six or seven when I watched that show even though I hated it. Something about it always sucked me in. On one particular episode they panned across the audience and I noticed this little girl running around the aisle in a frantic circle in her excitement. I remember thinking at the time that her parents must hate her because she was so stupid and embarrassing. The truth is that my opinion on that one hasn't changed much over the years. That girl really was a fucking joke.

1962 Fallout Book From Goverment With Letter

2008-01-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

This ad was posted on craigslist a few weeks back:

1962 fallout book from goverment with letter

hello i have a i have a letter about western electric about fallout protection and a departmentof defense book on building your shelter dated jan 1962 i know its old and mint shape found it in a tralier i bought make offer 360 858 xxxx home cel 360 464 xxxx ill show it on my web cam to you thanks tim

So I wrote him from an alternate email posing a girl (pictured below) who I named Kimmy Lee. What follows is what I feel to be one of the more interesting email exchanges in history. Keep in mind that I was also emailing him from several other accounts, as was my cousin, to create the illusion of a bidding war on the pamphlet. We ran the bidding up to around $18,000 between multiple invented personalities who failed again and again to cough up the money. One of my bidders claimed he was unable to meet to buy the book on the agreed upon date due to injuries suffered in a massive dogsledding accident. It was during this ordeal that he had been forced to eat his favorite dog in order to survive the three days stuck in a snowbank. That same bidder also could not use the telephone to work out the details of the purchase because the telephone was 'simply too large.' Whatever that means, it was accepted without comment...

Kimmy Lee wrote:

Can you send me some pics? I can't believe you have this for sale. I know it's not a great way for me to enter a bid but I really want this for my boyfriend. I can probably scrounge up like a grand if you can wait a couple days. I have to sell this stuff I have but will have cash maybe sunday or monday. I also my boyfriend has an old classic charger that has been about 95% restored that I think he would be willing to swap if the book is in good condition. Also, what does the letter say? Can you send pics? Please respond ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks- kimmy

Tim wrote back: this is karen do not scam us we are not dumdyou meet and look and buy bnot play games 4 scammers your the 5th iam sorry we have it all

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't understand what you're talking about. I'm not sure what you mean by a scam. How am I scamming you by being interested in what you're selling? I think you're probably fakes then. I've been busy at work and this is the first chance I get to check my email and I get three from you all angry. I never said you were dumd. If you still want to sell the book let me know. Otherwise forget it. I could go up to maybe 2000 cash if I get some time to sell the charger. If you're too impatient go ahead and sell it to someone else. Kimmy

Tim: hi0iam sorry but i was offered 16000.00 dollars from a gut if you want it offer me your price now

Kimmy Lee wrote:
My boyfriend just found this through a book dealer in vegas and said he's going to go ahead and buy it there. I'd still like to get it for him but he said the vegas dealer has it for pretty cheap. I might try to buy it as a surprise for his birthday then. What is the absolute lowest price you will accept for it? He's leaving tomorrow so please be honest because I don't have time to negotiate. Kimmy

Tim: now much money do you have

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money do I have? Are you on drugs or what? I simply asked how much you want for it. You said you were offered 16000 but it sounds like that didn't happen. Give me a number to work with or forget it!

Tim: hi this is karen tims fiase hes been thru hell every one wants the books or book but never has the money hes seen 2 people and they lied to us dsorry hes in a mad point now not trusting no 1 your ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
What happened when he saw those two people?

Tim: this is karen they lied and said they only had 2000.00 dollars when they said 6000.00 so it up to him now he wants 8000.00 and got offered 18000.00 from a guy from canada but they have it and he said do not sell it cheap its worth ehe price now its up to you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I put the charger up for sale but I doubt I'm going to get as much as you want. My boyfriend wont say how much the guy in vegas is asking so I don;t know if 18000 is too high. Thats an awful lot of money so I don't know. My boyfriend said he's going to throw in a porn movie of me to the guy in vegas so i think they worked out a deal or something. I'm pretty mad about that though. I need to think this over.

Tim: hi make a offer 10000.oo yu can have it ten thousand dollars ill take tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
No way. Maybe some porn instead?

Tim: ok monyt first

Kimmy Lee wrote:
How much money then if I give you a porn of me?

Tim: 8000.00no porm ill give him me this is karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Hi karen. Okay, my boyfriend said to offer the porn. He's really good at making deals. He left for vegas today to get the other book but I kind of hate him a little so I think I won't buy your book after all. He's such a jerk.I'm going to go see the movie Atonement today. Want to go?

Tim: no tims looking for a 3 some my 2 time but its been yrs

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? Well I think I'm pretty cute. What do u think. Is tim? I'll send a picture. I'm asian.

Tim: tims cute too long curly hair med and me 38 c 120 pds nice butt i have too and tim got a nice cock send pictures karen

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I thought I sent it last time. I'll try again. It might be attached up at the top under the subject line. Can I see you too?

Tim: yout lovely tims says wow he says hes single iam his x wife too but we live not together tims been married 5 times too but a good man ill send a picture of him hes hot very good lover not 5 min but hrs of love making hes got a heart of love

Kimmy Lee wrote:
=) I like! He looks like a real man. Can I see Karen too? This is getting me excited!

Tim: call tim 360 464 xxxx i have no pictures he will tell you about me

Kimmy Lee wrote:

I'm pretty shy to call you. Sorry. This makes me blush! I don't have camera otherwise I'd send more pics. HOtter too. Sorry.

Tim: ok can i call you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Call me what?

Tim: on the phone i like asia ladies ill date 1 but dont know any to date your lovely too tim

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Do you want to date me from behind? =)

Tim: i cant date you if you have a boyfriend dont want to get you in trouble either are you free to date me its tim talking to you iam single too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
yes. i dumped my boyfriend last night. I want to try anal.

Tim: do you live alone we want no trouble from your x boyfriend

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Don't worry about him. I have my own place. Anal?

Tim: karen and i would love to kiss your body all over and make you climax if not ill come and she can watch us make love your ass would be mint and pussy too

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have never been with senior citizen before. My dad wants me to marry old man because they are stable. Are you stable with job?

Tim: iam retired with income i live in a new house 3b 2 bath new 07 dodge magumn but i want a lady to love me for me iam not poor but live ok iam not a old man either i act like a kid you seen my pictures ill send 1 to yoiu if we meet and no trouble from your x boyfriend ill meet you i dont drink or smoke call me ok 360 858 xxxx sounds like your dad is right a stable man is good but a younger man is good too if hes stable

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I have a very hairy ass.

Tim: for a lady ok

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Really? I want man who likes my ass with all the hair. Makes wiping tough though to get clean!

Tim: are you for real you wont call iam not sure now tim and karen shes here too saying tim your getting played

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Played? I told you im too shy to call. You're trying to pressure me too hard. All I wanted was to see atonement with karen and she said something about a three way out of nowhere. I was getting hot talking dirty but if you dont want to then forget it.

Tim: i like it too lol your cool but we dont get no where we can talk on the phone too i have a web cam karen left good lol i like you

Kimmy Lee wrote:
is karen ugly?

Tim: well no not in my eyes shes has tumors on her body but onlty one eye since baby hood she got a good personalitiy you will like her she likes to fuck and has a nice ass to hairy too lol but i cant get it up with her i was married to her but divorced she wants me to find a good lady and me a man for her you turn me on

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So she has hairy butt and one eye? Is her eye brown?

Tim: no blue she dresses nice too small 38c tits nice butt i lick it too sexy too blonde with strecks in her hair shes a lot of fun but my x wife ok going to bed night i want to meet you too where do you work

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I don't work. I go to high school still.

Tim: well your too young bye

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Okay fine. Forget the anal. I'll give you 14,500 for the books but I want the letter in a gold box

Tim: i want thesex too i cant put it in a gold box thats moneyyou have to tell some jewerly

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Why do you always respond like two or three times to each email? Why not just figure out what you want to say and get it all out in one? Kinda wierds me out you know? So to answer your questions, what does it matter how old I amor where I get my money? Doesn't seem very relevant. As far as the box goes, it needs to be fourteen by twelve inches long and six inches tall made of white oak and inlaid with my name in gold in old style lettering. The interior of the boxshould be rich red velvet with cutouts for the books. The letter needs to be set into the lid of the box beneath a crystal lens. This isn't too much to ask for $14,500. I need some give and take on this.

Tim: do you want to meet for coffee are you in college and do you want the book its going to end soon iam selling it to calif people then

Kimmy Lee wrote:
I'm starting to get the vibe that you are a fucking retard. I said I was in high school, so I'm probably not also in college. You ask if I want the book and in the same sentence tell me that you are selling it to someone in California. What the hell is the matter with you anyway? If you can get more money than 14,500 I already offered then fucking do it and quit emailing me. I will only buy the book if you provide the box, so if you can't handle that then good luck. No I don't want to meet you for coffee because you made fun of my hairy butthole. Kimmy

Tim: if you want it we meet at the police station here in centralia karen 14000.00 last deal

**About two weeks pass and I get around to emailing them back after I think they've started to sweat as no one is making any offers anymore.

Kimmy Lee wrote:
Anyone make any offers yet? You starting to rethink the box? Kimmy

Tim: you need to call me to talk on the offer no box you can do it your way on the box 360 858 xxxx home cell 360 464 xxxx if you wanted the item its what people do not talk on here so call me you would call

About an hour later Tim wrote again: ill sell it to what price and cash ;are you back with your boyfriend - make offer the box i have to ch on itif you got the money you got it karen says no box its yours to buy but we are not a boz ervice

Kimmy Lee wrote:
So does that mean you'll provide the box?

Tim: guess i can do it now tell me the size

Oh God! I'm So Fucking SWEATY!

2007-12-13T16:19:00.000-08:00

Yeah sure, there's a consoling hand on my shoulder, but that doesn't help the fact that I am just dripping with sweat over every inch of my tan, hot body. No matter what I do I end up all sweaty like this and my clothes soak through from all of my hot sweaty sweat that oozes out of my pores that are located all over my sweaty body. My hair gets stringy from the dripping sweat and it clings to my scalp like a dead animal skin but its actually just real sweaty and not dead like it looks. Whenever I get like this dudes come up and try to comfort me and they sometimes even try to listen to my heart with their cellphones pushed against my sweat soaked and tan stomach area. The problem with being this sweaty is how totally lubricated my skin is all the time. My shirts just slip off and land behind me on railings for me to lean against, which I guess isn't all bad. Also the girls like the sweat because so much of it comes off me during the sex they think they're getting a free salty shower that stinks a little but when they realize its just my body sweating so much all over them they usually finish really quick. That's pretty hot too, which makes me even hotter and sweatier than anyone could even imagine. Just picture someone so hot and sweaty that you just start to sweat looking at them. That's knowing me. I start big sweaty moshpits of hot bodies sweating on each other with a cloud of stink that's kind of like being at a heavy metal concert because of the B.O. except there's more girls near me.

I Wish Martin Short Would Push This Fucking Stick Up His Ass

2007-12-12T20:51:00.000-08:00

So who likes Martin Short? I fucking don't. He's always like 'Hi! I'm a ugly dumbfuck.' That's what he's always saying. I'm like 'fuck you, Martin Short.' Whenever I talk about Martin 'Fucking' Short, everyone's always like 'yeah but what about fucking Inner Space?' I just have to be like 'even Dennis Quaid couldn't save that fucking movie.' People just don't fucking get it. Martin short IS a cunt. It's just a fucking fact of life. He dresses up like a fat person to be more funny and he's all like 'hey I'm fucking fat so I'm suddenly way funnier.' Fuck that shit. Martin Short is in dumb fucking movies and he's a stupid whorish fuck. Maybe we'll all get lucky and his big fucking teeth with grow even bigger so we can use them for dominoes when he dies.

You can take Santa out of the Ghetto, but you can't take the Ghetto out of Santa

2007-12-09T14:06:00.001-08:00

Santa's got a fat setup in the North Pole with all those midget slaves and electronics and shit, but it wasn't always like that. Santa actually grew up in the Coney Island area of Brooklyn and got his first big break shooting hoops in the rough-and-tumble Carey Gardens housing project. St. Nick's skills on the playground earned him the respect to get out of the gang life that engrossed so many of his peers, but the experience scarred his fragile mind. Beneath his outwardly jolly demeanor, a hard understanding of the ugliness of man exists.

A young Santa quickly learned the hardships of life in Coney Island

Obviously Santa has since moved on to a better place up North, but legend has it in Carey Gardens that Santa still maintains an apartment in the building, and through extensive philandering has fathered a large proportion of its residents.

Think this is a joke, do you? Why is it that you never hear poems about Santa as a young man? Ever consider that, smartass?

The Greatest Band Alive

2007-08-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely obsessed with this band. If anything cooler than this exists right now, I'd love to see it. Well, Mastodon is right up there, but the truly amazing beard and vocals appearing on 3 Inches of Blood cannot be ignored. Be sure to watch the last 30 seconds of the video too, that's when the battle axe makes its appearance.

Hey Let's Have Six Fucking Kids!

2007-08-20T23:06:00.001-07:00

It's amazing how much hatred I hold for people who still think it's a great idea to have more than one or two kids. 'Hey lets have FIVE!' The fat fuck with the weak chin cries, eager to pass on his useless genes. How is it that anyone can still look around this world and not see that virtually every problem the Earth faces right now, both environmentally and politically, is based on the fact that there are already too many people? Check out that relaxing beach in Korea. Looks so nice! How about the trains in India shown in the video below, overloaded to the point that people are literally spilling out the doors? So all the people in these shitty countries around the world come to the US because there's no room back home but what happens when this country gets the same way? Are we going to overload Greenland? I think a solution to the problem is sterilizing everyone who shops at Wal-Mart. I sometimes go there just to people watch and it's amazing that the people who are so poor they actually rely on that place still think it's a great plan to have nine piece of shit kids. Based on the reverse Darwin effect that's going on, the human race will have an average IQ of 10 by the end of the next century.

Nice To Mole You!

2007-08-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

This beauty was spotted from about two hundred yards away outside the Tower of London. I asked this woman her name and she said she was Moley Russel's wart. I agree. I gave her a can of Barbasol and three razors from my bag to take the goatee off of it. Needless to say, she was grateful.

Someone Lose A Bet?

2007-08-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

How in the hell does something like this happen? It can't be only the tattoo artists fault because they always stencil tattoos on and show you before they do it. So that means two of the stupidest people on Earth came into contact for one amazing moment in time and the results of this meeting can be enjoyed forever! This is the type of tattoo that should have been carved through the flesh and onto his bones, so archaeologists in the future can ponder its meaning. They might have a little trouble with the 'w' because it looks like an 'm.' They will wonder why someone would be so proud of being amsome that they would tattoo it right on their back. Amsome... hmmmm... what could that mean? As a side note, they didn't even make it level and what's with the huge space between the words. I think I could fix this tattoo though. I'd throw an 'r' into that big space making it Ramsome. Then change my last name to Ramsome so everyone is like 'whoa man! You love your name!' Or if you don't like that, you could also throw a 'j' in front of the 'I'm' and blend in the apostrophe so it says Jim Ramsome. You could then tell people he was a dude you were friends with in 8th grade who was really fucking rad so you wanted everyone to know you used to be friends.

Find the Four Beautiful Things in this Photo!

2007-07-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll give you a hint!

There are...
Two (2) hot chicks
and
Two (2) hot testicles!

Why beat around the BUSH about it! HA HA HA HA! Two hot fucking NUTZ! As a side note, does anyone else hate the t-shirt over a long sleeve t-shirt look? Kyle Belton eat your heart out! Also, what's with the pictures on the wall with the kids holding their hands together in prayer? It's like their parents put them up think 'Yes! These will make our ugly, shithead kids seem like little angels!' If they only knew their kids were pulling their genitals out to ruin photographs at keg parties. As a teenage guy I never had a girl 'ruin' one of the pictures I was taking friends by secretly exposing her vagina, but I guess I was lucky and none of my pictures were ever spoiled. Thank GOD for that. I'm going to go curl up to a good Emma Watson movie and cry while thinking about how fucking lucky I am.

Seattle Man Discovers New 'Relaxed' Jogging

2007-07-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Are you bothered by the prospect of going jogging and having some passerby confuse you with someone who needs to be somewhere in a hurry? For those of you who said yes, there is an answer to this often mortifying dilemma. You simply need to slip your hands into the front pockets of your pants while your running, that way no one in their right might would mistake you for someone who has somewhere to be. The man shown above was ever so casually running at full speed along the shore at Lincoln Park in Seattle, serenely cruising with nowhere to go and not a care in the world. Even when he tripped over his own feet and nearly fell face first into the pavement, he looked calm and relaxed, never removing his hands from the comfortable confines of his pants. The man was a vision of someone enjoying a lazy sprint at the beach. Learn from him and maybe you could shed a few pounds without really caring about it much.

Overdose

2007-06-20T17:47:00.001-07:00

2007-06-20T17:14:00.000-07:00

I was in Albuquerque at this bar with a couple girls when one of them left for the bathroom. She was gone for about forty five seconds before returning to the pool table all flushed looking. She immediately told us that she just took a 'speed shit' because she didn't want us to know that she was taking a dump but decided to tell us about it anyway because she was able to pull it off so smoothly. This made me realize that there were some things about girls in high school that weren't so bad after all. I realize this story has nothing to do with this picture.

Is Your Shirt Tucked In? Mine is.

2007-04-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

My shirt is tucked crisply into my waistband, accentuating my shoulder/waist ratio to attract females. I will mate with them when they draw close because I am a masculine man. I am all male, wholly sexual. With hands on hips I will insemiate women across this great nation. I am a specimen of masculine perfection. Tuck those shirts in boys, and lets just see how you measure up. Come on... I waiting, with my hands on my hips. Waiting.

The Nicest El Camino In Existence

2007-04-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

Yes, that is an El Camino sporting Louis Vuitton flash. Yes, that is a proud black man standing tall. Yes, that is a trailer park in the background. The question that remains in my mind is, who the fuck is supposed to be impressed by this photo? Anyone posing like this guy is obviously thinking he's pretty fucking awesome. The way the car is parked with a nice watery backdrop leads me to believe he was trying to set this shot up for a while, and he may have even driven to this location with the sole purpose of taking this picture. How long has it been since El Camino's made the list of vehicles never to be driven by non-mexicans? Was it ever not on that list? Fuck that stupid car. This guy is going to be pissed when he gets out of jail and finds out his El got repo'd and some lawn care specialist has put glitter paint over the Vuitton. No big loss though, with his recording contract he can buy a fleet of 1984 El Camino's to replace it. Fuck Death Row, fuck Dre... etc. etc.

America's Top Model

2007-04-23T22:37:00.000-07:00

Some kids have negative body issues. Some kids should.

So Many Questions Go Unanswered

2007-02-02T16:36:00.000-08:00

Chuck Norris has been in more than his fare share of bad movies, but even he had to know that when he paired up with a shaggy dog he might be scraping the bottom of the barrel for film roles. Of course, bottom is a relative term. Chuck has his beard, an info-mercial where he doesn't even have to wear sleeves, as well as the ability to do spin kicks in wranglers, but when did he decide it would be okay for a martial arts legend to hold hands with a police dog for a promotional photo? What police department uses shaggy dogs anyway? What kind of criminal would be scared of that stupid dog? Doesn't everyone know that dogs like that get ear infections all the time and their heads start to rot so you have to put them to sleep? Why does the dog's badge have his fucking picture on it? Is that in case someone who thinks the dog might be impersonating an officer can be reassured? Why is Chuck's hair so fucking teased? Since this movie (Top Dog for anyone out there who might want to rent it) came out in 1995, didn't anyone on the set notice that he has a goddamn mullet and even then they weren't cool? How come he had enough chest hair in 1972 that Bruce Lee could rip it out by the fistful but in 2007 he is smooth as a baby's bottom? Did they think no one would notice that this movie is a horrific attempt at outdoing K-9, starring Jim Belushi, which is a much better movie except that scene where Belushi gets out of bed in his underwear? The worst thing about this movie is the fact that someone out there owns it on DVD and actually watches it. People like that are not sent to camps for re-education and I just don't think I can take it anymore. Why the fuck doesn't Canada open up a gulag that we could send these people to? Jesus, it's not like they're doing anything useful with all that land. Why not a nice string of work camps? I know about a thousand people I think should learn what the crack of the Commandant's whip sounds like.

He Who Dwells In Darkness...

2007-01-31T14:55:00.000-08:00

You thought you could trust him. You thought you were his friend. You were mistaken, for he is the one who moves behind the shadows and sleeps in the Devil's den. With a black heart and eyes filled with hate, he watched you slumber with the hammer of death poised to strike. He did not see you as his victim, to him you were nothing, just another sacrifice. As you enter the realm of destruction to understand his world and after your sanity has been shattered to dust, you will know what it is to be Todd Hoke of Bakersfield, California.

Gunt, It's What's For Dinner!

2007-01-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

You ever get a craving for some meat and a fat juicy steak just won't cut it? If that's the case, you need to dig into a big pile of gunt. For those of you who don't know what gunt is, you find it immediately below the belly button and directly above the axe-wound of morbidly obese female slam pigs (women.) It's that soft fleshy pouch of joy that bubbles out like a hot air balloon below the beltline. Though the collection of this succulent meat has been banned in most nations, some areas of the United States' deep south still harvest this delicacy and supply it to upscale restaurants around the globe. The trick to harvesting gunt is to find specimens who do not have abscesses of the skin or adult-onset diabetes, both of which are rampant problems with this particular breed of animal. Once the target has been acquired and detained with padded harnesses to avoid bruising the soft flesh, a harvesting team will be dispatched by helicopter to excise the meat. The slam pig is then released back into the wilds of their trailer park to smoke and drink malt liquor.

Ahhh shit I'm fucked now

2007-01-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

Goddamn it, why did I have to go out and rape some bitches when I'm a fucking newscaster!?! I knew that shit would catch up to me but I just couldn't bring myself to sell the windowless van! Why can't I be a newscaster and a serial rapist and have people leave me the fuck alone?!? I just want to read the news! I just want to rape some sluts! I want to live my life!!!!! Why???

I'll Take A Handjob Over Here!

2007-01-02T16:33:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest for a moment, I would love to get jacked off and by pretty much anyone at this point. I've been wearing pink, turning the cap around sideways, shaving my forearms, you know, doing fucking everything I can think of and yet nothing helps. No one besides my tennis coach will so much as brush the palm of their hand across my dick, balls and taint. I swear, the skin there is so sensitive at this point I can feel the heat of another human body from fifty yards away. That's through my jeans, I should add, plus two pairs of underwear. That's right, I wear two. A pair of classic white briefs with a loose pair of boxers as a cover. The boxer layer is just in case any girls see me changing they will see nothing but silky red boxers hanging down to my knees instead of getting a nice outline of my shlong, gooch and scrote. The classic white briefs add a level of comfort that I have never been able to let go of, plus they protect my cock, nuts and perenium from the sometimes overwhelmingly sexy feel of the silk. In addition, briefs enable me to give my constant stiffies the good old waistband-tuck so my engorged junk is not jutting out like a fucking monolith. I probably spend a little too much time thinking about getting someone to massage, kiss, french, tug and/or please my gorgeous fuck-stick, nifkin and sack, but the fact that none of the girls at school will choke themselves half to death on my rod while fingering my jewels and bonch is driving me nuts. I would gladly put out a cigarette on my anus just to get some lubed up attention to my aching marble bag, shaft and grundle. They are so fucking starved for attention it's a joke. So if you've got any tips on how to get girls to play with my fucking crotchell region, I'm all ears.

Honkin' On Bobo

2006-11-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Fuck Aerosmith.
Fuck Steven Tyler.
Fuck Joe Perry.
Fuck the other guys in the band whose names no one knows.
Fuck their stupid fucking music.
Fuck every dumb album they've made, especially Honkin' On Bobo.
Fuck whoever came up with Honkin' On Bobo.
Fuck anyone who actually likes Aerosmith's shitty music.
Fuck Ragdoll.
Fuck Amazing.
Fuck Crying.
Fuck scarves.
Fuck big lips on a lead singer.
Fuck the radio stations that still play Aerosmith all the fucking time.
Fuck Steven Tyler's stupid daughter.
Fuck her for speaking Elvish.
Fuck the movie Be Cool because Steven Tyler is in it, plus it's a dumb movie.
Fuck the fact that Steven Tyler is alive and Steve McQueen is dead.

Yeah, I Can Reproduce

2006-11-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

You might be sitting there, wondering to yourself whether or not I possess the ability to pass on these genes god blessed me with. Well, I'm here to tell you that I can. Right between these slender thighs is about three pounds of swinging meat, just aching for the chance to repopulate the globe in the event of a nuclear holocaust or some kind of wierd virus that wipes out all the healthy males but me. I can impregnant females until I die. Nature made me that way. Why? Because men, like myself, need to be able to spread their seed. It gives us the ability to select suitable females into a herd, or pack if you will, from which we can choose our nightly bedmates. I usually choose two at a time because this doubles my chances at having many, many, many, many children. Sons hopefully! Being a bold alpha male, I am forced to dominate those around me. As a result the females are drawn to both my masculine strength and my musk. It is sometimes necessary for me to drive off young males who would like to steal females from my pack. This is normal and usually occurs around spring break. The females go into a sex crazed frenzy when I return to the pack, dripping with the blood and sweat of my foe, my chest heaving with lust. I have a penis and it was made to impregnate females. Who am I to withstand the force of nature within my loins?

I just found my dream job

2006-10-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

Toss my what?
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

After ten years in a maximum security prison, I was worried that my experiences inside wouldn't give me proper training for the real world. After passing by my local deli, however, I see that I was sorely mistaken. You've gotta respect a deli owner who advertises their personal needs so publicly, and it amazes me that our society has progressed to the point where a request for a professional salad tosser can be made in a shop window on Main Street USA, instead of the back pages of Juggz Magazine.

I think I'll go for the part-time gig...40 hours of tossing salad each week seems a bit much.

Here Comes The BOOM!

2006-10-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

I said...
Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, here comes the boys from the South.
Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, How you like me now?

Gilbert Blythe Took A Shit In This Hat

2006-10-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

Being forced to wear a hat that makes you look like a handjob is all part of the job when you're an actor, it just goes with being a professional pretender or make-believe artist as some call themselves. But Jonathan Crombie hated the hat he had to wear in Anne of Green Gables so much that he smuggled it back to his trailer on the set and took a massive shit in it. The hat does not reappear in the film, but he does continue to wear a stupid expression on his face and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. For some reason these two seemingly unrelated things worked in harmony to score him the sweet virginity of Anne Shirley. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen until the second movie, Anne of Avonlea, when everyone meets up at the Gables for a giant, drug-crazed fuck-fest. I suggest skipping the first movie and diving straight into Anne of Avonlea as there are more milk white breasts and hairy triangles of death than you can shake a stick at.

God Speaks To 15 Year Old Gay/Dancer/Thespian/Dork

2006-10-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

It could have been the black velvet pants. Possibly the tight tank top. Maybe even the fingerless leather gloves that finally did it. Whatever it was, God finally chose to respond to cries of love and devotion to His almighty power. It was a Tuesday afternoon in October when the booming voice echoed across the cloudy, grey sky and changed the life of a fifteen year old boy forever. Dressed in a synchronized dance outfit fit for the stage, Joyce Plumfugger found himself on the receiving end of a message from the Heavens, but the words that rattled the very teeth in his head were nothing like what he had imagined.
High school was a time of wonder for Plumfugger, though there was a period of his life when he could not have been convinced that it could be. The trouble started around the time of his tenth birthday, when he began to realize that he was not like other boys. He had feelings of emotion that the others didn't seem to have and his voice came with a lisp that seemed beyond the powers of any therapist to correct. It was a dark time for Plumfugger and much of his time was spent weeping under his bed, dressed in one of his mother's old evening gowns. It wasn't until he stumbled into a dance studio that his life took a turn for the better, and the hours spent sobbing in darkness were soon spent training his lithe young body to become an instrument of grace and beauty.
Everything was looking up for Plumfugger by the time he reached his sophomore year at Nagalfar High School; he was captain of the jazz dance team, he wore tank tops every day and there were two boys on the soccer team who didn't call him a fag. He was on his way. The joy of a life going successfully rang out across the football field as the other boys suited up in pads smashed into each other and Plumfugger squealed with joy, praising God for making something as sublimely handsome as a male ass. It was then that a voice crackled across the sky, silencing everything, the football team, the coaches, the birds, even the cheerleaders who were practicing on the sidelines of the field. Everyone froze in place, electrified by the words vibrating through the air like a living thing.
It took a while for things to go back to normal, but in time, they did. Years later, most of those who had been there that day barely remember the incident, as if it blurred from their minds like newsprint in the rain. Maybe it never held any importance in the first place. They went about their lives, living as they had before the voice had come. All that is, except for Plumfugger. He decided to remember those words and remember them he did. In dance. Using the words to be his music, he danced his heart out, hoping that in some small way, his dance might show the beauty of God that he had known one October day. Unfortunately, no one really got it and thought he was just this wierdo dancing around like an idiot.

You Wanna Die?

2006-10-11T15:44:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there got a death wish? Huh? You looking at this fucking color guard? You better not be unless you want to get stabbed with one of this swords or take a nice rifle butt to the skull. You take a butt-strike to the chin and you are going to be knocked the fuck out, it doesn't matter if the gun is yellow and made of plastic, these individuals wield it like it's the real thing. See those swords? They aren't sharp and they have plastic knobs on the end but they can still carve your still-beating heart right out of your cowardly chest. You know, if it comes to that. Being in a color guard isn't just about twirling shit around, it's about maintaining some ground and fighting to the death to protect it. Even if it is just a twelve square-foot section of basketball court near the free throw line. The color guard has the duty and the priviledge to be a force of power and prestige within an academic institution, and they alone have the cajones to repel attacks from rebel forces. You might ask where the color guard was at Columbine, and that would be a fair question, but no... fuck you! That color guard was out on the track practicing one arm take-downs and shoulder rolls. They were blasting Metallica's One so fucking loud they couldn't hear the gunfire. If they had, that day would have ended very differently. The trench coat mafia would have themselves the victims of a fullisade of vicious butt-strikes and twirling streamers, all delivered with the precision and grace which are the trademarks of a high school color guard. I hope for your sake that you never make the mistake of referring to a color guard team a 'dance team.' They are para-military squads that move under the clever guise of unoffending synchronized dancers. What better way to infiltrate, assess and eliminate?

This Is Esmirelda, Her Breath Stinks.

2006-10-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

Esmirelda is the new employee who has been hired into the pricing department. She has two cats, a blue Nissan Tercel and chronic bad breath. She came to the company from the State Health and Welfare Department where she spent fifteen years adjudicating disability claims. Her coworkers at HWD were happy to see her go, mostly because of the promotion, but also because her unpleasant halitosis made working conditions difficult. They often left Lifesavers and other various breath mints on her desk, but she never seemed to get the hint. Esmirelda likes to chew on pens and she brought a collection of them from HWD, so folks, watch your ballpoints! She is a welcome addition to our company and we will all do our best to make her comfortable here. Hopefully, her godawful fucking breath will chill the fuck out so we all don't die.

Real. Comfortable. Beard.

2006-10-05T20:06:00.000-07:00

Lucky Charms
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

Samuel L. Jackson. Man... or Bison?

2006-09-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

What're you looking at bitch?

2006-09-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

Grover
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

I bet you're wondering if I have a mustache. Come on, look closer. Still can't tell? Get the fuck out of my face.

Where there's a will, there's a whale tail

2006-09-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ahoy!
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

That's right fuckers, Maximillion is back and he's got whale tails on his mind. I am completely uninterested in a thong unless it's poking out for some air from the top of a woman's jeans or tracksuit. Preferably if that woman is between the ages of 34 and 37. That's when a woman REALLY blossoms.

I went to Macy's yesterday and asked the clerk if whale tails were on sale and he said that if I was looking for what I thought he was looking for he was going to call security, and anyway I was in the men's suit section and he wouldn't know.

I guess I'm just like Captain Ahab, searching for a white whale tail so I can photograph it from a distance and add it to my collection. Captain Ahab with a high-powered camera and mirror sunglasses.

Neo Finds Own Beard Nauseating

2006-08-30T07:18:00.000-07:00

It appeared to be a typical August afternoon in sunny Los Angeles; the sky was almost blue, smog drifted in a dust haze across the horizon and the buzzing thump of trunk mounted speakers pounded out a cacophony of competing bass rhythms. Despite these signs of normalcy, the star of My Own Private Idaho was feeling anything but typical. Racing along Century Boulevard in the passenger seat of friend and co-star Alex Winter's Benz SLR, Keanu Reeves couldn't shake a feeling of unease. He was working his way through a pack of Tums, tossing the empty foil wrappers into the ash tray and peering nervously out the window at passing traffic, trying to puzzle things out. "I really feel like crap," the 42 year old actor admitted as he tossed yet another pastel colored disc into his mouth. He crunched wearily on the medicinal tablet and slumped tiredly down in the plush bucket seat, trying to get comfortable. He laced his fingers together over his stomach, which was rumbling discontentedly. "Try taking off your sports jacket," suggested Winter, the acclaimed director and Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure co-star. He looked at Reeves for a moment, then switched off the air conditioning and rolled down the window, suggesting "some fresh air?" Reeves nodded thankfully and sucked at the wind, which began to buffet his face in refreshing blasts as the car cruised through traffic at high speed. The healing powers of California air didn't help for long, however. "Uh-oh," Reeves barely managed before clamping a hand over his mouth. "What?" Winter asked and cautioned a look at his companion as he piloted the car serenely through a yellow light. The bulging eyes and puffed out cheeks of Reeves were enough for Winter to send the SLR to a screeching halt at the curb in a cloud of burning rubber and hot brake shoes. The passenger door was immediately flung open and Reeves leaned out against it, vomiting in a violent gush onto the curb. Winter's peered out his side window, embarrassed for his friend. After a moment, Reeves managed to sit up, wiping his mouth with the back of one hand. "Oh god," he mumbled, then pulled the door shut. "You okay?" Winter asked. He was genuinely concerned as Reeves did not vomit often during the day. "Yeah, lets go," Reeves directed with a wave of his hand. Despite his face being flushed and coated with perspiration, he said, surprisingly, "I feel a little better." The SLR pulled smoothly back into traffic and disappeared into the throng, just another expensive car in an ocean of similarly valuable vehicles. The two never again discussed the incident, preferring to let it pass out of their memories in favor of better times and places.

I'm The Guy Dating Your Daughter

2006-08-29T21:38:00.000-07:00

I know I look forty, which is not that big of a deal because that's how old I am. I drive a BMW. It's black with rims and a system. I met your daughter in the 7 Eleven parking lot last weekend when she was hanging out with some friends of hers. She was skipping school and I joked with her that she looked like a model and that I could take some pictures of her for my modeling agency if she was eighteen. She said she wasn't but I took the pictures anyway back at my trailer. She and her friends had a good time. We drank some wine coolers and listened to rap music until three when I drove her home. We made out in the driveway for a while, which was cool, but she wouldn't let me come up and see her room because moms was supposed to come home soon. That's no big deal, I'll see it tomorrow when I stop by with some roses. Moms is doing some volunteer work and will be out until six. I'm going to surprise her. I won't wear a shirt and that will usually take care of any second thoughts she might have. I have some tattoos you see. Girls like that, especially teenage girls. Maybe I'll wear a wife-beater and spill something on it so she can watch me take it off really slowly, like a male model. I've modeled a little and put the pics on the net hoping to get a contract. I've gotten some responses but they turned out to be scam stuff so I'm holding off on a few deals until I can get that sorted out. I need to go do some crunches. Laters.

Just Look What Nice Abs Can Get You!

2006-08-26T13:05:00.001-07:00

Some people date for love, some date as a result of mutual interests, but I prefer women who are into my looks and money. It isn't always easy letting a girl know that not only do I have a gorgeous face, but the body beneath the designer t-shirt is free of fat and chiseled beyong comprehension. Often times I have to flat you tell her, 'look, my name is Darren. I have a rad body, cut abs and my dad is really rich.' That pretty much breaks the ice immediately and sorts out any kind of girl who tries to pretend that she's looking for more than that, which is a bunch of crap because they all are. Some chicks are all like, 'well Darren, maybe you should go fuck yourself with a big role of your dad's money,' and I'm like, 'that's fucking lame you ugly lesbian.' It works out pretty well most times and I don't have to deal with too much shit because I'm so hot. I wear red swim trunks because they're kinda Baywatch, kinda lifeguardish, totally hot all the way through. I'm good looking. You probably aren't if you're reading this. HA HA!

The Bum Rush

2006-08-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not the only one who is sick of seeing these guys with these stupid signs standing around wanting money for nothing. Unfortunately for them, the signs tell me two things about them that does not help their cause; they are not very hungry if they are still making jokes and the mere fact that they own a huge Sharpie lends to the fact that they aren't hurting that badly for money. If they are so down on their luck, why go out and buy a $4 marker? Maybe there is one big Sharpie that they all use but I truly doubt it. Homeless seem to keep to themselves and don't really work together because if they did they could form a homeless union and send delegates to the state senate to appropriate money for fresh needles and cardboard boxes. These people hound everyone with clean pants walking down the street and seem to think that anyone who actually seems to have a purpose for being on the sidewalk in a metropolitan area has plenty of extra funds to support their drug habits. They do not want money for food because they line up around the block for free meals every day. If you are ever hungry yourself, just ask a bum where the nearest soup kitchen or meal cart is and they will tell you three different options within a five block radius. With that in mind, cast your thoughts back to the last skinny bum you have ever seen. Can't recall one can you? Even the crack heads are fat. Go figure that one out. They eat more meals than your average housewife and still get more exercise. The biggest worries a homeless person faces is finding the next bottle or fix and trying not to pass out where they can be lit on fire. Occasionally the news will run a story about a homeless person who freezes to death and everyone will be momentarily upset about their plight but that is in the absence of the true facts. Homeless people living out in the elements are those who choose not to spend their nights in a bed at a shelter because they cannot drink or do drugs in a shelter. They would rather spend the night out in freezing weather than go without a drink or a pipe and that is a fact. Homeless people have been known to trade their coats for drugs even when the temperature is in the single digits. That is how bad their addictions are and while it is sad that they are that deeply in the grips of a chemical craving I have yet to hear of person who was forced to become an addict at gunpoint. Every one of these people has a sad story to explain their situation but nothing is an excuse to becoming a parasite of society and an eyesore to all. There are always those who stand up for the rights of homeless, championing their cause to allow them to live on city streets across the country, but why is it that these people who argue so strongly for homeless are not seen sweeping up the trash they leave in parks and doorways they inhabit? They do not mind that every public park within a major metropolitan area is almost completely unused by the general public because the drunk and drugged-out homeless who descend on these areas and cover them in trash? People who work all morning in a cramped office are not about to take their lunch in the park next door because they will be treated to harassment by stinking druggies looking for a handout or a screaming match between two drunks fighting over a bottle of wine. A great place to enjoy a ham sandwich. All this being said, there are those who are so mentally deranged that they cannot care for themselves in even the most basic ways and should not be left to their own devices. These people, who are generally not seen with witty signs asking for money, should be institutionalized because they are danger to themselves. Unfortunately for them, they have some wonderful people who care so much about them that they have fought to free them from state care and give them the right to be out on the streets. So until they die or hurt someone else, they are free to live in filth and eat garbage. These are the people who deserve compassion and help, but rarely receive it. That is why when you see some idiot standing on a corner with a funny sign they should be the last person you open your wallet for, it is the guy with no shoes and blackened feet that needs the dollar.

I Call This Mustache The Peacekeeper

2006-08-02T17:59:00.000-07:00

Though my ridin' and ropin' days are done, I can still work the ranch as good as any other cowboy who ever lived. I grew a mustache as a young man and wore it proudly until it greyed and faded, just like the memories of my life have over the years. I ain't much of the man I was but the spark of life that fueled many a barroom battle has yet to extinguish. I hope that flame burns just a little longer so I can tell one last tale that needs to be told, if I can remember it all that is. The whole things started back when I was a handsome buck of about nineteen years of age, riding the circuit out in Montana and Wyoming, living the carefree life. Those were the days when a strong back and a pair of hard working hands were all you needed to make an honest living, not like the backstabbing faggotry that men are required to perform nowadays. I was riding an Appaloosa gelding at the time by the name of Fancypants, and boy oh boy did I love that horse. We spent more days than I could count wandering the clover valleys and lion's back ridges of those backwoods states and it was a sad day in my life when the horse up and collapsed one day and died. I whipped all hell out of Fancypants trying to scare away the demons come to take her to hell but she stayed dead and I stayed without a ride for some time. Anyways that was years after the story I'm telling happened, and that one starts with Fancypants and I pushing our way through a snowdrift up in Saddlestring Pass. It was too late in the year to be up that high but a fifth of sour mash had put enough fire in my shortleg to convince me that I might be able to make one last trip up to Sally McRatchet's alpine cabin for a roll in the hay. Old Sally was the type of woman who chose to live off the land as opposed to the fat sows in town who sucked off the teat of mankind, but being alone as she was, she was prone to getting what we used to call the 'carnal hunger.' It'd get so bad that her female parts would actually eat clean through her drawers. That might frighten some men but the more experienced one's will tell you that a crevasse with that level of eagerness is nothing to turn your nose at. Anyhow, Fancypants and I were in the snowdrift halfway through the pass when the temperature took a big drop, at least twenty degrees in an hour, and we found ourselves suddenly encased in a block of ice. It was mid-March before we thawed enough to bust loose of our nature-made encasement and by that point heading back to town sounded a little more appetizing than a romp with some old mountain woman. It was a good thing I felt that way too because when Fancypants and I finally hobbled our way into the saloon in Jackson Hole we learned that old Sally had skewered herself on some type of spindle apparatus and was dead as a doornail. I was mighty glad I didn't waste any time going all the way to her cabin because the bears had eaten most of her face, chest, breasts, neck and head before she was found on her homemade lovemaking contraption. 'Impaled' was the word those that found her had used but I found it a tad indelicate in reference to a lady. These days I think back about what might have been if I hadn't been frozen for all those months, Sally would be alive and I'd probably still have some feeling in my fingers and maybe I'd even have a son to take care of me in my old age. But it happened that way because that is how fate decided it should be and I ain't one to thumb my nose at fate.

This One Is Better...

2006-08-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

For those of you who liked the last clip of the 285 slab of man, I think this one is even better:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMBHmCuKvK8

This is a taste of what his yahoo group has to offer (I didn't fuck with the spelling either) :

This group is for Narcissistic bodybuilders (love of or sexual desire for one's own body) Muscle men who worship themselves in a mirror daily and want to express your total Narcissism of your own body. Bodybuilders who find that they are sexually turned on to themselves and are only satififed by admiring their own incredable built masculine muscles or mutually with other Narcissistic bodybuiders. This is for men who get into and off on themselves an like to share their bodys with others who want to admire their body as much as they do themselves. Feel free to talk about your Narcissistic feelings about youself and what its like to be a bodybuilder who is in love with his own body. I am what turns me on, my thick massive size. my strength, I can be all my muscle fantasys. My stats are current an acturate.

Here's some good comments too, my favorite is the second because the comments are on the guy's yahoo group page:

Hey, man, The body is great. The attitude is masculine. The total package is manly and virile. You're morphing YOURSELF in real-life, bro, you hardly need
That's really hot man. I feel the same way about myself. nothing like getting pumped up & kooling in the mirror. Do you have a yahoo group?

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Words...

2006-08-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

1. Shunt
2. Hoggle
3. Crotch
4. Blubber
5. Blumpkin
6. Moist
7. Intercourse
8. Flange
9. Flutie
10. Plump
11. Chunder
12. Swole

In Case You’re Wondering, These Legs Go All The Way Up

2006-08-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve been told that these stems are worth their weight in gold and I tend to agree. Even though they have been carrying me around since the day I first dropped even I recognize just how bitchin’ they really are. My legs are not unlike my ass; perfect and full of wonder. Men have been worshiping this particular piece since I can remember and my memory goes back a long way. I got my first mini skirt about the time Kennedy got popped and I have been wrapping my ass in eight inches of fabric ever since. The boots only accentuate my legs and being called ‘fuck-me boots’ doesn’t hurt either. I do have to point out one drawback to wearing knee high fuck-me’s: they cover up my absolutely delicious calves, which is a loss. That much divine flesh, even covered by sexy boots, is a tragedy of almost epic proportions. There is currently a bill being passed through congress which, if passed, will force 7-Eleven to allow me to enter their store without shoes or shirt because I am so fucking hot. Two congressmen bought my used underwear from my online store. I also have half-smoked cigs and dirty socks available for those interested. On a more serious note I have to announce that I will no longer be performing the bathroom segment of my live webcasts despite their wild popularity. If you’d like to know why, you should call up Jim Krupa of the Office of Health and Human Services and ask him. Instead I have worked out a new bit where I strip down to the boots and dump a bottle of extra-virgin olive oil over my body. I then drop into the full splits, letting the boot heels scrape across the hardwood until my groin area smacks the ground. This makes a sound like a toilet plunger being sloshed into a loaded toilet bowl, which should make some of you happy. If the sound doesn’t get you, the visuals definitely will, because nothing makes a man stand at attention like a hot bitch covered in oil with her thighs wrenched so far apart the tendons in her hips groan like green tree boughs about to snap. It’s these extra’s that makes me so popular, I’m convinced of it. I just don’t think the young women of today know the value of a little self-degradation for the satisfaction of a man. They will learn though, when the men all come to women like me and those perky little asses are left high and dry. There’s a reason I wear this skirt, you know. My scent attracts young bucks like clover to a honey bee.

I'm A Fucking Beefeater!

2006-07-26T17:18:00.000-07:00

She was the lady of the faire...
The thong she wore was in disrepair...
So mend it I did with threads of my codpiece...
And trimmed it out with strips of fleece...
The mating we had was so very good...
In the deep piney wood she road my wood...
Betrothed to another she gave only anal...
Though I don't see how I lost out in the deal...
Rays of starlight twinkled in her eyes...
As she gazed from betwixt my thighs...
Enchanted was I at that beautiful sight...
Her skin I saw was so milky white...
A Beefeater I am called because that's what I am...
She showed me her tits on a webcam...

This Is Buzz And He Doesn't Wipe

2006-07-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Working as a fishing guide brings me into contact with all types of personalities on a daily basis. From the uptight executive to the beer guzzling middle-age software techs, I see them all. I enjoy my ability to interact with people from all walks of life as if they are equals, even if they are complete lowlife scumbags, which they often are. Being good looking, I have a unique obligation as an ambassador of attractiveness, trying to show them that I am both a good looking man as well as an effective fishing guide. So I wear several hats, so to speak. I just want you to know a little bit about me. What it is to inhabit my particularly tan skin.

One of the difficulties that arises when I do my job is that my friendly and outgoing personality is often misconstrued as a sign of true friendship by the clients of my charter service. I equate this to the problems faced by Hooters Girls and strippers where the patrons of their establishments cannot grasp the concept that they are actually paying for these people to pretend to like them. When I first started working as a guide it seemed to be common sense that after the boat hit the dock and the gear was unloaded, I was no longer obligated to be friendly towards the people I'd taken out that day. Boy was I wrong about that. It didn't take long before I learned just how uncomfortable things could get when I ran into these guys over at the Cook Shack Bar and Grill after work.

The Shack is my favorite hang out and being situated near the docks the guys who I guide usually wind up there sooner or later. More often than not these idiots have been drinking most of the day and the beer has made them friendlier than usual. Because of this they often come over and try to hang out with me, expecting me to be as friendly and genuine as I was on the boat when I was vying for a bigger tip. Now that I am off the clock and trying to hook up with the babes that frequent the Shack, these old dudes really jam things up for me. I usually try to play things off or just make fun of them in front of the girls until they get the hint and go away, saying things like 'this is Boner and he shit his pants on my boat today.' That line usually works because the girls laugh at them until the dude gets embarrassed and leaves, but sometimes if they are really drunk I am forced to get really intense about things. Spilling a drink on the crotch of their pants usually works in this situation, but if that fails I go to Defcon Two, which is 'accidentally' elbowing the bottom of their beer bottle while they're drinking from it. I have yet to reach Defcon One. No matter what I have to do to get a little breathing room at the Shack it is still not cool for dudes to impose on my game, therefore they get what they deserve. It has not escaped my attention that I have virtually no repeat clients, which is the bread and butter of the guiding business, but I truly do not care. I get numbers when I am at the Shack, and as we all know, numbers equal handjobs.

What The Fuck Am I?

2006-07-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe you can help me because I am at a total loss as to my sexual identity. I have the soft, rosy lips of a German maiden, but the closely cropped hair of a strapping young man. My plain white t-shirt suggests I am a black man but the baby soft skin of my face seems to be that of an eighteen year old Swedish bar maid. I keep trying to look between my legs to find out for sure but of course I can't because I am just a stupid photograph. I have no sexual identity it seems, but that might not be so bad. I can move between both hemispheres of gender with ease, using any and all restrooms I want. I can freely enter the changing rooms of any public swimming pool and enjoy the view while going unnoticed and unchallenged. Just think for a moment how good of a bank robber I could be. Without so much as a mask I could so befuddle those I am robbing that any positive identification would be impossible. How can the police hunt for a suspect when they are not even positive of the gender? I am really starting to enjoy the idea of being a complete sexual non-entity. Of course, dating is going to be something of a trick, but seeing as how even I don't know what I am it is going to be quite the exciting evening for some lucky bisexual. I wouldn't even be able to give a hint as to what I am until my jeans are torn from my shapeless body.

Butt Rape Under The Big Top

2006-07-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

A good majority of people who have been raped by clowns are not amused by them anymore. I can attest to the revulsion felt by those who have been brutally attacked by these seemingly harmless and childlike people because I too suffered an encounter which I have mostly blocked from my memory. Only flashes of what occurred continue to tumble around in my head, but those haunting images have seared my very soul. I can still hear the laughter, the disgusting panting and the incessant honking of the big bulb nose as the clown satisfied himself. Luckily, I don't recall the money shot. Now when I see clowns I feel the frustrated sickness envelope me in a cloud that is as inescapable as death and as revolting as man-on-man, lube-free sex in a Eurovan in the blinding mid-summer heat of an East Texas July afternoon. Of course, I may have been partially to blame for what happened to me, but I still do not think wearing cut off jean shorts and a tummy shirt is any excuse for what followed. Though I now believe that had I picked anything else off my closet floor that day I might have avoided an unpleasant date with destiny. I have heard rumors that clowns are on the move, leaving the saftey they find in larger urban centers and descending upon quiet, helpless towns. This must be stopped. If you decide to kill one, before they die I want you to tell them Buff Tan Honky sends his regards.

I, Pakistani Man

2006-07-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

In Pakistan we do not have such women with the bright white skin like America. I like to see them in the light of candles and smoky incense when the thong is up above the pants. These women are so pale that they look like great big toadstools with flowing yellow hair. I talk to them and I become so nervous my moustache becomes heavy with sweat and when I talk put one hand on my hip because that is the way of a Pakistani man. One time a woman of white skin placed her hand on my shoulder when I am having food at a Mexican restaurant. She asks me for a refill of margarita drink in punchbowl and I laugh so hard because I cannot because I am not a worker of restaurant. She becomes embarrassed at my handsome face and is unable to look to me anymore. Her friends laugh as I ask her to dinner again and again but they are shy like schoolgirls and run away. I grew angry and want to show her how a Pakistani man cannot be laughed upon but they are fast and lithe like thick, pale gazelles. Tomorrow I am to spend time at community college to meet the girls. I sometimes stand by classroom and smoke to appeal the women. They know I am a handsome Pakistani man. At party we go uninvited and stand with whites and talk to only ourselves so why do we go? Ha ha ha. In Pakistan we court women by hiding behind sofa and watching her with big eyes of the Pakistani man. I see large pale white woman I think of large dowry and the penis of this Pakistani man becomes hard like the ivory we use to make small ornametal chess pieces as children. I do not own a rickshaw but have taxi which is same.

I Think Three Six Mafia Said It Best...

2006-07-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Slob on my knob... like corn on the cob.
Check in with me... and do your job.
Lay on the bed... and give me head.
Don't have to ask... don't have to beg.
Juicy is my name... sex is my game.
Let's call the boys... let's run a train.
Squeeze on my nuts.
Lick on my butt.
The natural curly hair... please don't touch.

Beards, Jesus and Full Extension Pushups

2006-07-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

There are a few things that need to be said about beards before any real attention should be paid to the man in the photo. First, it is important to realize that beards are effective disguises for those whose identities need protection. A dense copse of hair shielding the lower half of one's face is the best way to avoid being notice by authorities if under active pursuit, though once your identity is discovered it will be necessary to remove the beard because it does make one stand out in a crowd, especially if the beard is exceptionally long or lusterous. Secondly, a beard can be an attractive addition to a man's face if well groomed and if the growth is sufficiently thick to provide a full masculine coverage of hair. Thin, wispy beards that grow in mosaic patches are never found appealing by anyone except by cripples who have had their eyes poked out (they are out there, take a look for yourself.) The last thing that needs to be mentioned about beards is that if you are a homely person to begin with, a beard will only mask half of your ugliness, which, as we all know, is never enough. In reference to the man in the photo, it is not incredibly difficult to surmise the reasons behind the incredibly long, bi-colored mat of hair growing beneath his eyes; he is Jesus and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. If you are a religious person you know deep within yourself that you are peering into the haunted eyes of a man who has been reborn, yet again, into a world of ugliness and torment. He is said to have already died once for our sins, and being drug back down to Earth to see just how massively his efforts were misinterpreted has got to go a long way towards wrecking the guy's day. It is interesting that those who are devoted Christians envision Jesus as a beautiful man with radiant skin and hair, a set of square edged, pearly white teeth and a persistent glow of golden light around his head. I think common sense can dispell a majority of this as the over excited fantasies of his followers because it would have been difficult to find a single person walking around at that time with any one of these attributes let alone all of them rolled into one lucky person. Of course, the argument could be made that he was the son of God and therefore endowed with physical attributes that other men of that time did not possess. Taking that viewpoint as reality is it excessive to postulate that Jesus was incredibly fast as well? Was he capable of breaking the four minute mile mark almost twenty centuries before it would be done by a mere mortal man? Could he do the splits all the way to the ground without cheating? What about pullups? Even a handful of decent pullups is a challenge for an average man, but could he do twenty? Thirty? Forty? Of course, there is no way we could ever know, that is, unless we put the man in the photo to the test. If he really is Christ reborn then he should be able to do at least... two hundred pushups in five minutes. It seems a little uncouth to stand over the savior with a stopwatch and count out full extention, chest-to-the-ground pushups, docking him for each miss, but we have to be sure don't we? Isn't the future of mankind at stake? It would be pretty embarrassing to find out the living god we put at the helm is just Denny Maxwell of Gunnison, Colorado, a junior college drop out who liked to smell the purple magic marker in art class. Someone would be in deep shit if that went down. It is difficult to say how the subject of this article made its way to the present topic... but hey! Look at that guy's beard!

Suck The Fuckin' Wool!

2006-06-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life that so readily create sexual desire like a nice bushy female underarm bristling with hair. The position of the hair under the arm, the armpit itself being quite crotch-like to begin with, makes this a secondary erogneous zone that even surpasses the breasts in their erotic appeal. Though some may scoff at this idea at first, few who have been nose deep in a mound of sweat-laden armpit hair have ever been so fully aroused in their lives. To understand this phenomena, one must simply try for themselves the delicate aroma found within. Of course, women with woolen armpits do not simply grow on trees, they must be cultivated from local health food stores and environmentalist meetings. Though elusive, these creatures can be quickly found based on the general flaxen look to their hair (a by-product of vegitarianism) and the general proximity of burning incense sticks. Now that the reader has a very basic knowledge as to the location of these highly desireable partners all that is required is to make a selection. Happy hunting!

Great Names That You Won't Find In A Baby Book...

2006-06-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

I thought of a few cool names that I'd rather have than the one found on my birth certificate. Feel free to use these to label your newborn as you see fit, of course using the provided surname is a requirement.

1. Bronson Jackworth
2. Chuckton Bruntley
3. Swole Fister
4. Boon Fuxley
5. Fingers Brohamptordly
6. Boost Manley
7. Milter Fruckton
8. Ronk Blessedly
9. Bruise Sweetly
10. Chunt Lister

The Wandering Minstrel: Rapper of the Middle Ages

2006-06-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

They had no chains, no contracts either, but their passions were the same; spreading the joy of song and telling tales that would have otherwise been forgotten. The wandering minstrel of the middle ages lived a simple life, moving from town to town and earning their meals and coins from those whose lives they brightened with song. Much like the modern day gangster rapper, they often added racy ballads of sexual exploits to spicen up their catalogue of songs. Tales of battles fought and won, love gained and lost, and the politics of the day predominated the subject matter of their music, but it was not entirely uncommon to make jokes or include silly limericks as well. Rapping today is very similar in that it involves simple rhymes sung over a rhythmic background of drums or rattles. Minstrels also used drums and rattles, though their instruments of choice tended towards the mandolin or flute. Rappers today do not play instruments and instead focus on making clever rhymes between words that actually do not rhyme. By mispronouncing words the modern day rapper is able to create a massive arsenal of lyrics that would not normally come into play. Minstrels were either not so intelligent or were held within the boundaries of law when it came to the use of their lyrics and therefore were curbed in their creativity. Few of the popular songs of the minstrels survived to today, though a handful, such as 'Juliette Had Buboes,' 'Two Holes For Father Lockett' and 'The Doctor Bled Me Last Fortnight,' are still sung at Renaissance festivals around the globe. Hopefully, with the advent of the compact disc and the 'record deal,' the profound and moving music of rappers will be available for the enjoyment of generations to come.

The World's Most Interesting Photo

2006-06-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

Few photos ever taken have captured such a tiered extravaganza of wonderous things to see as this. It is almost difficult to absorb everything that is happening here but I have to admit that while the woman's striated chest muscles are pretty amazing, the real jewel in this pic is the superhero in the pink headband. I'd like to think he's looking in a hand mirror at his hairdo, but I feel it is more realistic to assume he's looking through his fanny pack for another gold chain. Obviously taken at some kind of bodybuilding-health expo, this photograph is a great example of the types of people that can be seen at such events. I have actually been to one and the people watching, while not as amazing as what is shown in this picture, was worth the $10 admission fee. I saw juiced up bodybuilders in jean shorts that were little more than daisy dukes, mannish-female powerlifters getting pumped up to bench press, mullets beyond counting, spandex-aplenty and a hypnotized man strip to Elvis Presley. That was a magical day and I look forward to many more where I may be presented with a photographic opportunity such as the one posted here. Another interesting aspect of this photo is the man in the middle whose expression can only be described as 'troubled.' What I find interesting about him is that he is not actually looking at that freak in front but past her towards something that can only be worse than her, if that is even possible.

Not Atreyu The Child... Atreyu The Warrior!

2006-06-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

If Atreyu is a good representative sample of what the plains people had to offer think about how hot the chicks been. He is so feminine and soft looking the women of that tribe would be unbelieveable. Only the bravest of men will admit that they became aroused by Atreyu's tawny mane of hair and those eyes you could lose yourself in, and not saying I'm one of those men, I just imagine that there are many men out there like that. Many. That being said it is important to notice the soft pink lips and the improbably perfect teeth. How could things such as this exist in a world devoid of dentistry? Because the tribe is so good looking, thats why! People forget that world's do exist in this universe where both a buffalo can be purple and a teen boy can walk around in a shirt collar cut low enough to piss through without the threat of violent rape hanging above their heads like a thundercloud. Things like this happen, maybe not to us, but they could! A normal man meeting a band of plains people would be struck by the Indian complexions covering Anglo-Saxon cheekbones and become driven to enter every person in the tribe, regardless of age or gender. The flury of partners would become a blur with the clapping of their sweating stomachs keeping tempo. Personally, I'm glad I haven't met any plains people, because I don't think I have in me whatever it takes to screw an entire group of people.

Welcome To The Jungle

2006-06-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

There are few men who can handle the rigorous elimination process that precedes all inductions into the coveted Batboy Club of East St. Louis, but those who do join a brotherhood. The bonds that are formed during the hours of humiliation and degradation scar the psyche, but they also bring these young men closer, both mentally and physically, than they ever thought possible without the aid of lubrication. They are pushed to that edge, then shoved beyond in a grueling test of wills that matches cock against ass, dick against balls and teeth against urinal cake. These men come to the Batboy Club full of pride and strength, and while all eventually leave the hallowed Clubhouse, only 10% withstand the process to become full fledge members. The rest, those who are found wanting, are sent back to where they came from with an ice pack and a heart shaped card signed by each and every member, thanking them for their time. Tears are shed in parting, which is not at all unusual when men who have pitted themselves against one another in battles of the mind and of the flesh are forced to go their separate ways. Those who remain, however, cry tears of a different sort, those of pride and gratitude and anticipation of things to cum.

Watch Out For Those Fucking Rocks!

2006-06-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

It's obvious that the state of things is completely out of whack when a bunch of rocks needs to be fenced off so some stupid fuck doesn't walk into them and sue someone. How fucking dangerous are those rocks anyway? They aren't even piled on top of each other. The only way you could possibly get hurt in this situation is if you were to sprint into them with your arms tied behind your back or fall out a helicopter onto them. But of course the fence really won't help in either of those situations so what is the point. Then again, the fence itself is pretty dangerous because a mentally retarded blind man with no arms could be out jogging and not know that someone put a fence up around the rocks he usually does the splits between and he could crash into it at a full sprint. The resulting injuries would yield a minimum of $1.6 million in damages and with good reason. No one should ever be held accountable for their own actions because everyone is too fucking stupid to do anything correctly. Therefore this fence should be equipped with bumper pads, strobe lights, warning sirens, a safety net and a pleasant, non-invasive paint job. I'm going to go cordon off the paving stones out by my car and strap foam pads to all the trees in the neighborhood. Wish me luck.

The Five Sided Fistagon Is Actually An Engineering Marvel

2006-05-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon is virtually a city in itself. The original site was nothing more than wasteland, swamps and dumps. 5.5 million cubic yards of earth, and 41,492 concrete piles contributed to the foundation of the building. Additionally, 680,000 tons of sand and gravel, dredged from the nearby Potomac River, were processed into 435,000 cubic yards of concrete and molded into the Pentagon form. The building was constructed in the remarkably short time of 16 months and completed on January 15, 1943 at an approximate cost of $83 million. It consolidated 17 buildings of the War Department and returned its investment within seven years. Stripped of its occupants, furniture and various decorations, the building alone is an extraordinary structure. Built during the early years of World War II, it is still thought of as one of the most efficient office buildings in the world. Despite 17.5 miles of corridors it takes only seven minutes to walk between any two points in the building.

I don't usually brag about my intellect, but...

2006-05-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

Howdy Y'all
Originally uploaded by Jorge Ragtime.

I'm ridiculously smart. Ask me for the smallest ten-digit prime number and in like 20 seconds tops, and I'll rattle that shit off like I'm reciting the alphabet. Ask me to predict the trajectory of a meteor flying across the night sky and I'll have a diagram drawn up for you in no time. Ask me to name the five largest African countries by population density, yep I know that too. Ask me whether it's cool to wear Oakley sunglasses that have no tint, and top the outfit off with a cowboy hat, polka-dot scarf, shiny badge and blood-red shirt - and I'll say fuck yeah it's cool! I'm a fucking GENIUS.

This Milk Tastes Like Shit

2006-05-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

After I work out I always enjoys a big tall glass of foamy whole milk to rejuvinate my muscles. The only problem is that after I get all hot and sweaty exercising, the cold milk hurts my teeth so much that it really takes a lot of the pleasure out of consuming it. I thought I had found a way around that by letting the milk sit out while I'm at the gym so it's more lukewarm instead of icy cold, but the milk tasted pretty sour after a few days of that. I put on my thinking cap and sure enough I came up with the perfect plan; I would put the cold milk through the coffee maker (without grinds of course, lol) and in that manner I would have a nice steaming cup of milk to enjoy each day! I came home the day after I dreamed up this ingenious plan and fired up Mr. Coffee, already pre-loaded with three cups of Darigold Whole Milk, my personal favorite. About ten minutes later I found a nice white brew bubbling in the pot, ready to drink. I poured myself a generous helping and took that first sip. What happened next can only be described as an extreme event in my life. I regurgitated the hot milk all over the naked, waiting breasts of my roommate's girlfriend, Heather. Her massive love globes were immediately scorched a bright red like a naughty, spanked little bottom. I apologized and she accepted, but things have been awkward between us ever since. Now I just drink the cold milk really, really slow. The way I like sex.

John Travolta Is A Fat Fuck Loser

2006-05-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

John Travolta has struggled with his weight and the length of his trousers since his first big hit with Saturday Night Fever. Unfortunately for Danny Zuko, all that plumping up has only helped him garner one pointless the role as a fat, chain-smoking angel in Micheal. With a scruffy three day beard and a beer gut he charmed his way into the pants of quite a few women in that movie, but mostly he just looked fat and stupid. Now that he has completely destroyed his career with horrific films like Swordfish, Faceoff, Battlefield Earth, and Be Cool, he has turned his attention towards a second career as an airline pilot and scientology minister. Flying around in a really huge bomber jacket and tight jeans Travolta has effectively trotted the globe without breaking a sweat, spreading the gospel of Hubbard. As always he was overdressed for the occasion when he wowed a group of Zulu natives with his own interpretation of their fertility dance. With tight bluejeans barely brushing the tops of his stylishly untied White Hunter boots, Travolta was hard pressed to lift his knees to a right angle, let alone pull out any real dance moves. Nevertheless, the crowd loved it and even pretended to listen to his strange stories about aliens, body thetans and membership fees. In the end, he boarded his huge jet and flew away after swearing to the Zulus that he would grow his hair out like it was in Swordfish for his next visit. "I'm a shitty actor!" He screamed from a small cockpit window as the plane began to taxi down the runway. "How did you fucks like my overacting in Face Off? Fuck you!"

Punch My Flapjack Tits

2006-05-09T15:35:00.000-07:00

Do it Paco, punch my flapjack tits until I shoot the milk. You know how I like that rough, punchy-fuck sex. I'll lay them over the edge of the tub so they get sooooo long and flat that you can almost see through them. I know you like that and it gets you sooooo hard. You buy me a long bra to cover them long boobs and I love you so much for that I cook special dinner all week. You love the long boobs and I love the punching of the long, flat boobs. Respect my flapjack tits. They sooooo sore from punching but I want more punching on the flapjacks. Punch the fucking flapjacks if you want special dinner.